It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


I posted here before about my breakup 8 months ago after 2+ years. I am 28 and he is 34. We had a really solid, drama-free and happy relationship and I thought he was the one. The breakup was very sudden and unexpected; he kept saying he loved me, didn't want to hurt me and was sorry over and over, but that something told him it wasn't good to continue on. He swore there was no one else, no desire to be with anyone else and that he loved me more than anything. He said he was afraid we wouldn't go further than we had and that he did not know what he wanted and he hated that I did and and he did not and that he could not give me the time and attention I wanted and deserved. It was incredibly hard, but we parted without any harsh words. We have had no contact since then with no plans for it. He is very, very private and very decisive and stubborn, so when he does something, he does it completely without going back. He did that with our breakup -- he basically walked away without looking back. Our mutual friends say that he refuses to discuss me or the breakup, that they press him for information or ask him why he ended it and he just tells them he doesn't have more answers, doesn't want to discuss it. They've asked him why he never reached out to me, why he never called or checked in and he's told them he doesn't want to make it worse, doesn't know what to say, doesn't have any further answers to give me and doesn't see that any good can come of it. I agree. It’s the past and being in touch won't solve anything. But I am still in a lot of pain even 8 months later.

The breakup completely leveled me and I felt like I broke into a thousand pieces. I was so overcome I missed two days of work, I cried for days and weeks, and was an emotional wreck, overall. I started to get my stuff together and threw myself into activities like running, classes at the gym, book clubs and seeing friends. I took a few weekend vacations. I bought a new car. I landed a new job. I capitalized on not being able to eat for 3 weeks following the breakup and, combined with more time working out, lost 15 pounds. I went on a couple dates. And then I met a nice guy who I have been dating for the past four months. On the outside, I am fooling everyone. I seem to have totally moved on and am "so much better off" now than before. But it's all smoke and mirrors. Sure, I got out and did some things to better my life and stay out of depression, but I still cry for my ex and still mourn him. The realtionship I am in now is exclusive but more casual. He is definitely not the one. But he knows I am not looking for big commitment, so I am not leading him on. While I enjoy seeing him, I know that we are too different to make it work in the long term. It depresses me that it's like that. It makes me sad that I am seeing this guy I see no future with. It makes me feel bad that I hold his hand and wish it were my ex's. But, being alone and not having any companionship romantically, would be hard, too.

Through mutual friends I know my ex is single and not dating. I have adopted his approach of simply deleting me from his life. We don't communicate and I don't ask about him, I don't ****** stalk him. But I can't get him out of my mind. A friend let it slip that he was single and had been. And while finding out he was dating would be hard (which I am sure will happen soon if not right now) it is also hard to know that he feels truly better off without me. That he'd be better off alone, without a relationship, without love in his life, than being with me. And, I'm not being blind at all when I say we had something really great. It was loving, it was incredible, it was easy. No arguments, no drama, lots of fun, lots of memories. I adored him. Even after two years, I got butterflies every time he called. I broke into a smile every time he emailed me. I felt such excitement every time I pulled into his driveway to see him. I cried out of sheer happiness, I have to admit. Now, it's the opposite effect. How could being alone and unloved be a better alternative to our relationship? I just can't get it.

My biggest issue is how far behind I feel. With my ex, we had this incredible lifestyle and I loved every minute with him. We went on great trips, we had an awesome group of friends, I spent holidays with his family and I dreamed of having a life with him -- moving into his huge house, settling down with him. I thought for sure we were on that path. And maybe we were, even to him for awhile. I am 28 now and all of my friends, for the most part, are married or living with their boyfriends, in beautiful condos and houses, with babies on the way or in the plans. I rent an apartment in a college neighborhood with a roommate, and she is moving out this summer when our lease ends to live with her boyfriend. I face having to find a stranger to live with again or deleting all savings and living paycheck to paycheck to rent my own apartment (pricy city -- a decent one bedroom, nothing too nice, goes for $1100 minimum, without utilities or parking). I have been a bridesmaid 5 times. I have been to at least 40 weddings in the past 5 years. I have sat through a dozen baby showers. I am sick of celebrating everyone else's happiness and success (and spending 60% of my salary on at Babies R Us and Crate and Barrel -- and not on things for me) when I am so miserable. I feel like life is passing me by. I feel like I am running out of time. I am afraid I may never have the feelings for someone that I had for him. I picture myself just settling for someone else, but always wishing it was my ex I was with. This isn't the life that I want, but I can't seem to do it alone. And I don't know what to do to just get over this for good. I am afraid I never will.
Just as an update, the new guy I hadn't felt a connection with and I broke up tonight. It is for the best and I know it is the healthiest thing to do, since I hadn't seen it going anywhere and hadn't wanted it to since we met four months ago, but it still stinks. I am still sad and I can't stop crying.

We had a nice day skiing and on the way home he asked, like he had times before, where I saw us going. Before I'd always said that I was just having fun and seeing where it was going and was not looking for something very serious. Which is true, but I knew all along that he wasn't right for me. So I told him that I enjoed spending time with him, but honestly, I didn't see us going further than the level we were at. He said he has felt that was the case and had started thinking about it too te last week or so. He asked me when I knew it didn't have long term potential. I was quiet, and he said "from the get go?" I said yes and that I was sorry. He said he understood. We talked more about why and what we'd been feeling and were on the same page, except I had felt there wasn't really passion or excitement there since the start and he just realized it this past week or two.

We talked about what to do -- break up and never talk; do the friends with benefits thing (not really my thing); just be friends; or keep seeing each other casually as we kind of had and separating when one of us had enough or met someone else. None of it is ideal, then again, this relationship was never ideal. We had a pretty open talk about how we each felt dating when there wasn't a future for either of us in it -- that we enjoyed the comfort and companionship and we obviously got along and had fun and the physical aspect was always a great match, it;s just that the spark was never there for me, and he realized just now that it was missing for him, too.

So, we said bye for now and he said he wanted to think about things for awhile. He said he'd call in a few days and maybe we could get together, have a drink. I joked that that was basically the RL we had now, and he laughed, said it was true. We agreed no matter what, we'd be good "activity partners" -- we even discussed going skiing again in a few weeks. Who does that while they break up, right? So, we just hugged for a minute or two and just stood there. I teared up and he asked if I was ok. I said yes, just that I was glad he had said something and it had been on my mind for awhile, but it was still sad, a RL without feelings or emotions.

I left, came home and have been crying since. I am not ready for being single and alone. I can't handle it, I think. That's why I stayed in it when I knew it wasn't going to work out long term. I just am afriad of being without someone. I feel like a loser to be single when all of my friends are married. I judge myself based on whether I am with someone, I feel others do, too. I just feel pathetic and even though this was not a great RL with him, it was something. I was involved. And someone was thinking of me. Someone was looking forward to seeing me. And now it is back to nothing.





All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:30 AM.





© 2020 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!