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I recently started dating a girl with bipolar disorder here at my college. I like her a lot and we have a lot of fun together, but over the past couple days she has become very distant, not returning calls or messages. She told me up front that she has a couple mental illnesses, one of which is bipolar disorder. I hung out with her last night for the first time in 2-3 days after she finally called me back. When i went to see her there was little to no affection coming from her for whatever reason. I expressed my concern saying that i was worried because i thought she was mad at me, but she told me she's been really weird the past couple of days such as having crying spells over little things. I asked her if she wanted to do something tomorrow, which is now today, and she said yes. So i call her an hour ago, get no answer, and leave a message asking if she wants to go to lunch. Still no reply. I'm getting very worried that she is avoiding me for some reason. Does anyone have any advice? Thanks.
I am sorry you picked this particular person to attach yourself too. With bipolar and 'a couple other mental disorders' you are in for a very bumpy ride. She is apparently not stable on her medications and you are going to be hurt and confused over and over. She has been up front with you however, you have no idea what she meant. Well this is it. If it were me I would move on because I know I would want someone that could participate in my life and not hide out because her mental health is either not under control or she hears or sees things that just aren't there and she needs to isolate herself to maintain.
yes the advice I will give you is get out now before you get too deep unless you like drama......
this is just a sample of what your "relationship" will be like if you continue it.
:angel:
A relationship with someone who has a mental illness will come with complications, but if she takes the proper medication she should be able to get her disorder under control.

I can understand why some people would want to bail and not put up with the drama... but thats unfair in a lot of ways to the person with the illness that they didn't choose to have. Give the girl a chance, talk to her about your concerns, educate yourself on her illness(es) so that nothing comes as a shock, and so that you know what you're getting involved in. Her behavior is mostly-likely due to her illness.
[QUOTE=jen52983;3339316]
I can understand why some people would want to bail and not put up with the drama... but thats unfair in a lot of ways to the person with the illness that they didn't choose to have. Give the girl a chance, talk to her about your concerns, educate yourself on her illness(es) so that nothing comes as a shock, and so that you know what you're getting involved in. Her behavior is mostly-likely due to her illness.[/QUOTE]

please don't try to guilt trip the original poster into believing he's "not fair".
what about it not being fair to him that she is avoiding him and not responding to his messages.....???
Sometimes life is unfair, it's not his responsibility to make sure things are fair to her when she's not being fair to him and encouraging him to do so is just encouraging him to co-dependent. Her needs are not more important than his own. I stand by my original advice, get out now or expect more of the same.
[QUOTE=rosequartz;3339330]please don't try to guilt trip the original poster into believing he's "not fair".
what about it not being fair to him that she is avoiding him and not responding to his messages.....???
Sometimes life is unfair, it's not his responsibility to make sure things are fair to her when she's not being fair to him and encouraging him to do so is just encouraging him to co-dependent. Her needs are not more important than his own. I stand by my original advice, get out now or expect more of the same.[/QUOTE]

I really have to agree with rose here. My brother is a diagnosed and medicated bipolar. I believe my sister is bipolar, however, she will not get herself evaluated as she sees it as a sign of weakness.

My sister is married with 3 children and my BIL struggles a lot with her, as we all do. It really is a lot of drama. I believe her bipolar to be the route of her alcoholism and the trouble in our relationship.

This is a lot to take on and you are both so very young. Obviously to stay or bail is your choice, but just be sure you REALLY think things through. Try to educate yourself on the illness as well. If you think you can handle it then I wish you all the best. But unless she is taking her meds and really taking care of herself what you see is going to be what you get.
Thanks for all the replies. I should note that she told me a few days ago that she ran out of some of her medicine and couldn't refill it right away. I'm not sure which set of pills it was though, so she may or may not be on her bipolar meds. In any case, I'm going to give her some time to get herself together. I really like her and am not willing to let a couple days of limited contact prevent what could be years or possibly a lifetime of happiness. I just miss her so much, it hurts to think she is ignoring me.
[QUOTE=ltmike;3339421]Thanks for all the replies. I should note that she told me a few days ago that she ran out of some of her medicine and couldn't refill it right away. I'm not sure which set of pills it was though, so she may still be on her bipolar meds. In any case, I'm going to give her some time to get herself together. I really like her and am not willing to let a couple days of limited contact prevent what could be years or possibly a lifetime of happiness. I just miss her so much, it hurts to think she is ignoring me.[/QUOTE]

that's the thing with bi-polar people.....they don't always take their medicine for a number of reasons. I knew a girl who decided she's rather buy some fish and an aquarium than get her pills that month.......then became depressed and suicidal because she didn't have her pills.
I seriously doubt if you will have years or especially a lifetime of happiness with this girl......if you think you're hurt now, just wait.....you ain't seen nothing yet. I was married to a bi-polar man for 10 years, so I know what I'm talking about. It sounds like you're going to do what you want regardless of the advice.........don't say you weren't warned.
:angel:
[QUOTE]I seriously doubt if you will have years or especially a lifetime of happiness with this girl......if you think you're hurt now, just wait.....you ain't seen nothing yet. I was married to a bi-polar man for 10 years, so I know what I'm talking about. It sounds like you're going to do what you want regardless of the advice.........don't say you weren't warned.[/QUOTE]


She had a 3 year relationship in highschool so I do think she is capable of having long term relationships. And yes, I am going to do what I want, but I will certainly take in the advice you guys give me. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt now because of the medicine situation and the fact that we had 2 solid weeks of normalcy before this.
[QUOTE=ltmike;3339448]She had a 3 year relationship in highschool so I do think she is capable of having long term relationships. And yes, I am going to do what I want, but I will certainly take in the advice you guys give me. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt now because of the medicine situation and the fact that we had 2 solid weeks of normalcy before this.[/QUOTE]

yes but do you know what kind of guy she was with? maybe he would tolerate any kind of situation or abuse just to have a girlfriend. do you know why they broke up? 2 solid weeks of normalcy is a world away from a lifetime of happiness. I'm not trying to discourage you, I just want you to know what you're in for, and that you don't have to put up with it when it gets bad. You don't have to blame yourself, because it's probably not you.
Hey bro,

I agree with Ann and Rose here. It may sound cold, harsh and selfish, but trust me, you DON'T want to deal with this. I was married for over 10 years to someone that has bi-polar disorder and "other" mental issues. Unfortunately for both of us, she wasn't diagnosed until many years after we separated. I tried and tried to work through MANY issues....too many to discuss here. Let's just say her family thinks I'm a saint for staying as long as I did. She is now much better and is controlling it with the help of her current meds, but as Rose said, they don't always take the meds. My ex would say "I've been fine for over a year now.....I don't need these anymore....". Not realizing the obvious....she was fine for over a year BECAUSE of her meds! Even today, I say she's fine now, but she still has her ups and downs.....and trust me, the down's are nothing you can ever imagine. I had to get a restraining order for her on two occasions....I have full custody of my son because of some of the things she did. She's not a bad person at all either, just has an awful mental illness that yes is treatable, but will NEVER go away. The three year relationship she had....you don't know if it was happy or crazy. Man I could go on forever....

I can't stress enough, as mean as it sounds, move on!

Skarn
[QUOTE=ltmike;3339448]She had a 3 year relationship in highschool so I do think she is capable of having long term relationships. And yes, I am going to do what I want, but I will certainly take in the advice you guys give me. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt now because of the medicine situation and the fact that we had 2 solid weeks of normalcy before this.[/QUOTE]

I love my sister, but do you really want me to get into the string of guys she has been with? She had her share of long term relationships. She has also cheated on every single one of them (yes, including her current husband) when she was in one of her "low times". There is always something or someone else to blame. Believe me, in her world NOTHING is ever her fault.

She did see a therapist and was in midst of working on a diagnosis and took meds for a few weeks. She was a whole new person in that time. But she figured she could do it on her own and that was the end of that.

You will be at the mercy of her whims of whether or not to medicate. That is no way to live. It will take it's toll on you. I know you wil still go through with your relationship because you are young and love. But believe me (and the others) when we tell you this will not be the last episode like this.
Lots of good points, I appreciate all the advice, but man this sucks
[QUOTE=happymom28;3339579]...when she was in one of her "low times". There is always something or someone else to blame. Believe me, in her world NOTHING is ever her fault.
QUOTE]

VERY good point! They never see the fault in their own behavior and it's SO frustrating because I would think "she know's she's been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder, everyone is telling her she is not right in this matter, but she STILL insists she's doing nothing wrong...." She always gets into conflicts at work, with family, with friends (when she has them)....and the same outcome.

The other thing to be WARNED about: When they tell you their woes and stories about other people, they sound so legit! You WILL believe her and be on her side. But rmember, there are always two sides to every story. All of my exes friends always hated me.....until they actually met me and realized what she was doing.

Man happymom, you brought back some memories! ltmike, happymom's own sister has this and she's telling you to move on....should tell you something.

I can already tell you feel sorry for her and want to help which is very admirable. Whatever decision you make, post here and let us know how it's working.

Good luck,
Skarn
after she didn't return my calls today i went to her room and we talked. we broke up. she said that she needs to focus on getting herself better and that she can't handle any other kind of emotional aspect in her life ie. a relationship. i got then "it's not me it's you" bit but in this case i think it's legit because shes on all these meds and whatnot. or something like that. so thats that. really sucks, but probably for the best. thanks everyone.
[QUOTE=jen52983;3339316]I can understand why some people would want to bail and not put up with the drama... but thats unfair in a lot of ways to the person with the illness that they didn't choose to have. Give the girl a chance, talk to her about your concerns, educate yourself on her illness(es) so that nothing comes as a shock, and so that you know what you're getting involved in. Her behavior is mostly-likely due to her illness.[/QUOTE]

I have a different perspective on this than those I've read on here -- I do not see anywhere in jen's post that she is indicating or implying that the guy is not being "fair" to the girl with bipolar disorder. IMHO, jen is speaking GENERALLY when she says that it's unfair in a lot of ways for a person to bail on someone with a mental illness they did not choose to have.

I don't think that jen is trying to "guilt" the guy into sticking with the girl. JMVHO.
im really struggling here, i cried my eyes out earlier to a couple people. I went and played some soccer to try and get my mind off of it but now im back in my room with nothing to do but think. I don't know what to do, im a wreck. can someone help me with moving on.
not sure if you saw, but in my previous post i mentioned we broke up tonight. so thats why im really upset. although it's somewhat of a relief to know concretely where im at.
[QUOTE=ltmike;3339853]after she didn't return my calls today i went to her room and we talked. we broke up. she said that she needs to focus on getting herself better and that she can't handle any other kind of emotional aspect in her life ie. a relationship. i got then "it's not me it's you" bit but in this case i think it's legit because shes on all these meds and whatnot. or something like that. so thats that. really sucks, but probably for the best. thanks everyone.[/QUOTE]

Ahh, you were right - I had missed this post in which you mentioned that you and she have broken up. Hmmm ... it sounds to me (and it's just my perception, that's all!) as if there might NOT be a permanent/forever *break up* -- since she told you that she needs to focus on getting herself better (and that she can't handle a relationship, etc.) it MIGHT be that she's kind of leaving the door a bit open in terms of MAYBE when she gets herself better she might feel that she would be able to handle a relationship and if so, then she might contact you. IF this is the case, who knows how long it would take her to feel that she has gotten herself better and is okay with trying a relationship.

I do not want to give you false hope, so I will address what you mentioned in a different thread on here regarding how to move on -- now I would say that it would be good for you to continue to try to distract yourself as best you can, as with the example you gave of playing soccer ... I'd suggest that you get together with friends you have there at school, socialize with them (whatever you enjoy doing together that's wholesome!). Maybe join a club if there's any that interest you, both for your sake and as a way of meeting a new girl (there's nothing like a new person to take one's mind off an old one!)

Best of luck to you.
thanks for that post paddler. everything she said is really fuzzy because i felt sick and dizzy as she was explaining what she was feeling. i caught something like "i still really care for you and i like you, and maybe we'll date later." Those weren't her exact words but it was something to that effect. but I'm not keeping my hopes up. im not sure i would want her back. all speculation anyway.
-update-
I'm actually feeling really good right now. the most painful thing for me is the fact that she ignored me instead of talking to me about what was going on. It was like the girl i knew completely disappeared and was replaced by one who didn't care that i even existed. We had a great thing going, or so i thought, and it's painful to know that it's over. i also just really hope she gets better. she is very beautiful and has a wonderful smile and it just kills me to know that she has been abused and that shes not happy with herself.
kills me. but other than that im good :)
Hey Mike,

I'm glad you are feeling better. You will have your good days and bad days, but time will eventually allow you to move on without the pain. As paddler said, stay busy and it will make it easier. One advice I have though is to NOT contact her. Trust me when I say that because if you do, the cycle will start all over again and it will be even harder to move on the next time.

Good luck bro!
Skarn
I didn't mean to guilt the OP into anything. Sorry for the misunderstanding. Paddler's take on my statement was more what I was getting at. I simply meant that alot of people are too quick to say "oh, you got problems.. forget that then."

I got the impression that the OP genuinely liked this girl, so I didn't want him to walk away without at least giving the relationship a shot. That's all I meant.

I'm sorry to hear that she broke it off. But I agree that it probably is for the best... her reasoning is a good one. Mental illness or not, I believe everyone needs to "fix" themselves before they can have a successful relationship.
[QUOTE=ltmike;3340073]thanks for that post paddler. everything she said is really fuzzy because i felt sick and dizzy as she was explaining what she was feeling. i caught something like "i still really care for you and i like you, and maybe we'll date later." Those weren't her exact words but it was something to that effect. but I'm not keeping my hopes up. im not sure i would want her back. all speculation anyway.
-update-
I'm actually feeling really good right now. the most painful thing for me is the fact that she ignored me instead of talking to me about what was going on. It was like the girl i knew completely disappeared and was replaced by one who didn't care that i even existed. We had a great thing going, or so i thought, and it's painful to know that it's over. i also just really hope she gets better. she is very beautiful and has a wonderful smile and it just kills me to know that she has been abused and that shes not happy with herself.
kills me. but other than that im good :)[/QUOTE]

I'm glad to hear you are feeling better - as another poster here said, you'll have good days and not-so-good days as you go through the letting go process. I'm sorry that she handled things in a less than courteous manner (ignoring you instead of talking to you about what was going on), but perhaps she couldn't help herself, didn't know how else to handle it, etc.

Best wishes to you.
You guys are something...

I have bipolar 2, and I am actually very well. I am an architect getting my license soon. I have a fulltime job. I have had many long term relationships...actually dating a new man now. I have lots of love and support from my family.

I think it is a terrible thing, lumping all bipolars and their behavior into one category. If they take meds, and are highly functioning, they will be fine. Some of the smartest and most talented artists, musicians, and celebrities are bipolar...

So, to all of you that love Eminem, Nirvana...heck, even Mariah went batshit and saw things...

Most of Hollywood is Bipolar. You should give us a chance as people.





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