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Relationship Health Message Board


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Honey, your husband got off lightly here and I wouldnt mind telling him so myself; if that had been my bloke he'd have got a smack of something a whole lot harder than a Santy Clause hat, and he'd have felt the difference - trust me!

The drinking I can excuse (I'm not in a position to appropriate blame there, ha ha!) - the half naked women, I cant.

I'm sorry, but I would just [I]break my bf's face[/I] if I caught him in that sort of kip - and with his arms around them too!!! Jesus!! Can you get any worse?? :dizzy:

I'm sorry Bigirlsdontcry, I don't have much in the way of advice, but I would like to lend my support and reaffirm you have [I]EVERY[/I] right to have [I]steam coming out of your ears[/I] at this time.

Maybe give him the cold shoulder for a couple of days; maybe put that fantastic female skill into use; I call it - 'Picture, but no sound', like when the telly's broke and you can see everything but hear nothing, ha ha. Men hate that and women hate what they do to deserve it but these are the cards the Good Lord dealt us, more's the pity for us!

What on earth do they get out of it??? Half naked women with their boobs hanging out?! So what??? The way men go on you'd think we were born with our clothes on...:rolleyes:

The one piece of advice I'd give you is this: Don't allow this to ruin your Christmas. Give him the silent treatment, give him the 'picture, but no sound' for a couple of days - let him know how '[I]not on[/I]' this is, and then, when the subject comes up (which it surely will) tell him if he wants to see a pair of boobs, or anything else intimately female, there's only one place to go - home.
[QUOTE=GypsyArcher;3360906]Why would he need your permission to go out somewhere? This is the reason a lot of strip clubs forbid women. If I decided to go out with a bunch of girlfriends and visit a male strip club for kicks and giggles, that would be my own perogative, I would ask nobody's permission (because I am an adult) and if my boyfriend came charging threw the door and HIT me? I'd think of kicking HIM to the curb. You are lucky that your husband is being so cool about it.[/QUOTE]

Umm...no I'm not lucky he's being cool. He's lucky I'M BEING COOL about it. I choose what to put up with and what not to. If a guy treated me like I didn't matter, I'd kick him to the curb. No offense, but you just have a different relationship then what I've ever seen. If there were a strip club which forbid women, the area where I live would NOT put up with that. That would be more than sexual discriminiation, disrespectful, and blatent disregard for women and their feelings about the actions of men. I've NEVER had the desire to see a male stripper. I think they're just too sleezy and trashy. However, if I did ever go to a male review with friends, I would tell my guy not turn my phone off, get overly drunk, give the trashy guys way too much money and and hang on them like a loser.

And if everyone thought it was funny that he got his butt kicked, and he says he loves me for it....it's oviously not the same thing as a guy smacking a girl. My guy is a big guy. He didn't have a scratch on him. He didn't get hurt.
[QUOTE=Bigirlsdontcry;3360967]And if everyone thought it was funny that he got his butt kicked, and he says he loves me for it....it's oviously not the same thing as a guy smacking a girl. My guy is a big guy. He didn't have a scratch on him. He didn't get hurt.[/QUOTE]

Well yes, obviously OP, a man getting a few smacks of a Santy Clause hat is nothing to contact social services about, ha ha! Like I said earlier, the man got off light!

I know (and am glad to know) that I don't own my partner, but I also know that what I [I]DO[/I] own is responsibility for my own psychological and psycho-sexual health, and sharing a life with a man who got off on salivating over half naked unfortunates would be [I]deeply[/I] unhealthy for me.

I think you responded as any halfway normal wife would; I think you let this man know what was acceptable in your marriage and what wasn't and I have to say I commend you for it. Best wishes and a happy new year (Santy Clause hat and all! Ha ha!:D)

Laylah
I know I am jumping in late on this one and I didn't read the list of replies so I appologize for repeating anything.

Honestly, the change in character is what I find pretty alarming, more so then the place he went (although that would piss me off if I didn't know he was going there in the first place).

I think you need to address that with him, his lack of communication. How would he feel if you basically pulled a disappearing act only to be found hours later hanging all over two male strippers completely drunk? Turn the tables on him. Men seem to think it's okay not to call and to turn off their phone and then show up whenever they please. We wives and mothers are not afforded the luxury of being so irresponsible.

If he still doesn't take you seriously (which I think could happen here) you need to plan a ladies night with your friends, turn off your phone, and not come back home until the next morning. Give him a dose of his own medicine. It did this once with my husband and it did the trick. He didn't like the feeling of worry he got and now calls when he says he will and always leaves his phone on.
[QUOTE=happymom28;3362958]I know I am jumping in late on this one and I didn't read the list of replies so I appologize for repeating anything.

Honestly, the change in character is what I find pretty alarming, more so then the place he went (although that would piss me off if I didn't know he was going there in the first place).

I think you need to address that with him, his lack of communication. How would he feel if you basically pulled a disappearing act only to be found hours later hanging all over two male strippers completely drunk? Turn the tables on him. Men seem to think it's okay not to call and to turn off their phone and then show up whenever they please. We wives and mothers are not afforded the luxury of being so irresponsible.

If he still doesn't take you seriously (which I think could happen here) you need to plan a ladies night with your friends, turn off your phone, and not come back home until the next morning. Give him a dose of his own medicine. It did this once with my husband and it did the trick. He didn't like the feeling of worry he got and now calls when he says he will and always leaves his phone on.[/QUOTE]

I agree that the lying is the most disturbing part here. I disagree with the dose of his own medicine part. It doesn't really solve the problem. You should go with your husband to the club so you can see how lame it really is. Strip clubs are nothing special, they are really kind of un-sexy too.

He most certainly should not lie to you about where he is going, and he should not be getting drunk without a ride. It's disrespectful to you.
I just want to say, I've been reading the past few comments.

My husband doesn't go out much. When we got together, I'm the one who went out all the time. He always wanted to stay in.

He's only turned off his phone and done this once or twice, ever. And it means he's doing something wrong. I just can't agree with comments who think he probably didn't tell me sinse he knew I wouldn't like it. That's not an excuse. Of course I wouldn't like it. But let me shed some light here.


A friend of mine whom I've known sinse age 12 was a stripper for a little while. If I was in touch with her when she did this, of course I would have tried to stop her, but I wasn't. She got back in touch with me years later. And one of my cousins (who is a guy) is married to a former stripper. I have lots of cousins and I'm not close to this one, but I do know him. I don't think women commenting on this board (even though I appreciate the comments) really understand that men think a lot more of female strippers than you think. We think they're gross, sleezely skanks. We want to believe our guys wouldn't want them, just going to strip clubs for fun, but that's usually not the case with guys.

My friend who was a stripper for a while, I watched her live with a rich guy for several years, and he knew she had been a stripper. She also started stripping because her exboyfriend whom she lived with for ears before that, (who had millions by the way) broke up with her and started going out with a stripper for a while! So in response, she did it for a while out of hurt.

I just want to add, I mentioned to my guy how he didn't need to be hanging on strippers because to me it's like he's hanging on someone like my friend, and he commented that, "those girls weren't that bad because they were wearing g-strings and tops and were not "nude", so they weren't as bad as my friend who was a "nude" stripper. Great, he has high respect for them. Wonderful..that makes it even worse.

Girls, if you think your guy wouldn't want to, or try to go out with a stripper if he's going to strip clubs think again.

If my guy didn't tell me and turned off his phone, it's because he had something to hide. I learned he spent over 500.00 He was hanging on strippers drunk. That's horrible in any shape or form.

But he says he won't do it again, and understands because of my cousin and friend why I don't want him there.
I think I was one of the posters that said he turned his phone off because he knew you wouldn't agree with his plans. I think I also said that it wasn't an excuse, just an explanation. It doesn't make it right. I was just pointing out what he was probably thinking. Guys are generally simply minded and act in the moment, without thinking of consequences. I'm not justifying his actions, just pointing out yet another difference between males and females.

When I read the original post I got the impression that this was the first time he's ever done anything like this; phone off, and getting drunk at a strip club. So I was going more for a "give him a break" kind of angle. Now you say that he turns his phone off when he's doing something wrong or has something to hide... so what else has he been doing when he turns his phone off?

I understand being upset about the money spent, about him touching half naked women, and even getting drunk if its out of character for him. I don't blame you there.

I don't agree that a majority of men who go to strip clubs would want to be romantically involved with a stripper. I think that varies from guy to guy. Like Happymom's hubby, I know my boyfriend would rather spend the night drinking beer with his guy friends playing video games or watching football!

It doesn't sound as if your husband is a frequent customer at any strip club, so even though his behavior was out of character and he handled the situation immaturely and was irresponsible (with money and drinking), I think it's something that can be talked through and over-come. If it becomes a constant, then maybe it's time to reconsider.
[QUOTE=Bigirlsdontcry;3365624]Other women generally think that men think of strippers as so far below them, they never would want them. I'm just saying men and women DO NOT think alike. Beware. That's all I'm saying.[/QUOTE]

I know exactly what you are saying (and I wasn't offended so don't worry). My brother's best friend dated a stripper for over a year. He thought is was love and all of his friends (my brother and husband included) kept telling him that she was only using him for his money (he came into an inheritance when he turned 25) but he wouldn't listen. Well, she dumped his *** when an older or more "financially stable" man came along to buy her even more things.

No, two times in twelve years to turn off a phone isn't bad. Just be careful not to buy into the friends being a bad influence bull****. My husband has a few friends that are not exactly my favorite people, but he also keeps his head about him. He knows right and wrong and takes ownership of his actions when he does screw up (like the time he got so drunk he passed out on my brother's couch and my SIL called me to tell me where he was).
Wow, this seems to have turned into a heated subject.

I guess I'm talking about it because I was hurt that my guy couldn't just go to the strip club and "only look", and spend in moderation. That's hurtful to me. Yes, we're moving past it, and I'm no longer discussing it with him. He's agreed he doesn't need to go to strip clubs and will not do it again. But I did have a conversation with my friend who used to be a stripper. She called, she lives quite a distance away. And I explained the situation to her. It reminded me of just "who" he was hanging on.

Look, my friend became a stripper because she was hurt by a boyfriend who starting seeing a stripper. She did it to get him back and prove a point. That's not to say she has "bad" morals. She's actually a good person. A very good person. But when it comes to "sexual" morals, hers are quite a bit more liberal than mine.

I was extremely poor while trying to go to college. My parents didn't pay for any of it, or help me at all. I was about as poor as they get. I got regular jobs and I went to school. ALL women have choices. Some just make bad choices.

I would never believe, in the U.S. anyway that any women "had" to do that because of misfortune. As far as my friend, she's very emotional from a bad childhood. That was the cause, not money. And my cousin's wife. She was spoiled and used to having a lot of money. When she turned 18 and got a job, she didn't like having less than she used to at home, so she went for the big money. The poor misfortunate girl thing, is a big myth from what I've seen.

And yes, I think I am finished talking about it. I came here for supportive words and everyone seems heated about husbands and strip clubs. It's something we all have to deal with girls. And yes, some husbands are more devoted than others. Here's hoping all of ours will remain the devoted variety. LOL
I agree that you got a lot of support about your situation. What turned me off is how you seem to think every man will just jump in bed with a stripper if the situation presented itself. That is just a ridiculous way to think IMO. If a man is going to cheat he doesn't need a stripper to do it. It is something he is lacking morally that makes him do it. I am completely sympathetic to you being upset about your husband spending that kind of money while groping two half naked women. I don't know many other women in your position who would find that exact scenario okay. Like Laylah said in an earlier post, if I caught my husband in that exact situation he would have been beaten with a lot more than the santa hat!





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