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[QUOTE=Larrylou'smom;3424175]You can't bully someone into caring for you.

You simply need to stop pouring your energy into hoping he will become someone else[/QUOTE]

Hi Larry :wave:
I'm not bullying him into caring for me.And I don't want him to be someone else. By no means. He wouldn't be the person that I love. I just get angry at how he could be scared of me, how he uses that as an excuse for not contacting me.I get angry and frustrated at what he says- thats a reaction, not bullying. I know I cannot make him love me.
But I keep wondering, if I talked to him, would it make a difference.
If we just got going before he left, I still believe we would have been happy.
You shouldn't have to convince someone to be with you, but I was trying my best to let him see that he could have faith, that past issues were no longer a problem and he shouldn't be scared and just to give it time.
As I said before, I didn't blame him for not having faith, I wanted to give him time.
He even said in that email before he left, his fears, and I know we could have worked on that.
I just wanted to talk to him. I want to break that barrier, I want to tell him I love him, I want him, and that we can make everything right.
I just wish, instead of getting angry and closing the conversation, I should have asked him if we could have talked about why he is afraid of me, to tell him that the door is still open for him. Open for dialogue and to work on things. But I was not in the right state of mind on Thursday. I was emotional and scared, and ended the conversation.
I worked so hard on us before he left, and we argued like mad, and he probably no doubt wanted to move on whilst on holiday- why not, it was the trip of alifetime.
I wonder how to put things right and I hate myself for it because we finished such a long time ago, and I should be over it all, but I am not. I can't do all this. And he obviously wants to get over this.
He had months to go over this, and this is obviously his choice, isn't it? He must be happy and satisified with this. I just wish he said all this before he left. I let him go, and he didn't come back to me.
I CAN'T bring this up to talk to him about, but at the same time, I am failing to push this to the back of my mind.
[QUOTE=apple_juice;342***4]Hi Larry :wave:
I'm not bullying him into caring for me.And I don't want him to be someone how he could be scared of me, how he uses that as an excuse for not contacting me.I get angry and frustrated at what he says- thats a reaction, not bullying. I know I cannot make him love me..[/QUOTE]

Again, AJ, with all love and respect, I don't think you're really being honest with yourself. Getting angry with someone, yelling at them, losing your temper, hanging up on them, etc. because they didn't give you the answer you wanted or didn't say what you hoped they would, that IS in fact a form of bullying. Most people who are this unhappy with how they get treated by someone would have broken off all contact long before now. Look, you may get mad at it, but the fact remains, he's afraid of you, and whether it's an excuse or not, that's his choice, that's how he feels, and you will NEVER be able to change that, no matter how many times you contact him, text him, no matter what you say or do, that is how he has chosen to see the situation, and there's nothing you can to do change that. You really need to start wrapping your mind around that. You say you know you cannot make him love you. If you truly KNOW that, then why do you keep trying to make him love you????


[QUOTE=apple_juice;342***4]But I keep wondering, if I talked to him, would it make a difference.
If we just got going before he left, I still believe we would have been happy.
You shouldn't have to convince someone to be with you, but I was trying my best to let him see that he could have faith, that past issues were no longer a problem and he shouldn't be scared and just to give it time..[/QUOTE]

No, it wouldn't have made a difference. I totally understand that you don't want it to be over, and how hard it can be to let go when you still love someone and they've walked away, but you're hanging on to false hope by telling yourself there's someway you can still fix this, when the truth is it crashed and burned down to the ground beyond all repair a long time ago. the longer you put off dealing with that, the harder it will be.


[QUOTE=apple_juice;342***4]I just wanted to talk to him. I want to break else. By no means. He wouldn't be the person that I love. I just get angry at that barrier, I want to tell him I love him, I want him, and that we can make everything right. .[/QUOTE]

He knows by now that you love him, that you want him, believe me, he knows. He just doesn't care anymore. I don't want to sound harsh, but I'm just calling it as I see it plain with no sugarcoating so you can starting seeing what all of us are seeing. The thing is, it takes two to make things right. He doesn't want to, and you can't make him want to. He's already made up his mind and there's nothing you can do to unmake it.

[QUOTE=apple_juice;342***4]I just wish, instead of getting angry and closing the conversation, I should have asked him if we could have talked about why he is afraid of me, to tell him that the door is still open for him. Open for dialogue and to work on things. But I was not in the right state of mind on Thursday. I was emotional and scared, and ended the conversation..[/QUOTE]

I know this is a hard thing to deal with. For years I lived with a lot of shoulda woulda coulda's, if I'd only said this, if only I hadn't said that, etc. But it's done. It's all in the past and the damage is done and you can't go back in time and change it. The truth is, it never is just one thing you said or didn't say, did or didn't do. If you both had had the tools and the knowledge and the will to have fixed it, you would have.

[QUOTE=apple_juice;342***4]I wonder how to put things right and I hate myself for it because we finished such a long time ago, and I should be over it all, but I am not. I can't do all this. And he obviously wants to get over this.

I CAN'T bring this up to talk to him about, but at the same time, I am failing to push this to the back of my mind.[/QUOTE]

You need to stop wondering how to set things right. You just need to stop. I'm not going to tell you to just "get over it," because it is possible you never will. I know I never did. I will love my ex, probably till the day I die, and I will always be sad that we didn't work. It's got to be the hardest thing in the world to still love someone who left you behind long ago. But sometimes it can't be helped. I've tried everything I can think of, everything anyone I've ever talked to about it could think of, and the love I feel for him, the longing and the missing him I feel just won't go away. It's something I have to just live with. Hard, yes, painful, yes, but there it is. The best I can do is to not make it his problem. Yes, a part of me is still a little mad because I still feel I deserved a better deal than what I got from him. I deserved a better goodbye than the one he gave me. But I could spend the rest of my life calling him, emailing him, interrupting his happy life with his wonderful wife and step kids, trying to get something from him he never saw fit to give, but what good would that do? IT wouldn't do anyone any good. I made a bad choice. I gave my heart to the wrong person. And the consequences of that are mine to live with, and mine alone.

It may be a long long time before you can put this in the back of your mind, if ever. I know it's always in the fron to fmy mind. Not one single day goes by that I don't think of my ex and miss the good times we had, and not one week goes by that I don't lay down and have a gut wrenching two hour cry over it all. But I can't expect him to do anything about it. The fact is, life is harsh, people are harsh, unfair, selfish, and they will hurt you if you let them. You can't live your life waiting for the world to make amends to you. You'll be waiting forever. He will never see things your way, no matter what you say or do, no matter how much or how long you plead your case. In fact, every time you call or contact him, it probably just reinforces what he already thinks of you. He's probably wondering why you can't just let it drop and leave him alone. I'm sorry it hurts so much, trust me I know just how much it hurts, like no other hurt in the world. But obviously calling him and trying extract a different response from him other than the one you ALWAYS get isn't working. It's time for you to try something else, something that involves moving forward, moving away from him, from your time with him, and from all this drama. Something that moves you forward, not backwards.
[QUOTE=happymom28;3427886]I suggest you do your best not to think about what your ex is saying, thinking, doing, etc.. This is what is making every other aspect of your life so chaotic. Eliminate the #1 stress factor and everything else will run smoothly.[COLOR="DarkRed"]Thanks happymom. Yes, I am trying hard to forget my ex. I don't think about him 24/7, I do get on with my life and often only think of him when I am back in my room after a day of studying/ working/ going out with friends etc. My thoughts are majority of the time elsewhere. But that isn't the problem. Sometimes, less frequently now, when I do think about him, altho it being less, can still involve really intense emotions. Hopefully, with time, now that I cannot stand even thinking about him, I will be able to push myself forward.
I think the main reason why I have been all over the place over the last couple of days is because of that counselling session along with PMS and the awful amount of work I have. Ill get through it, it just isn't going to be easy.[/COLOR]

I'm sure you can catch up on your work if you are not disecting every text and call from him. You NEED to put the energy you are wasting on him into these more important things.

As far as the editor goes, are you sure quitting is the best route? I'm sure a recommendation from your editor will be very helpful to your future. You have to remember you are not always going to like or get along with your superiors. But I have to ask, are you sure that he/she doesn't sense all the personal troubles you are having and see it affecting your work on the paper? [COLOR="darkred"]No, my articles are always of high quality. Very high quality. My ex has not affected my newspaper articles in the slightest. The problem is that I am a volunteer, we are all volunteers at the paper apart from the editor. I have to fit in the newspaper work in with my degree and at times I find it very difficult because I do need to put my degree first and sometimes this delays my articles getting through to her, but it is nothing serious at all- I still have plenty of time to edit, go over thinngs and do my layout with extra time. And when I leave her to do my layout, she really messes it up. She has accused me of very unfair and incorrect things- honestly, I know you don't always get along with co-workers, I work part time, I know all this, but she is very unfair. Very unfair. I don't understand why because I am one of her best writers. She lacks social skills and is lying- shes not very good. And I find this very frustrating. [/COLOR] I'm not trying to be judgemental AJ, I'm only trying to help here. [COLOR="darkred"]I know :) thank you[/COLOR] I don't want to see you quit something you worked so hard for because of the indirect stress of your ex.

Do you see what I mean about giving him too much power? Look at how he is affecting every aspect of your life. How is that fair to you? You are the only one who can put a stop to it. If you don't you are going to wake up one day and realize that all of these great opportunities passed you by while you were dwelling on things that really are insignificant in the long run.[COLOR="darkred"]Thanks for replying happymom. good to have someone to talk to and receive good advice from a good friend- because that is what you are to me now :) thanks[/COLOR][/QUOTE]
[QUOTE=happymom28;3427990]I'm glad I can help AJ.

Believe me, I know all about not getting along with coworkers. I actually walked out of my job today after only being there for 4 weeks! With me moving I was leaving the end of the month anyway, but they expected me to put up with things that NOBODY in my position should have to. So yes, I do understand that sometimes you have to do what is best for you.

I know you will get there eventually. I think we have all been in your shoes at one time or another. You will get through this. Every time you get the urge to call/text/email him you come on here and tell me and I will give you a swift kick in the pants. That's something I really wish others did for me in the past. :D[/QUOTE]


Hi Happymom.
Well, haha, I have calmed down since I last posted! :jester:
Work is going well, better than it was yesterday, and things are also going well with my editor. But still, lots and lots of work to do :( It is really, really stressful.:(
And that in turn isn't really helping with me trying to move on as best as I can. Stress just makes the negative emotions worse.

I replied to his last message. I know you didn't want me to happymom, but I had to. And I am ok.
I replied saying: "You're always going to call, aren't you? Funny that. Or maybe not anymore especially considering you have ignored me numerous times. Honestly, how many more times can we send each other the same set of messages? Obviously we aren't bored enough yet. But I am now. You take care."

Haven't received a call or a message.

Hopefully that'll be it.

I'm feeling REALLY gutted and I am quite disgusted at myself for letting this drag on as much as it has done. We started having huge problems last May....it has been so long.
I can now see how much I wasted on someone who really didn't care in the slightest. It it very painful for me.
I seriously need to start moving on soon.
I am being really hard on myself, I know it takes a long time to get over someone, but I want to be over it NOW not tomorrow or a few weeks, months or years :(
I don't want him having this effect on me anymore. It is just getting too much. I want to have clear head without any tension for a week. That would be so great.
I just need to give it time. I wish I can fast forward to the next six months in my life.
All our friends who are in relationships are still with their partners. I look at them and realise we are the only ones who broke. I know this doesn't mean anything and I shouldn't look at things that way, but I am getting very lonely these days. More than ever, I crave someone to make love to, someone to hold, someone to look at, feel love and feel good....Not rejection and humiliation.
But dating and relationships will be off the cards for a long time yet. I am struggling with work, newspaper, uni etc as it is. I ahve no time, nor the courage to start anything with a man, yet I crave the old times of when I was in love and happier so so so much.
I just need to give it time, right? I just need to ride it out. I need to accept that- things don't change over night. It is a very slow and gradual process, right?
Jeez, thanks for the support. Didn't realise there was a time line. I'm pretty frustrated as you could tell from my previous post as to why this is continuing so long.

I know it is over. I really want to move on.
I am very frustrated I still feel this way. I don't want to have any emotion towards him at all. But I just feel so sad, angry, frustrated and very stupid.I don't want to ride this out anymore.
I couldn't let him go before he went away and I still clung on stupidly. I really believed him when he said we could give things another go when he returned. I thought at least we could have talked about it. I mean, the last time we had a break, he came back. He isn't coming back now. He couldn't care less. Even when I made contact, he wasn't sorry. But at least I knew deep down myself.
I'm trying to plan ahead, I'm tryig to keep busy. But waking up in the morning, lying in bed, realising how lonely I am (I have a friend stay over most nights, still feel lonely), plannig for the future, trying to do fun things, moved out etc etc. Basically, all of what I did during the past break up. But it isn't getting any better. I keep thinking back to the last time I was getting over him. It took me months, the only difference was that I saw him with anoher girl and that pushed me forward.
I'm still feeling so incredibly foolish, I feel like a mug, I can't believe what I let myself do. And all these feelings, and he feels nothing. Whilst I stayed behind, he went off to travel the world without a single thought about me. Damn, that hurts. My fault I should have started to move on, but I couldn't.
Maybe I am still going through the acceptance and riding it out before I start to really get over it like last time. But I tell you, I just don't want to go through with this anymore.
yes, I did contact him two weeks ago, but I had to do that for myself to understand it was over before it just wasn't sinking in. It has, and it still ain't getting better.

I'm off now to take a bath. That always helps. Along with a book. Then Ill head off to uni and finish off some work. Maybe see my best friend later.Even thinking about planning simple things in my day to get me through without thinking about things helps...I mean, don't get me wrong, I am not depressed lying in bed thniking about this all day. Just certain times are worse. Like now, the mornings, before I start to do anything. Checklist, get up and get busy. Plus I also have PMS, so everything seems like a million times worse...I'll be ok. I may go to a favourite park of mine tomorrow. Simple things help, but I guess as larry keeps on suggesting, I have to ride it out.
But I am a little scared- I know people who have taken years to get over their loves. This really, really freaks me out. I haven't seen my ex in three months! And I feel silly for still wanting him- isn't it all an illusion in your head? How can you still want someone who you haven't seen for so long? I have friends, and alot of male friends, who have taken months and even years...They tell me I am doing fine (they don't read the posts on here), and that they took a lot longer, and getting over someone is complicated and takes time....I just hope I don't take that long!
Not everyone bounces right back after a breakup. However, you contacting him and rehashing it all is really only prolonging the process of moving on. As long as you are taking the appropriate steps to move on (like no longer contacting him :nono:) you will eventually get there. You have to remember that when it comes to getting over someone there is no "instant gratification". You're not going to magically wake up one day and be over him. Instead you will feel less and less as time goes on until eventually you are indifferent to it all.

I'm doing fine AJ, thanks for asking. I was done the end of the month anyway so I'm not heartbroken in the least. Without getting into too many details, I was threatened by a client that didn't like my answer to his problem who then turned around and threatened a lawsuit against the company. My boss decided his potential lawsuit was more important than the fact that he threatened to harm me. I'm a mother of two small kids and I DO NOT need that! I've been setting up interviews for once I move so I know things will work out. But enough about me.

I'm glad things are going better with your editor. It would be such a shame for you to give up the newspaper since you were so excited about working there in the first place.
[QUOTE=happymom28;3430346]Not everyone bounces right back after a breakup. However, you contacting him and rehashing it all is really only prolonging the process of moving on. As long as you are taking the appropriate steps to move on (like no longer contacting him :nono:) you will eventually get there. You have to remember that when it comes to getting over someone there is no "instant gratification". You're not going to magically wake up one day and be over him. Instead you will feel less and less as time goes on until eventually you are indifferent to it all.

I'm doing fine AJ, thanks for asking. I was done the end of the month anyway so I'm not heartbroken in the least. Without getting into too many details, I was threatened by a client that didn't like my answer to his problem who then turned around and threatened a lawsuit against the company. My boss decided his potential lawsuit was more important than the fact that he threatened to harm me. I'm a mother of two small kids and I DO NOT need that! I've been setting up interviews for once I move so I know things will work out. But enough about me.

I'm glad things are going better with your editor. It would be such a shame for you to give up the newspaper since you were so excited about working there in the first place.[/QUOTE]

I understand making contact wouldn't seem like a great move. But I needed to do it happymom. Yes, made me more upset, but it made me realise how little he cares. For some reason, him not contacting me wasn't enough to make me realise. He did message me once, but the birthday message only reinforced it- the coldness of it.
I should not have called him after I made contact, but again, maybe I needed it although it was just extra negativity to deal with, but it reinforced I should not be anywhere near this guy.
I won't be calling him again. I haven't since the last time I did. And Im not expecting his call, as he keeps saying, like he always says, he will call, he will message etc and doesn't. I remember the days when he would do something he use to say he would do...how people can change. I wonder why he does it. Bored? Gives him a sense of power? Wants to keep me waiting? Who knows!
Even if he calls, I will not pick up. As I said in my message to him, I'm bored of all this.
I just wish there was a switch to turn off so I could just stop thinking about him altogether.
But anyway my day is looking better :) It just seems mornings and late at night are the worse times. I'm pretty ok during the day.

About your boss- he should have been more supportive towards you:rolleyes: My manages are great when it comes to things like. Luckily, I rarely get into disputes with customers. Other staff at my workplace are not so fortunate and are often threatened and screamed at. And when this is not justified, most cases that is, the offending customer will be asked to leave the premises. We have zero tolerance- even when it comes to verbal arguments and the raising of one's voice. That is because I work with a good set of managers but not all branches operate the way we do.
But once a manager failed to support me when a customer, infront of his children, started screaming at me because I failed to smile when giving him a business card. I was not even serving him, and my manager simply asked me to give him a card :dizzy::dizzy::dizzy::dizzy: gosh, you get some crazy people! For the first time in my life, I didn't bite my tongue and gave him a piece of my mind! And the stupid manager (he left the company thankfully, he had no spine) had the nerve to have a word with me....other managers at my branch would not do such a thing. Maybe because they have worked with me for 4 years and they know i am very patient and very good with customers. it takes a lot for me to snap back- only did it the once!
The next day lol the customer called and i picked up and we both knew haha but we remained civil and i helped him out.

I'm glad you're applying for new jobs :) You must be so excited yet so bloody stressed at the same time! I wish you lots and lots of luck :)





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