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Its been a while since Ive been on these boards, and I used to have a different name but am using a more recent one. So all past posts in relation to this one are under citygirl23 (if I remember correctly).

Just recently I got engaged to a wonderful guy. We had a very rocky start but we have since gotten it together and I truly feel that he is the man that I can't be without.

Before this, I was with a guy for 2 years who I very intensely loved. I was almost 22 when I met him. I was ready to marry him from the start. We never fought, we were perfect, I thought. We met in college, I moved up to NYC, he used to visit me every other weekend. Then, when he moved up to be with me and go to med school, within two weeks he treated me strangely, dumped me with no real reason but he had to "find himself"...and then a few weeks later I found out he was seeing a girl from the floor below him who was also in his classes.

It took me a good year, if not more, to 'move on', but Im not sure if I ever moved on. I love my fiancee, but I love him in a different way. Less intense, less self-sacrificial, and more friendship-love (which, in the long-run, I think is ultimately better). With my ex, I would have done ANYTHING to keep him around- I lived and breathed him. But I don't really think thats healthy. With my fiancee I feel at peace, like he completes me, whereas with my ex I felt like I would die if I was without him, and couldn't function. So you can understand how it was for me to deal with a breakup. Sad to say, I did not deal with it well. I cried on the phone to him and called him incessantly in teh beginning. Once i found out about the girlfriend, I ended up sleeping with an acquaintance of his (not a good friend of his, but still), who was a rebound that lasted a few months. I was hurt and grieving and it was a quick fix for things I guess. Im assuming that my ex found out about this over the years, as several people unfortunately knew about it. So..I didnt really look like such a big loss to him at the time, Im sure.

I still have dreams from time to time about my ex. Usually they are not good dreams. I also think about him, in the sense that before I board any type of public transportation, or walk down the busy NYC streets, I always wonder if I will see him.

And tonight, lo and behold, I did. I had just had a glass of wine and was heading out to meet my girlfriends (my fiancee is currently away for the weekend visiting family). The subway train pulled up and the doors open and I glance up and look into the eyes of my ex, who is standing with the girl he left me for.

I immediately looked away, mainly in shock, and thinking I was hallucinating from the wine, because I had imagined this moment over and over but never expected I would run into him then and there.

So as I pulled myself together and moved a few people away from him, I prepared myself to look up and say hi, or do a litttle wave in his direction. But he ignored me. I know he saw me because he clearly made eye contact when I was about to get on the train. At another point when I looked up, he was looking at me but immediately looked away.

As soon as I got off the train, I cried and called my mom. It has been almost 2 years- the last time I saw him he was picking up his stuff from my house right after the breakup.

I am very upset with my reaction to this, but I think there are a few reasons why I am so torn over this: it did bring back hurtful memories, and it did hurt to see him still with this girl (and to see him in tangible form rather than an abstraction in my mind), but it was hurtful that he didnt even acknowledge me. Granted, I looked away when first getting on the train, out of pure SHOCK and instinctive reaction. But I felt I was trying to be the bigger person or at least act civil by trying to wave or say hi.

Our relationship ended very nasty when I found out about his conveniently new girlfriend, so I wouldn't be surprised if he didnt look at me becaues he felt guilty. Or maybe he thinks Im crazy or a **** over the way I dealt with the breakup. But seeing him jsut brought up a whole slew of emotions that I don't necessarily know how to deal with. One good thing is that I had no romantic feelings when I saw him (thank god!), and I actually felt extremely eager to call my fiancee and tell him I loved him. But this whole night Ive had a lump in my throat and I cant get this mental image out of my head of seeing him and her together...still, after the way he ended things with me after all we had. Is this crazy? Why am I feeling this way after being happily engaged?





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