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[QUOTE=holdfasthop;3376303]Sounds like you are very secure in yourself and your relationship. At the end of the day, this boils down to my own hangups. I just don't know how to get over them. She's great. I love her. But when people say don't worry about it, forget it --- that just doesnt resonate with me.[/QUOTE]

I get where you're coming from on the skiing weekend issue Holdfasthop. There's just no way I'd spend time with anybody my partner has slept with, nor would I expect him to do the same (and if I [I]DID[/I] expect him to do the same he'd tell me where to go in a hurry, I can assure you) Tell her to cop on and have a bit of respect for your feelings. It's fine if some people have no problem with that, but some people do, and that's their right also.

I do think you're going OTT about the number of her past partners though. Six is nothing for a woman in her mid twenties. I know women who get laid by a different man every weekend and lost count a long time ago. I don't regard them in any more derogatory terms than the men who are out doing the same thing themselves every weekend. It's gas how these women are referred to with filthy terminology, but they're out sleeping with MEN - who themselves are employing exactly the same behaviour, yet somehow supposedly haven't done anything to earn the same terms of reference - bizzare, huh?
I think you've got 2 seperate issues here:

1. Number of past partners
2. Socializing with past partners

I'd personally let the past go - she can't change it, it's done. All she can do at this point is be loyal to you. Your relationship with her now is all that really matters.

That being said, the fact that she's going away for weekend trips with her past partners IS affecting your present relationship with her. Like Laylah, there is no way I'd ever go on a trip with a past lover, expect my current partner to be okay with going along or that I'd go on a trip with my current partner and one of his past lovers. To me, that's totally unacceptable. If your gf knows you think it's totally unacceptable but yet still does it then you have a major problem on your hands. Seems like maybe you're just not all that compatible. I'm sure that there are others who, like your gf, would be okay with it. But the point is that you are not. I'd be very bothered if my partner went ahead and did something (like go on the ski trip) in the full knowledge that I was NOT at all okay with it. Doesn't show a lot of respect for your feelings in my opinion.
I wouldn't flat out tell her that you're bothered.. but if she does ask you why the sudden change in behavior.. then be honest about your feelings. It may sting, but the truth isn't always painless, right? And it would be worse for you both in the long run if you bottle this up. If you do tell her, try to word it as least judgemental as possible.

I do believe that this is an issue with you, not her... as you probably already know. In a way you've judged her (her decisions at least) even if you didn't wan't to. You disrespect "that girl" who can have a one night stand. And I don't blame you.. sometimes its viewed as careless fun, other times its viewed as s***y. You thought she had different standards or more respect for herself not to have been one of "those girls."

You have to remember that everyone makes bad choices, mistakes, experiments... whatever. You've made your share, I'm sure. Also, a person at 15, 17, 21.. are different than at 25, 30, 45. Would you make some of the same choices now that you did when you were 18?? Probably not.

Unless she has given you a reason to not trust her, then why are you threatened by her male friends, just because she's been intimate with them? We cannot control our emotions, so you can't help that you're jealous, insecure or threated by her phyiscal relationship with these guys. Being a girl myself who is friends with guys i've kissed, or been more physical with.. I can tell you that you have no reason to worry. Do you think that she compares you to these guys? Do you compare her to girls you've been with? Do you think these guys think they still have a chance with her? Have you ever had a one night stand?

If you're secure with yourself, the relationship and if you trust her then any other guy in the room, whether she's slept with them or not, shouldn't both you. She's with you. My boyfriend's been around guys he knows I've dated and am still friends with.. just as I've been around girls I know he was physical with in the past. Am I bothered? Not anymore. The first few months of the relationship I was.. when I was still unsure of how we felt of eachother and where the relationship was going. But eventually I realized that I was being silly, jealous and insecure. We've been together almost 2 years now and those past girlfriends are no longer any kind of issue. I got over my hang ups.

Really this is something that you are either going to have to come to terms with and get over.. or it will eat you up and you'll have to leave her. She is the same girl that you started dating. She was honest about some choices that she made years ago. People grow up and learn from their mistakes. You don't have to like those things, but they shouldn't be more important than your feelings for her.
[QUOTE=holdfasthop;3376193]I am 29 years old and have been in a relationship with my girlfriend of 26 for about 6 months. I have had several serious relationships in the past.

So, what happened to those other serious relationships? Did you have the same issues with them about past partners or were they all virgins and you just ruined them for the rest of us dirty old men? LOL :)

Recently, we shared some very topical information about our sexual history, and she revealed to me that she had been with 6 other people before me, far more than she had eluded to in the past - several in a very casual manner.

You've had this conversation with her in the past and you couldn't leave it alone could you? Come on... no one shares past experiences with their partners without passing judgement, be it to just accept it or make it a big issue in their relationship. Why else would anyone bring it up? You're not playing Scrabble and coming up with just words.

I know "the past is the past" and I should leave it alone, but the truth is, it bothers me that she's been with that many people before me (more than I have) - several of which she maintains contact with.

Maintaning contact or not, with past partners has a lot to do with the level of RESPECT they have for each other... and the SELF RESPECT they have for themselves. Really!

I realize that this is largely my problem to get over - everyone has a past. My question is this: Should I tell her I'm bothered? I feel myself being distant, and I know she feels it too...I just don't want her to feel I am judging her.

You can tell her but what is the objective you want to achieve with this. You can't change her past experiences with men. Is this more for your own benefit? I think so.

For some reason, I am ashamed of what she's done (one-night stands), and I just don't know where those feelings are coming from.....Should I tell her?[/QUOTE]

I don't want to say that is your problem. It sounds too much like a criticism, but it is an issue that you have to deal with one way or the other. You just seem to be more conservative in how you value relationships. There is nothing wrong with that... unless it bothers you and you can't get over it.
So what do you do? .... only you can figure that out.


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