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Lonely lonely
Dec 16, 2007
Hi all:

I am not quite certain what to write here or about. There has been a lot going on lately, in my life that has been quite hard for me, and I am quickly coming up on being single for an entire year. And while I realize being single for just one year is no real feat, and probably quite normal and healthy in many ways--I am beginning to panic.
Well, that may be an exaggeration, or at least a misrepresentation of how I really feel.
Let me explain:
I am a woman in my late twenties, I have had two serious relationships in my life one which lated almost 4 years (a very rocky 4 years) and one which lasted one but dragged out for two (long distance the second year.)
I also would like to note that all in all, I am a very independent and self-sufficient person. My last relationship initally ended because I moved away to pursue my carrer and education. It was dragged out because he insisted on the idea that he was going to move here as well; which I welcomed the idea of, and held off on seeing anyone in anticipation of this for nearly a year. Well, after all, he did not come because he was afraid of change, and of leaving his job, etc...
So, that ended nearly a year ago now--though he still pops up now and again, trying to get back in touch with me (which I ignore)
Anyways (I'm sorry I am exhausted and scatter-brained writing this) my point is that it takes me a long time to get over some one and I am ok with that, in fact, even though it is hard, I appreciate the fact that I take the time to mourn and give myself time and space to deal with the emotions brought on by break-ups, and to heal and get to know myself again--
trouble is, all the sudden it has been a year (and practically two, since the year before that was on-and-off long distance--so nothing physical, or at least very scarcely, except for the breif few times he was visiting)
Not that there is anything exraordinary or freakish about being single for a year; I know it is completly normal--but the thing is, I am young, I am living in a large city, I should be having fun, dating, kissing, being playful.
And now all the sudden it has been an entire year since I so much as kissed anyone, and I feel like a mutant.
I had gone long stretches before, but this is by far the longest--I don;t want to just be with anyone, but I feel so terribly lonely.
At first I needed to mourn, get back in touch with myself. Now I feel I have, and i finally met someone I really liked--and I made it clear how I felt about him--just as I thought it was goign to blossom, I learned he had feelings for my friend, and he is now agggresivly pursuing her;clearly he has no interest in me.
So, I know rejection happens to everyone, and it;s part of the game. But now I feel like a lost cause. I never like anyone, never open up unless I feel it;s right, and now i finally do, and it;s not working, and i am just so unbelievably lonely I don;t know what to do.
I just feel like it's working for everyine around me, or they have at least had a fling or something in the past year; I have't so much as held hands and I feel like a freak, and I feel so alone.
I know a one night stand isn;t the solution--but what am i supposed to do in the interim? It;s taking forever to meet someone--I;ve waited till I healed, I tried the internet, I am social, I;ve gone on dates--but no spark. Finally a spark, and I am rejected.
I probab;ly wouldn't have taken it so badly, but he got my hopes up last week as he was very flirty and physical with me when we were all out with friends (he is in a new addition to my group of friends) We were all drinking, as we were out celebrating a friend;s birthday--anyways, he is normally very shy and reserved (which is part of why i could not read if he liked me or not--he had been giving mixed messages) but that night he wasn't shy at all--and several times he stopped me and grabbed me to pull me into his lap or to be closer to him.... I should have chalked it up to his being drunk, but he is not a physicaal person normally, so i took it to mean he liked me.
And needless to say, it sent my pathetic hopes soaring.
Finally~! I would at least share a kiss with someone meaningful! Well, it did not happen--and I later learned that he has feelingfs for another girl, not me. I felt like a fool- but moreover, I feel this deep sadness that I cannot ease. I know it;s not because of him, becuase nothing even happened between us, but it was just the feeling of being held, pulled close--what I though was affection by someone I liked--the simple physicality of it--being held, made me realize how sad and lonely I have been--how alone I have felt.
I hadn;t been held in so long. And now I can;t stop crying because I feel like that will never happen again, that I;ve used up my chances. My friends are all meeting people--even if it doesn;t workl out--they at least have intervals of happiness, or where they feel hopeful about someone--my crush was over before it started, and I still keep hoping he;ll change his mind. It';s pathetic.
I am a tough, talented, intelligent, attractive, successful, kind woman---I dont; feel badly about myself, but I am starting too-- am I getting too old? Do soem people just end up alone?
What am I doing wrong? And how do I cope with this loneliness and sadness when there is no end in sight?!
I've just been going through so much lately, and all I want is that person who I ca n talk to or just be near, who understands me and makes it better just be being there and listening.
I am afraid I am never going to find that again. And I just feel so so lonely--I don;t knwo what to do about it. I can;t convince myself to date someone I don;t really like---but I don;t like anyone, and haven;t in so long--and the one I like doesn;t like me back. I have tried to be patient, but am beginning to feel despondent and devastated by feeling/being so alone.
Is this normal? or am I a freak for not so much as held hands in a year.....
Re: Lonely lonely
Dec 16, 2007
[QUOTE=mochi*;3351929]Hi all:

I am not quite certain what to write here or about.

[COLOR="Blue"]Nevertheless, you have written almost 1,200 words. If you had been certain, either you would have written a whole book or you would have nothing to write about. Maybe you are still searching for meaning in your life. And this very search gives (a) meaning to your life, doesn't it? One blessing. [/COLOR]

There has been a lot going on lately, in my life that has been quite hard for me, and I am quickly coming up on being single for an entire year. And while I realize being single for just one year is no real feat, and probably quite normal and healthy in many ways--I am beginning to panic.
Well, that may be an exaggeration, or at least a misrepresentation of how I really feel.
Let me explain:
I am a woman in my late twenties, I have had two serious relationships in my life one which lated almost 4 years (a very rocky 4 years) and one which lasted one but dragged out for two (long distance the second year.)
I also would like to note that all in all, I am a very independent and self-sufficient person.

[COLOR="Blue"]This is a blessing. You are probably a healthy person, too, and you have probably got a good job. Three more blessings in one paragraph.[/COLOR]

My last relationship initally ended because I moved away to pursue my carrer and education. It was dragged out because he insisted on the idea that he was going to move here as well; which I welcomed the idea of, and held off on seeing anyone in anticipation of this for nearly a year. Well, after all, he did not come because he was afraid of change, and of leaving his job, etc...
So, that ended nearly a year ago now--though he still pops up now and again, trying to get back in touch with me (which I ignore)
Anyways (I'm sorry I am exhausted and scatter-brained writing this) my point is that it takes me a long time to get over some one and I am ok with that, in fact, even though it is hard, I appreciate the fact that I take the time to mourn and give myself time and space to deal with the emotions brought on by break-ups, and to heal and get to know myself again--
trouble is, all the sudden it has been a year (and practically two, since the year before that was on-and-off long distance--so nothing physical, or at least very scarcely, except for the breif few times he was visiting)
Not that there is anything exraordinary or freakish about being single for a year; I know it is completly normal--but the thing is, I am young, I am living in a large city, I should be having fun, dating, kissing, being playful.
And now all the sudden it has been an entire year since I so much as kissed anyone, and I feel like a mutant.
I had gone long stretches before, but this is by far the longest--I don;t want to just be with anyone, but I feel so terribly lonely.
At first I needed to mourn, get back in touch with myself.

[COLOR="Blue"]Why do you ignore him? Do you think he was a fool? Could you put yourself into his shoes and not be afraid of change etc? Do you think he did not love you enough to take the risks? Do you think you would waste your time if you gave him another chance, because he simply is a hesitant type? The point is - don't you think you may perhaps discard people too quckly? This is a (speculative) question rather than an assertion. [/COLOR]

Now I feel I have, and i finally met someone I really liked--and I made it clear how I felt about him--just as I thought it was goign to blossom, I learned he had feelings for my friend, and he is now agggresivly pursuing her;clearly he has no interest in me.
So, I know rejection happens to everyone, and it;s part of the game. But now I feel like a lost cause.

[COLOR="Blue"]Oh, come on. A lost cause? I know you know you are not one. But wait a minute: what is the actual expression: a lost cause or a lost case? Ok, that is pure semantics, but you are a lost case/cause only when you give up.[/COLOR]

I never like anyone, never open up unless I feel it;s right, and now i finally do, and it;s not working, and i am just so unbelievably lonely I don;t know what to do.

[COLOR="Blue"]Perhaps you should first count up to ten before opening up again. And, in any case, if it didn't work, you are not to blame. If you don't know what to do, don't do anything. Just keep doing what is essential to your living. Health comes first. Have you lately considered joining the nearest gym? And when did you last read a really good book?[/COLOR]

I just feel like it's working for everyine around me, or they have at least had a fling or something in the past year; I have't so much as held hands and I feel like a freak, and I feel so alone.
I know a one night stand isn;t the solution--but what am i supposed to do in the interim? It;s taking forever to meet someone--I;ve waited till I healed, I tried the internet, I am social, I;ve gone on dates--but no spark. Finally a spark, and I am rejected.

[COLOR="Blue"]But it was a false spark, a flash in the pan? He may have rejected you, but you don't have to reject yourself.[/COLOR]

I probab;ly wouldn't have taken it so badly, but he got my hopes up last week as he was very flirty and physical with me when we were all out with friends (he is in a new addition to my group of friends) We were all drinking, as we were out celebrating a friend;s birthday--anyways, he is normally very shy and reserved (which is part of why i could not read if he liked me or not--he had been giving mixed messages) but that night he wasn't shy at all--and several times he stopped me and grabbed me to pull me into his lap or to be closer to him.... I should have chalked it up to his being drunk, but he is not a physicaal person normally, so i took it to mean he liked me.
And needless to say, it sent my pathetic hopes soaring.
Finally~! I would at least share a kiss with someone meaningful! Well, it did not happen--and I later learned that he has feelingfs for another girl, not me. I felt like a fool- but moreover, I feel this deep sadness that I cannot ease. I know it;s not because of him, becuase nothing even happened between us, but it was just the feeling of being held, pulled close--what I though was affection by someone I liked--the simple physicality of it--being held, made me realize how sad and lonely I have been--how alone I have felt.
I hadn;t been held in so long. And now I can;t stop crying because I feel like that will never happen again, that I;ve used up my chances.

[COLOR="Blue"]Of course you haven't. And even if you had, chances will be popping out again when you least expect it. That is the wheel of life. [/COLOR]

My friends are all meeting people--even if it doesn;t workl out--they at least have intervals of happiness, or where they feel hopeful about someone--my crush was over before it started, and I still keep hoping he;ll change his mind. It';s pathetic.
I am a tough, talented, intelligent, attractive, successful, kind woman---I dont; feel badly about myself, but I am starting too-- am I getting too old?

[COLOR="Blue"]Old, yes, but you can't avoid getting older, can you? although aging is quite controllable, you know. [/COLOR]

Do soem people just end up alone?

[COLOR="Blue"]Yes, some people do. Actually, at the very end of your life, just like at the beginning, all the people are often alone, though not necessarily lonely. You have your memories at least.[/COLOR]

What am I doing wrong?

[COLOR="Blue"]Well, it's hard to say, but perhaps you're being a little impatient and refusing to see all the colours around you.[/COLOR]

And how do I cope with this loneliness and sadness when there is no end in sight?!

[COLOR="Blue"]These feelings may have reached their bottom. Now let's hope they will begin to rise, and gradually you'll feel renewed again. Such are feelings, they come and go. It happens to everyone.[/COLOR]

I've just been going through so much lately, and all I want is that person who I ca n talk to or just be near, who understands me and makes it better just be being there and listening.
I am afraid I am never going to find that again. And I just feel so so lonely--I don;t knwo what to do about it. I can;t convince myself to date someone I don;t really like---but I don;t like anyone, and haven;t in so long--and the one I like doesn;t like me back. I have tried to be patient, but am beginning to feel despondent and devastated by feeling/being so alone.
Is this normal? or am I a freak for not so much as held hands in a year.....

[COLOR="Blue"]No, I don't think you are a freak. It's relatively normal to have these thoughts and feelings, but don't let them take over your life. Why don't you focus on other aspects of your life? I don't mean another career, but maybe an activity or hobby that will demand the efforts of your hidden talents and will enable you to approach different kinds of people. Maybe you simply have to change your environment, who knows?[/COLOR]

[/QUOTE]





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