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Relationship Health Message Board

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Hi, I am new here too, but I just wanted to respond to you. My ex- husband cheated on me at least 3 times during our marriage. Even when he was caught by a friend red-handed, he'd lie and say that so and so was exaggerating. Then I caught him with a woman who was supposed to be my bestfriend and I thought I was going to lose my mind.
I was so confused and hurt and angry I didn't know who to turn to. I just didn't think I could trust anyone anymore. In my heart I knew I should leave him but with 3 small boys, I decided to fight for our marriage and I managed to get him back. I guess he and I should have got counseling because inside I was deeply hurt and still was enraged at him. This hurt and betrayal led to me having an affair.
At first it was just revenge but I soon started to have feeling for this man, and I took the kids and left my husband. It was awful and horrible and I regret to this day that I hurt so many people ( myself included) by having an affair. I do not regret the divorce but I did it wrong. I should have just left and got thru it on my own, but having someone 's shoulder to cry on and knowing for sure that someone wanted me was a very powerful feeling. I guess my self esteem was very low by 3 ego shattering affairs that this person whom I had been with since I was 15 years old was just more than I could handle. Needless to say that my affair didn't turn into a fairytale ending.
My point is this: Having an affair is selfish and immature and yeah it will hurt your husband as much or more than he hurt you, buy in the end it will hurt you more. If you can work it out great. But make sure you guy's get all the anger out of the way so you can truly start again. There are many places you can go to get counseling, like a church or community center, or a therapist. because truly bringing another person into it wont resolve your hurt.
Please don't think I am being preachy cause I don't intend that. I am just saying that short term an affair is like a bandaid on a gaping wounded heart. It doesn't last long and it doesn't solve deep issues of trust or abandonment, or that feeling of having the rug pulled out from under you. I know you have to be hurting still and I wish you all the best. If you want to talk more let me know. I am usually at the back boards but have been popping over here to visit a new friend. Again best of luck, Dee

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