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Relationship Health Message Board


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[QUOTE=apple_juice;3395924]
update- I just came across one of his friend's birthday group on facebook. he is attending. and making lots of joke on the wall. i thought i wasn't able to view this sort of thing if he is blocked?
i am very upset. i dont know why. just seeing it.
why am i still like this? :( why can it still almost reduce me to tears?[/QUOTE]

LIke I said, don't beat yourself up so much for not sailing along like everything's fine. If you're hurting, I think it's ok to acknowledge that rather than repress it. That doesn't mean you wallow in it, just acknowledge it. You've suffered a loss, and it's ok to mourn that loss for a bit.

I do know where you're coming from. The relationship, if you can call it that, that I was in was unhealthy, but in many ways, it was the most wonderful, happy, most alive time of my life. When it was good, it was very good. And I'm not one who really believes that a man is supposed to be an island unto himself and be totally happy with that. I've gathered a stack of research about6 inches thick about how companionship, emotional intimacy, meaningful touch are not just nice to have, not just beneficial, but ESSENTIAL to real peace and emotional and mental health. How women in healthy, happy marriages are far healthier and happier and live longer than single women or women in stressed, unhappy marriages. But I didn't need any survey or study to tell me that. I tend to be unusually sensitive and as a result I'm a little more tuned into my feelings and emotions than the average joe, I think. I remember going over to my ex's house after a hard, stressful day at work, and after just 10 minutes of cuddling on the couch with him watching the news, I could FEEL the seretonin rushing in and cortisol dissolving in my system. I felt warm, fuzzy, serene, at peace, and all the stress of the day melted out of my body. I have never, ever been able to achieve this feeling without the meaningful touch of someone that meant something to me. During that period I was with him, when it was good, I felt healthy, happy, my hair, which had begun thinning at 19, got noticably thicker. My shrink even told me, and I agree with her, that nothing you can do with your live as a single person beats having a healthy, happy, loving relationship with a trustworthy companion. So my treatment and work with her was not about trying to find something that made me feel as good as being in love, because there is nothing that good. But rather, building a satisfactory life without it. Sort of like someone with an illness or a disability. Of course life is much better if you're healthy and able, but if you're not, you have to make the best of what you do have.

I'm not going to blow smoke up your skirt and tell you single life is as good as having the healthy, loyal, faithful love of a trustworthy companion, because nothing else IS that good, let's be honest. BUT....in mourning the end of this relationship with this guy, you have to realize that that's NOT what you had. This guy was NOT healthy, he was not loyal, he was not faithful, he did not have true love, and he was not trustworthy. Accepting that you are mourning the loss of a dream, a hope, not the loss of the actual MAN, is the first step, I think, to moving ahead to the future, where something real is definitely waiting, whether it's with someone, or whether it's something you create on your own, it will be real, true, and on YOUR terms, and that's WWAAYYYYYYYY better than anything you had with this guy. Remember, it's not really the man you're missing, but the dream he represented, and dreams can always be rebuilt.





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