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Re: Confused!
Jan 16, 2008
Yeah, it sounds like you're treating him like one of your girlfriends instead of your boyfriend. Men want women who are steely, rock solid and who have it all together. They don't want to hear about our worries or fears or concerns or what we feel is lacking in us that we want to change or fix. We are the ones they are supposed to come to with their fears and worries. That's the same mistake I made with my relationship. I treated him like a girlfriend and confided all my fears and worries about the future and such to him, and it made him nervous, like he was buying a lemon. Who wants to buy a lemon? He ended up marrying a woman who by all accounts described to me as "strong willed, take charge, commanding, takes care of things." I think that's what most men want. A good, strong willed, rock solid emotionally steely, confident woman who makes it easier for him to live his life and helps him with his problems, who can help bring home the bacon, but without interrupting his schedule, have dinner waiting, have the kids bathed and bedded, the check book balanced and the bills paid, so all he has to do is go to work and come home and relax. He doesn't want a woman who's just another project or another problem for him to fix. There was even a book about it called "The Surrendered Wife" and the author claimed to have conducted extensive research and found these are the happiest, longest lasting marriages. I think she went a bit overboard in her theories, but I don't think any man really wants a woman who's contantly looking to him to pump her up or validate her.

Don't talk to him anymore about what you want to change or what you don't like about yourself. It just makes him feel like he got a "bad deal" in you, makes him feel like you're too much of a fixer-upper. Always present a strong, confident front to him. Worries, insecurities, that stuff is what girlfriends are for. In order to get respect, you must behave in a manner that commands respect. Unfortunately, he may have already pigeon holed you as someone who deserves to be treated in a certain way and will never change. I had a friend, well he really wasn't my friend, he was my boyfriend's roommate at the time, and he treated me with a great deal of disrespect. I reconnected with him several years later after I had gone off and gotten stronger and more secure, and I thought if I treated myself with more respect he'd treat me with more respect. Nope. Same old guy, who saw me as the same old girl, no matter how I behaved.

I would suggest a little more mystery. He doesn't need to know about all your problems, worries, fears, etc. You've got to love him like you're not afraid to lose him, and you've got to show him that you're not afraid to lose him. I mean, really, if he treats you with disrespect, how much of a prize could he be anyway? A good, strong, healthy relationship makes you feel stronger and more confident because of it, not struggling to hang onto your pride and self esteem in SPITE of it.

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