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I hope I haven't been away so long that the people who posted to my problems don't remember me.
This is what's happening. The latest bad (or possibly good news) is that my husband's co worker is moving right down the street from us. So instead of being 2 miles down the highway, she'll be 5 lots away. I say this may be good because if anything has ever gone on between them in the past, this will open a Pandora's box of opportunity for them & they may be easier to catch. My husband is still swearing on everything imaginable that he has NEVER had an inappropriate conversation with her or any other female he has ever worked with or that he's never touched her or anyone else in an inappropriate manner. When I remind him of the time she sat on his lap he gets defensive & angry & tells me that he has apologized for that already. I told him that he still can't say NEVER when that DID happen. All of my other posts about seeing him waiting by a road while he was out for his walk, his sneakiness about things, etc.. he claims just DID NOT happen the way I saw them. We went to a marriage counselor who turned out to be an air head so now I've made another appointment with one for Thursday.
I'm still seeing my therapist & she is trying to work with me on the changes that I need from him to make our marriage a good one. My husband thinks I'm just trying to make trouble from nothing & he feels our marriage is a very good one already. One thing that is bothering me-This woman is moving in on Friday afternoon. When I heard that she had bought a house just down the street from us I told my husband that I hoped he wouldn't be helping her move in given my suspicions about their relationship. He gave me a dirty look but didn't say a word. So, a few weeks later I told him that if he felt he had to help her, I'd be there every step of the way even if I hurt so bad that I had to take the strongest pain meds I could find. I have Fibromyalgia & a really painful knee after a TKR so I would hope he'd care about me more than her. She told my hubby that she's having a "moving in" party Friday night & we were welcome to come. Then I had emailed her a covenant from our development & she emailed me back saying that the people from her work were helping her move in on Friday afternoon but if I preferred, we could get together to avoid the crowd some other time. HUH???? I asked my hubby if he had ever told her that I don't like crowds or being around all the people that he worked with & of course he said, "No", I don't even hardly talk to her. I told my husband that it sounds like he's off the hook to help her move because she said she was moving in on Friday afternoon & he has been coming home from work no earlier than 5:30 most Fridays. He just looked at me again, no comment. Maybe I'm wrong to read this into things but if he plans on taking the afternoon off to help her & he knows that I will force myself to help even at the expense of my health, his family priorities are not where they belong. Am I way off base on this?
In the past when I brought up my suspicions, my husband told me that he'd quit his job if that's what I wanted. I told him that wouldn't solve a thing because I felt that he got to close to female workers before & if he didn't try to understand what's unnaceptable to me, he'd do it again at any other job. He told me that he'd tell the truth when he quit by saying that he had to because I was suspicious of him fooling around at work. So, last week he talked to the HR guy at work & said he's looking for another job. He told me that he said it was because of the un organization of the company & that he was bringing the stress home to me. I wonder what he really said?
All of our married life if something doesn't go right & if I had anything to do with the planning of the situation, it was always my fault. My therapist says that he has used me as a scape goat for a long time & it's going to be next to impossible for him to see that & correct the behavior.
Now to top it all off, the total knee replacement that I had 2 years ago may be infected or loose & I may need a revision surgery. He has been telling me that the pain is all my fault because I wouldn't follow doctor's suggestions & he's given me no sympathy for the past year. Now I asked him if he feels the least little bit sorry for giving me so much crap about bringing the pain on myself & he said, "No. You didn't do the warm water aerobics like the doctor suggested or walk, so why should I feel sorry for you?" I told him that the pain isn't there because of anything I had or hadn't done & that I'd hoped he would apologize for not caring. He said that we haven't found out yet why I got the infection or loosening so it could still be something I did.
This is how our lives are going, if I don't mention my feelings about how he's treated me or anything about me being suspicious of his past relationships with female co workers, we get a long OK. We get in spats when he gets irritated at me for forgetting things that "TELLS" me to do & last week I told him I wanted a separation. He vetoed that by telling me it's too risky of a step. He said that we may find out we like living apart. He also eluded to he may sow some wild oats while he was away. I asked him if we could have an agreement to not have any intimate relationships outside of our marriage. He said that it's pretty inconsiderate of me to make that a rule without talking to him first. I told him that I was talking to him about it right then! He opened up a bit more that week so we didn't separate.
One thing my therapist advised me to ask my husband was to please tell me any of the conversations that he had with this "other" woman or any emails to share them with me. He got mad at me because he said that he never had a damn affair with her so there's nothing going on to keep me informed. All that week I would ask him if they had talked & he told me that he never talked to her. Then the day I asked him for a separation, he told me that he was glad that I didn't drive out to his work on Friday night because he was left alone in the building with her & didn't even know if until he came downstairs to leave. He said then he had about a 3 minute conversation with her about her boyfriend coming to town the next day & that was it. I asked him why he hadn't told me that on Friday night & he said because we had gotten into another spat. I told him that the spat was over me asking him if he had talked to her lately. He is such a confusing man, it's driving me nutzo!





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