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I am 29 years old and have been in a relationship with my girlfriend of 26 for about 6 months. I have had several serious relationships in the past.

Recently, we shared some very topical information about our sexual history, and she revealed to me that she had been with 6 other people before me, far more than she had eluded to in the past - several in a very casual manner.

I know "the past is the past" and I should leave it alone, but the truth is, it bothers me that she's been with that many people before me (more than I have) - several of which she maintains contact with.

I realize that this is largely my problem to get over - everyone has a past. My question is this: Should I tell her I'm bothered? I feel myself being distant, and I know she feels it too...I just don't want her to feel I am judging her.

For some reason, I am ashamed of what she's done (one-night stands), and I just don't know where those feelings are coming from.....Should I tell her?
This is just my opinion but in a way I think you are judging her. You are bothered and distant with her since she was honest with you about her past. Are you upset she was with 6 people before you or is it because she was with more people then you have been with. And honestly I would be relieved that she is 26 and it was just 6 people and not a whole heck of a lot more.

I don't know if you should tell her it bothers you or not. I don't know her. But chances are she probably knows it bothers you if you have became more distance since this conversation. And I know I would feel judged if my boyfriend had said it bothered him about my past. We have had this conversation a very times (I am married now) but my past and his past is just that the past. What matters now is the future.
No, don't tell her. This is your problem to deal with, not hers. Telling her will make her feel judged and she doesn't need that from you. Her past has no effect on you or your relationship with her.

What is important is how she treats you and your relationship. If she is a great person to you and treats you the way you deserve then that is all that matters. Make a conscious effort to let these things that are bothering you go. They have NOTHING to do with you. If you don't you do run the risk of pushing her away. Is her past worth losing her over?
well, the past isn't the past when it's in the present. She maintains contact with these people. I just bailed out of a ski weekend with her and a group of people that included a guy she recently slept with....It's hard to drop that stuff when it's in your face.
You just need to get over it. For you to get mad at her for stuff she did before she even knew that you existed is totally unfair! I think you're just jealous that she has more experience than you do, and that's what's bothering you more than anything. You really just need to get over it. That's all that there is to it. At 26, she's bound to have had "a past". If that's not what you want, then find yourself a virgin or something?
so are you saying that she has no obligation to insulate our relationship from that kind of garbage? I should just get over it and spend a ski weekend with some guy she slept with? Does that sound reasonable?
I'm able to hang out with men I have slept with in the past without having any kind of sexual feelings for them. However I would never TELL my boyfriend (assuming I really cared about him) who I had slept with in the past, especially if I was still hanging out with those people.

And heck no, you shouldn't be expected to hang out with guys you know your girlfriend once slept with and be happy about it. It's one thing if she wants to go, but expecting you to is kind of ludicrous.
The way I see it is that she is WITH you. My husband is friends with an ex that he slept with. She is the Godmother of our baby. Some people can maintain frienships with their exes and others can't.

You've been with her for 6 months. Have you met these guys? Does she give you any reason (other than her past, of course) to be jealous? Does she hang all over them? Are these friends respectful of your relationship with her?

If they are not in any way a threat to your relationship then you should let it go. However, if she or they act innappropriately towards eachother or disrespectfully towards you then perhaps you could voice your concern. Just be careful "forbidding" her from being their friend or having her choose, you may not like her choice under those circumstances.

Bottom line, talk to her. Not about her past, but your feelings about her still being friends with the guys. See how she feels. If there is nothing to be jealous of perhaps you could try to forge a friendship with them. You may be surprised.
[QUOTE=GypsyArcher;3376285]I'm able to hang out with men I have slept with in the past without having any kind of sexual feelings for them. However I would never TELL my boyfriend (assuming I really cared about him) who I had slept with in the past, especially if I was still hanging out with those people.

And heck no, you shouldn't be expected to hang out with guys you know your girlfriend once slept with and be happy about it. It's one thing if she wants to go, but expecting you to is kind of ludicrous.[/QUOTE]

And what if he found out? That might be a source of trouble, no? If you had been hanging out with these people all along and somewhere down the line that comes out? Of course, you've given no reason for your partner to be jealous, but you still might see how they might be upset, right?
[QUOTE=happymom28;3376292]The way I see it is that she is WITH you. My husband is friends with an ex that he slept with. She is the Godmother of our baby. Some people can maintain frienships with their exes and others can't.

You've been with her for 6 months. Have you met these guys? Does she give you any reason (other than her past, of course) to be jealous? Does she hang all over them? Are these friends respectful of your relationship with her?

If they are not in any way a threat to your relationship then you should let it go. However, if she or they act innappropriately towards eachother or disrespectfully towards you then perhaps you could voice your concern. Just be careful "forbidding" her from being their friend or having her choose, you may not like her choice under those circumstances.

Bottom line, talk to her. Not about her past, but your feelings about her still being friends with the guys. See how she feels. If there is nothing to be jealous of perhaps you could try to forge a friendship with them. You may be surprised.[/QUOTE]

Sounds like you are very secure in yourself and your relationship. At the end of the day, this boils down to my own hangups. I just don't know how to get over them. She's great. I love her. But when people say don't worry about it, forget it --- that just doesnt resonate with me.
[QUOTE=holdfasthop;3376255]so are you saying that she has no obligation to insulate our relationship from that kind of garbage? I should just get over it and spend a ski weekend with some guy she slept with? Does that sound reasonable?[/QUOTE]

I have not read your other responses on page 2 yet. Ya know my husband works with an ex-boyfriend of mine that I slept with. My husband knows this and does not care. I have sat and talked with this ex and my husband does not care. Why because I am with my husband. And he knows I am not gonna leave if for some ex.
[QUOTE=holdfasthop;3376303]Sounds like you are very secure in yourself and your relationship. At the end of the day, this boils down to my own hangups. I just don't know how to get over them. She's great. I love her. But when people say don't worry about it, forget it --- that just doesnt resonate with me.[/QUOTE]

When I read this it sounds like you are insecure with yourself and/or your relationship. I guess I just don't get why you are so hung up on her past. That was her past. And like another poster some people are able to be friends with their ex even if it was sexual.
[QUOTE=holdfasthop;3376303]Sounds like you are very secure in yourself and your relationship. At the end of the day, this boils down to my own hangups. I just don't know how to get over them. She's great. I love her. But when people say don't worry about it, forget it --- that just doesnt resonate with me.[/QUOTE]

Believe me, I wasn't always secure about these things. My exhusband cheated on me several times during our marriage and I went into my relationship with my husband with huge trust issues. The thing is, my husband told me about her right away and introduced me the first time she came to town when were dating (about a month in). It took me getting to know her to be okay. That's why I suggest you try actually getting to know that guy. Maybe it is different for men and women, I don't know. But if you love your girlfriend it may be worth it to try.
[QUOyeap double jeopardy not goodTE=WorriednNervous;3376198]This is just my opinion but in a way I think you are judging her. You are bothered and distant with her since she was honest with you about her past. Are you upset she was with 6 people before you or is it because she was with more people then you have been with. And honestly I would be relieved that she is 26 and it was just 6 people and not a whole heck of a lot more.

I don't know if you should tell her it bothers you or not. I don't know her. But chances are she probably knows it bothers you if you have became more distance since this conversation. And I know I would feel judged if my boyfriend had said it bothered him about my past. We have had this conversation a very times (I am married now) but my past and his past is just that the past. What matters now is the future.[/QUOTE]
I can't believe you're hung up over her past . . . 6???? It's not like she said 30. 6 is not a lot at all. Unlike you go find yourself a virgin, you're going to be disappointed, because most woman on average have had more than 6 partners.
[QUOTE=holdfasthop;3376303]Sounds like you are very secure in yourself and your relationship. At the end of the day, this boils down to my own hangups. I just don't know how to get over them. She's great. I love her. But when people say don't worry about it, forget it --- that just doesnt resonate with me.[/QUOTE]

I get where you're coming from on the skiing weekend issue Holdfasthop. There's just no way I'd spend time with anybody my partner has slept with, nor would I expect him to do the same (and if I [I]DID[/I] expect him to do the same he'd tell me where to go in a hurry, I can assure you) Tell her to cop on and have a bit of respect for your feelings. It's fine if some people have no problem with that, but some people do, and that's their right also.

I do think you're going OTT about the number of her past partners though. Six is nothing for a woman in her mid twenties. I know women who get laid by a different man every weekend and lost count a long time ago. I don't regard them in any more derogatory terms than the men who are out doing the same thing themselves every weekend. It's gas how these women are referred to with filthy terminology, but they're out sleeping with MEN - who themselves are employing exactly the same behaviour, yet somehow supposedly haven't done anything to earn the same terms of reference - bizzare, huh?
I think you need to get at the root of WHY it bothers you so much. I do have to agree, in this day and age, only 6 lovers by the age of 26 is very very modest by today's standards. Though there are still some virgins and "good girls" out there. I'm one and I'm 42 for Pete's sake.

But the root of the issue is why. Do some soul searching. Do you have moral or religious problems with premarital sex? Or do you feel that a woman who has had more sexual partners than you as a man is a "loose" woman? I think many people can get turned off by their SO's "number." But there may be something you can do about it, there may not, depending on the reason. I can understand not being thrilled about socializing with some guy who also knows your woman inside and out so to speak, as well as you do. It would be hard not to picture it, not wonder if he's picturing it, or if he's going to try to come back for one more helping for old time's sake, etc. If you just can't seem to get over that, perhaps you can have a talk with her about how you have an issue with socializing with guys she's slept with and would she be opposed to not socializing with those guys. Some may feel that's a lot to ask, but I think perhaps it's worth a try just to feel out the situation. Just ask her how she'd feel about it. If she gets upset, then you'll have to find another way of overcoming this issue you have. But it could also be something that can't be fixed, like you really just don't want a woman with that much of a past. But of course you can't erase the past, so if a woman who views sex so casually as to have one night stands is a deal breaker for you, then you're dealing with a problem that sadly only has one solution - finding another girl whose past is more acceptable to you. [B]BUT[/B] even if you do tell her it bothers you to have to socialize with men who have carnal knowledge of her, [B]DO NOT [/B]tell her the one night stands and the number also actually bother you in and of themselves. There's nothing she can do about it, so why tell her you're bothered by something she can't change? It will only become a sore spot between the two of you.

The bottom line is, is who she is, all the things about her that you love, her trustworthiness included, and what you have together worth accepting her past and the fact that men who have been with her will pop up in her social circle from time to time, or isn't it? Soul search and find the answer to that question.
I think you've got 2 seperate issues here:

1. Number of past partners
2. Socializing with past partners

I'd personally let the past go - she can't change it, it's done. All she can do at this point is be loyal to you. Your relationship with her now is all that really matters.

That being said, the fact that she's going away for weekend trips with her past partners IS affecting your present relationship with her. Like Laylah, there is no way I'd ever go on a trip with a past lover, expect my current partner to be okay with going along or that I'd go on a trip with my current partner and one of his past lovers. To me, that's totally unacceptable. If your gf knows you think it's totally unacceptable but yet still does it then you have a major problem on your hands. Seems like maybe you're just not all that compatible. I'm sure that there are others who, like your gf, would be okay with it. But the point is that you are not. I'd be very bothered if my partner went ahead and did something (like go on the ski trip) in the full knowledge that I was NOT at all okay with it. Doesn't show a lot of respect for your feelings in my opinion.
I agree that it's a good idea to separate the issues. Six partners is not that many, and even if it was sixty, what can she do about that now? Do you love who she is in the present? Because all of the experiences she's had in her life, all the bf's, one-night stands, mistakes and successes in all areas of her life are what make her who she is.

Regarding the ski weekend, I think you're spiting yourself. Why not just go and see how you feel? What are the real feelings that make you uncomfortable? Is it because this other guy viewed your gf as only worthy of a one-night stand? Is it a territorial issue?

People manage to have friendships with ex-lovers, ex-wives/husbands, ex-one night stands, all the time. I think once you start setting limits on who is okay to hang out with and who is not, you are on your way down a slippery slope. Be glad she is honest with you. If you can't get past it, then there's nothing wrong with looking for someone who shares similar views. I guess you just have to decide whether it's a dealbreaker or not.
this is EXACTLY why people shouldn't discuss past sexual history or divulge numbers......and 6 partners by her age is nothing......
I had more than that in high school. If you can't get over this, move on and let the poor girl find another boyfriend who won't judge her on her past.
:angel:
It may be that he is not judging her past.....are you? I would certainly understand his not wanting to hang out with other partners. That he can be upfront with his GF about.....I think each one of us is different and if you are uncomfortble hanging out with ex boyfriends/casual sex partners, then so be it. You don't have to do that.....it is your choice.
I wouldn't flat out tell her that you're bothered.. but if she does ask you why the sudden change in behavior.. then be honest about your feelings. It may sting, but the truth isn't always painless, right? And it would be worse for you both in the long run if you bottle this up. If you do tell her, try to word it as least judgemental as possible.

I do believe that this is an issue with you, not her... as you probably already know. In a way you've judged her (her decisions at least) even if you didn't wan't to. You disrespect "that girl" who can have a one night stand. And I don't blame you.. sometimes its viewed as careless fun, other times its viewed as s***y. You thought she had different standards or more respect for herself not to have been one of "those girls."

You have to remember that everyone makes bad choices, mistakes, experiments... whatever. You've made your share, I'm sure. Also, a person at 15, 17, 21.. are different than at 25, 30, 45. Would you make some of the same choices now that you did when you were 18?? Probably not.

Unless she has given you a reason to not trust her, then why are you threatened by her male friends, just because she's been intimate with them? We cannot control our emotions, so you can't help that you're jealous, insecure or threated by her phyiscal relationship with these guys. Being a girl myself who is friends with guys i've kissed, or been more physical with.. I can tell you that you have no reason to worry. Do you think that she compares you to these guys? Do you compare her to girls you've been with? Do you think these guys think they still have a chance with her? Have you ever had a one night stand?

If you're secure with yourself, the relationship and if you trust her then any other guy in the room, whether she's slept with them or not, shouldn't both you. She's with you. My boyfriend's been around guys he knows I've dated and am still friends with.. just as I've been around girls I know he was physical with in the past. Am I bothered? Not anymore. The first few months of the relationship I was.. when I was still unsure of how we felt of eachother and where the relationship was going. But eventually I realized that I was being silly, jealous and insecure. We've been together almost 2 years now and those past girlfriends are no longer any kind of issue. I got over my hang ups.

Really this is something that you are either going to have to come to terms with and get over.. or it will eat you up and you'll have to leave her. She is the same girl that you started dating. She was honest about some choices that she made years ago. People grow up and learn from their mistakes. You don't have to like those things, but they shouldn't be more important than your feelings for her.
Well said, all around Jen. You've articulated several of things I was feeling, but maybe I didn't realize I was feeling. Yes, I guess am I judging her for being one of "those girls." And while it makes sense that people make mistakes and learn from them (certainly I have), I guess the fact that I've never had a one night stand makes it mysterious to me...Maybe I'm afraid that it was more exciting and passionate than what we have? She was actually quite conservative with me, so sometimes I wonder - was it because I was less irresistable? Does she not have the raw attraction to me that she did with them? The fact is, that might be true and still be okay - it's just a very hard thing to think about.

In any case, you're right. This is about ME. This is about MY self-image. If I WAS secure with myself, I wouldnt feel threatened because I would be confident that I gave her everything she needed. And I suppose that's the problem, I'm just not. I think I put on a pretty good show, but at the end of the day, I am probably afraid that she's comparing me, or that she's looking back fondly on those memories and it's terrible - sometimes I can't get these images out of my mind.
i suppose that the cultural norm is that the guy is supposed to be with more sexual partners than the girl. so maybe your not feeling so manly? but times are a changin as usual. everyone is different. and people sometimes use sex in different ways, when with or without love. i can see you being irked about her still being in contact with some of those guys, but it is in the past, and that is where you should keep it. unless you had a reason to believe something was going on in the present. i'm like you, i can't really hide my feelings. they show in my actions or in my face. so what i end up doing is just being completely upfront and honest most of the time, because i don't feel like dealing with that discomfort. i feel like its a whole other issue that you are feeling ashamed of her actions. i think maybe you feel threatened by the amount? like perhaps maybe that you are just one number on her list. but you need to focus on what you have now in the present. and you have been together for almost half a year. if things are going well i think you should keep it that way and not let your insecurity get in the way? :)
[QUOTE=holdfasthop;3379341]Well said, all around Jen. You've articulated several of things I was feeling, but maybe I didn't realize I was feeling. Yes, I guess am I judging her for being one of "those girls." And while it makes sense that people make mistakes and learn from them (certainly I have), I guess the fact that I've never had a one night stand makes it mysterious to me...Maybe I'm afraid that it was more exciting and passionate than what we have? She was actually quite conservative with me, so sometimes I wonder - was it because I was less irresistable? Does she not have the raw attraction to me that she did with them? The fact is, that might be true and still be okay - it's just a very hard thing to think about.

In any case, you're right. This is about ME. This is about MY self-image. If I WAS secure with myself, I wouldnt feel threatened because I would be confident that I gave her everything she needed. And I suppose that's the problem, I'm just not. I think I put on a pretty good show, but at the end of the day, I am probably afraid that she's comparing me, or that she's looking back fondly on those memories and it's terrible - sometimes I can't get these images out of my mind.[/QUOTE]

I think everything you've said in this post is something that everyone who has even been in any relationship has felt, especially in those beginning months.

A person could drive themselves crazy trying to analyze another person's thoughts and actions! As hard as it may be, you need to try to put her past right where it belongs.. in the past! If she wasn't into you, then she wouldn't be with you..her past has nothing to do with that. Don't get me wrong.. it's natural to wonder.. you think she's comparing you.. but really you're the one comparing yourself to her past partners. I think it's something that everyone does. But like i said, she is with you and for many reasons. Focus on that.. not the other.

I can understand how one night stands are viewed negatively.. but you know what.. sometimes things just happen, we don't plan for them, we just go with the flow and it happens. Sometimes you wake up the next day and regret it, other days you brush it off as no big deal. Maybe this is part of my growing up experience and not the "norm".. but it wasn't uncommon for two friends to get a little drunk and make out, sometimes more. Is that ok.. not necessarily. But it happens.

So where do you go from here? I think you need to tell yourself daily that your girlfriend is with you b/c she cares about you, because you treat her right, because she sees something in you that she doesn't see in another guy. The security in the relationship will come soon, if it hasn't yet. I know for me, I was with my current boyfriend for about 8 months before my trust, insecurity and jealousy issues were just a dwindling rain cloud in the back of my mind.

Also, to agree with another poster.. i think it helped me to meet my boyfriends ex's that he's still friends with. Without meeting them my imagination was filling in all sorts of horrible blanks for me. Meeting a few of them (the ones he still talks to anyway) really helped put things in perspective and show me how silly I am sometimes!

Sorry for the rambling.. hope something in there was helpful!!
[QUOTE=holdfasthop;3376193]I am 29 years old and have been in a relationship with my girlfriend of 26 for about 6 months. I have had several serious relationships in the past.
[/QUOTE]

So, what happened to those other serious relationships? Did you have the same issues with them about past partners or were they all virgins and you just ruined them for the rest of us dirty old men? LOL :)

[QUOTE=holdfasthop;3376193]
Recently, we shared some very topical information about our sexual history, and she revealed to me that she had been with 6 other people before me, far more than she had eluded to in the past - several in a very casual manner.
[/QUOTE]

You've had this conversation with her in the past and you couldn't leave it alone could you? Come on... no one shares past experiences with their partners without passing judgement, be it to just accept it or make it a big issue in their relationship. Why else would anyone bring it up? You're not playing Scrabble and coming up with just words.

[QUOTE=holdfasthop;3376193]
I know "the past is the past" and I should leave it alone, but the truth is, it bothers me that she's been with that many people before me (more than I have) - several of which she maintains contact with.
[/QUOTE]

Maintaning contact or not, with past partners has a lot to do with the level of RESPECT they have for each other... and the SELF RESPECT they have for themselves. Really!

[QUOTE=holdfasthop;3376193]
I realize that this is largely my problem to get over - everyone has a past. My question is this: Should I tell her I'm bothered? I feel myself being distant, and I know she feels it too...I just don't want her to feel I am judging her.
[/QUOTE]


You can tell her but what is the objective you want to achieve with this. You can't change her past experiences with men. Is this more for your own benefit? I think so.


[QUOTE=holdfasthop;3376193]
For some reason, I am ashamed of what she's done (one-night stands), and I just don't know where those feelings are coming from.....Should I tell her?[/QUOTE]

I don't want to say that is your problem. It sounds too much like a criticism, but it is an issue that you have to deal with one way or the other. You just seem to be more conservative in how you value relationships. There is nothing wrong with that... unless it bothers you and you can't get over it.
So what do you do? .... only you can figure that out.

Hoop





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