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Relationship Health Message Board


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Hello,

I am 21 years old and I have been dating a girl for a little over 2 years now. We have a good relationship and we are slowing building it with the possibility of an engagement maybe in 6-12 months. I get along very well with her family, especially her father. Her Mom likes me and is good to me, she when I am over usually, and she knows I am a picky eater so she is always thoughtful in that manner. She buys me clothes occasionally, makes me sweet tea, etc.

Despite the good things that my girlfriend’s Mom does for me, she has really been bothering me lately, even though it’s been an ongoing situation. I really do not know where to start but one of the main issues I have is that my girlfriend is also 21 years old and she lives at home. A lot of the time, her Mom does not treat her like she is 21, she does not give proper respect to her, she does not give her hardly any personal space or privacy, when she is frustrated about something she often takes it out on my girlfriend and my girlfriend is intimidated by her so she never can stand up for herself (in a respectful manner).

Don’t get me wrong, she is a good Mom and I know she loves her kids but I don’t agree with her actions when she acts like this and it’s hard for me to sit back and keep my mouth shut. I have made comments here and there in the past to her but I have never done anything about it in a serious manner. But lately it’s really been eating at me and I have pretty much decided I want to do something, but am I not sure what.

So you might be wondering have I tried talking with my girlfriend’s Dad. In general, we have both vented in a lot in the past about her Mom. She is really irritable around her Dad, she always gets defensive and snappy when he asks or says just about anything. She can be very demanding at times and calls people in the room to hand her something that she is closer to. So my girlfriend’s Dad knows how her Mom is and he has admitted that she needs help. He told me once that he has gotten mad a few times and spoke up but my girlfriend’s Mom went from anger to tears and threatened suicide. Which to me seems like an attempt to scare people so she can escape criticism? So anyways he is basically taking the “give it time approach.” But my Mom seems to have intense emotional situations such as my girlfriend’s Mom and the one thing that I have learned is that time isn’t helping. It just seems like the only thing that improves is our stamina in dealing with their mood swings. I am not trying to be insensitive, but it gets flat out frustrating after dealing with it for so long.

So I am not exactly sure what’s wrong with her…whether it’s hormonal imbalance, or some psychological issue or what. I know for a fact she is obsessive compulsive about many things and it drives me up the wall. She has mood swings, some days she can be in a really good mood and really nice (even though she still acts in obsessive compulsive manners about certain things). Then other days she is cranky and complaining about every little thing and taking it out on others. So also acts depressed sometimes….”I never have anything to do”…”Ya’ll never want to go anywhere when I want to” etc

My options right now are A. talk to my girlfriend’s Dad this weekend and tell him I am getting to the end of the rope, and see if he might step in to help. B. email her Mom and explain things and basically say that I am not coming over again until we all sit down and have a discussion and she and/or us go to counseling. C. keep being patient and speak up (which would probably be in an angered tone because I keep things to myself and let it all out eventually) the next time she does something such as yell at my girlfriend for no practical reason. D. somehow try to make it until I can propose 6-12 months from now, but I don’t think it would work because it would be atleast 1.5-2 years before we could marry and my girlfriend move out. Or E. break up with my girlfriend to really make it hit home to her Mom, and maybe it would help my girlfriend be encouraged to get more independent. I really don’t won’t to break up with her because she hasn’t done anything wrong. It would devastate her.


I feel like any of these options are still going to cause problems. If I or her Dad approach her about it, she is going to get highly upset most likely and use the “everyone is against me defense.” If I decide to not say anything and just wait it out, that means more unfair stuff that my girlfriend (and everyone else) has to endure. I feel like this stuff hurts my girlfriend individuality and could possible effect our marriage if she does not start getting some respect and privacy from her Mom.

Please give me your advice. What would you do? Have you experienced a similar situation? Will time really help? What is really wrong with her Mom?

Thank You,
Bob





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