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Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


Hello everyone. It is good to hear from you all, happymom, Larrylou'smom, rose, bullet (I do not have an illness).

[QUOTE=happymom28;3414962]The rollercoaster car is slowly going up the hill.............[/QUOTE]

Not quite yet. I say not quite yet, I don't think I will get really hurt again. I am in a good place right now (more on that below).

I know if I wanted to get back together with him, I think I could. But I don't want it like that.
But I am holding back- is it because I don't love him anymore? or is it because i know better than to go back for the third time? how can i? how can i run the risk of destroying myself for the third time with him?
I think maybe if he proves to me...but proves what? he surely doesn't love me. he surely can't care.
it would be a different matter if he had contacted me when he returned. but he didn't. and that will play on my mind and cause me more insecurities. could i ever be happy with him?

yesterday, talking to him on the phone made me realise. im better off.
he was telling me how sad he is with his life right now, how he has come back from travelling, the fun has dwindled away, and how he doesn't like living at home and how he is struggling to find things to do. he is miserable he basically said.
and here i am with all my friends, studying hard, partying hard- i truely am having a wonderful time.

on saturday night, i had an amazing night out with my friends. i met someone new he said to our mutual friend that he was blown away by me. when i was talking, i kept thinking, gosh he is so cute, lots of girls were looking at him and i just thought he was being friendly. after finding out that he liked me, i got shy and couldn't bring myself to talk to him. he asked my friend for my number and i told her to give it to him but she got very drunk lol but she is trying to convince me to go on a date with this guy.

over the weekend, i was really interested in this guy i had met. he was goodlooking, very polite, very interesting.
but now....i don't know where i am.

i won't be suggesting the meet up with my ex. last night i worked myself up, and posted here that i was thinking about suggesting to meet up today. no. i won't be doing that. he is going to be making all the phonecalls and suggesting the meeting up. i am not chasing him.

if nothing comes of this, then so be it. i am at a good place where i can still move on forward.
if he wants to talk, he can talk, but i just wonder what i posted at the beginning of this post- how could it work? will i be forcing something that was never meant to be?
AJ, I went back and read a lot of your previous posts over the months. A few things caught my attention. I noticed you posted in a bi-polar disorder board...thinking maybe you had it??? Have you gotten any further with that? I'm just wondering because the way your posts have been...and what you said on that particular post in that board. Maybe that is what another poster is suggesting by saying that maybe you have an "illness"? You come on these boards for advice, yet you seem to ignore everything everyone is telling you. You seem to already have your mind made up about what you wanna do, but are just hoping that someone on here will back you up and agree you.

Now, my biggest question is, WHY would you want to be with someone who couldn't care less about you?? You seem to have self esteem issues, but you also seem to create them for yourself. Instead of letting your loser ex go, you are holding onto him knowing very well he does NOT love you, and he probably NEVER will. Regardless of his commitment issues, if he loved you, he would. And he would by now, and he DOESN'T. So, of course you have self esteem issues. You are putting all of it into a guy who couldn't care less about you, except for his own personal gain. If you could just let him go and find someone who does love you...

I know it's hard to let of someone you love, but almost all of have/will do it eventually. I have done it, and it sucked. But I got over it. I knew the guy I was with wasn't right for me, nor was he good TO me. So I did what I had to do. And I'm now happier than ever. That was several years ago. You can do it, and it will be hard. But you need to think about yourself. Your confidence, your future, you LIFE.
[QUOTE=apple_juice;3415783]Hello everyone. It is good to hear from you all, happymom, Larrylou'smom, rose, bullet (I do not have an illness).



Not quite yet. I say not quite yet, I don't think I will get really hurt again. I am in a good place right now (more on that below).

I know if I wanted to get back together with him, I think I could. But I don't want it like that.
But I am holding back- is it because I don't love him anymore? or is it because i know better than to go back for the third time? how can i? how can i run the risk of destroying myself for the third time with him?
I think maybe if he proves to me...but proves what? he surely doesn't love me. he surely can't care.
it would be a different matter if he had contacted me when he returned. but he didn't. and that will play on my mind and cause me more insecurities. could i ever be happy with him?

yesterday, talking to him on the phone made me realise. im better off.
he was telling me how sad he is with his life right now, how he has come back from travelling, the fun has dwindled away, and how he doesn't like living at home and how he is struggling to find things to do. he is miserable he basically said.
and here i am with all my friends, studying hard, partying hard- i truely am having a wonderful time.

on saturday night, i had an amazing night out with my friends. i met someone new he said to our mutual friend that he was blown away by me. when i was talking, i kept thinking, gosh he is so cute, lots of girls were looking at him and i just thought he was being friendly. after finding out that he liked me, i got shy and couldn't bring myself to talk to him. he asked my friend for my number and i told her to give it to him but she got very drunk lol but she is trying to convince me to go on a date with this guy.

over the weekend, i was really interested in this guy i had met. he was goodlooking, very polite, very interesting.
but now....i don't know where i am.

i won't be suggesting the meet up with my ex. last night i worked myself up, and posted here that i was thinking about suggesting to meet up today. no. i won't be doing that. he is going to be making all the phonecalls and suggesting the meeting up. i am not chasing him.

if nothing comes of this, then so be it. i am at a good place where i can still move on forward.
if he wants to talk, he can talk, but i just wonder what i posted at the beginning of this post- how could it work? will i be forcing something that was never meant to be?[/QUOTE]



One more thing...do you realize what you just said above?!? He said he is miserable with his life now...the fun has dwindled, he can't find things to do. What does that tell you?!? To me that means he is coming back to you for SOMETHING to do. He's bored. He's not coming back to you because he cares or loves you, he just needs something to do, and he knows that you'll be there. He's entertaining himself, going back to what he knows. I'm surprised you didn't realize that when he said it, or when you posted it.
[QUOTE=apple_juice;3417732]
i won't consider getting back together with him unless a miracle happens. for now, i'd just like to see him and be friends. may sound silly, sounds silly to me, but thats what i feel.[/QUOTE]

I don't think you're being honest with yourself, AJ, and in order to get past this, you must start being honest with yourself. You don't want to be friends with him. Friends care about each other for exactly who and what they are, and they have no hidden agenda, and if a friend falls in love, a friend is happy for them. You don't want him to stay the same, you keep hoping he'll become someone else. You have a hidden agenda, because you would only be keeping up the friends charade in the hopes that he will love you again. And if he came to you and said "Hey AJ guess what??? I'm in love!!!! I've met the girl of my dreams and she's amazing, she's smart, funny, gorgeous, she's perfect for me, I've never felt this way about anyone before in my life!! she's the one!!" you would NOT be happy for him like a real friend would. You'd be crushed and you know it. You don't want to be friends, you want to hang around like a love sick puppy dog and pray he will change. And take it from me, as someone who did the same thing, it's always a BAD idea.

I also went through something similar with, not a romantic situation but with someone I thought was a friend. I didn't have anyone in my life really, sometimes went days without talking to another human being and I was very very lonely. I was hoping this guy could be a part of my life, but he didn't have respect for me. Canceled plans, only called when he needed to borrow money or bum a ride, "forgot" to invite me to places where he just wanted to have fun, etc and there were times I'd cry so hard because he didn't want to hang out with me. But after a little while, I just sort of saw him for what he really was, a liar, a user, a narcissist, and just all around not-nice person. It was me who ended up breaking off contact. I was sick of being used by him and not being respected. I'm not sorry I reconnected with him, I needed that kick in the head to make me stronger, but I'm not sorry he's not in my life anymore, in fact I'm very happy, and very lucky, he went away peacefully. Honey, selling yourself out for little table scraps of attention and affection because you think that's all you can get or deserve, it's just soooooo not worth it. I'm still alone, I still go days without talking to another human being, and I'm still very very lonely. I've just learned that no matter how much alone sucks, bad company is worse. It really is.
[QUOTE=Larrylou'smom;3418507But better to let this go once and for all now, rather than losing it again, then having him come back and then losing it again, and again, and again....it's time to start making some happy memories rather than trying to undo or redo unhappy memories best left forgotten in the first place.[/QUOTE]

This is why I can't go through this again.
Trying to undo or redo memories- I just can't. Honestly, I'm sure many of you were aware, I almost had a breakdown during the last 6 months. I'm feeling better, but if I go back, he wouldn't appreciate it, he wouldn't make up for it, he wouldn't give me anything back, or thank me for anything or value me for it-this is what happened last time we broke up. and STUPIDLY i went back the first time after he broke up with that girl. I feel like banging my head agaisnt a door- literally. a whole year I wasted. it brings me to tears.
Even now, he wouldn't be sorry for not making contact. He wouldn't care.
This is the guy who left me not only once but twice and couldn't have cared. Makes me wonder why he even bothered- I guess I was a time filler.
DMA- yes, I am going to try my bloody hardest yet to push all this behind me and start again.
I am still upset, but not like I use to be.
If he calls or messages again, I will definately be ignoring him.
I can't feel good about this anymore. He has pushed me down into the mud too many times, and he fails to acknowledge it, or apologise for it.

I don't want him anymore. But I would like him to acknowledge all the hurt he caused me and truely say sorry to me. Even that in itself would help me feel a little better right now, but what am i talking about, he never would.

At least you guys here understand what he did to me and how much he hurt me.

I really really really feel that this is it forever now.And I mean it.

Thanks once again guys for making me realise what needed to be realised.
AJ

Sorry could not go through all the replies so I might sound like a broken record but here's what I think.

First he contacted you just AFTER he had the trip of his lifetime. Unlike you, he did not think that your place in his life was significant enough to include you in his happy times. I believe that people should be independent and go on trips on their own but not in the way he did it. This was one of many episodes of indifference to your feelings, this is why it stands out.
Now I am sure he finds it CONVENIENT to call you, you have a flat of your own, a job, etc...there are no exciting trips for him in the horizon...

Apple, I am not asking you to dwell on the past BUT you have moved on and now you come here to ask is it ok if I slip back downhill???????? Does this explain why everyone is reluctant to say yes try one more disappointment. This guy is bad news written all over. I dount that he will EVER make a good match or make you happy.
The difference between now and before is you are going to associate your new place, new life etc with bad memories and heartbreak if you continue to think that he is the most important thing that has ever happened to you. The start will be a lot more difficult ...you will be lonely and miserable instead of independent and happy...there won't be any morechanges (like a new flat , new job, new course etc to hope to distract you from further disapointments. It is up to you AJ if you want to reconnect with him but this won't put you in a great light even in his eyes. You will continue to compromise soooo much more because he will realise you are, not only into him, but also willing to let go of any more c--p that he might not resist inflicting on you.

It is up to you AJ but I am sure that noone wants to see you in worse pain. It has been so long since you last had a happy moment with him. Does this say anything?

Good luck, we are here to support you, hopefully, not in your fresh heatrbraeks but to keep strong.
[QUOTE=happymom28;3421364]I am so glad you finally see it this way AJ. I know it is hard to accept, especially when you love(d) him so much. But it doesn't matter how much you love if he doesn't love back.

Keep up with all the positive aspects in your life and do your best to forget about him. Block him again if necessary. Send the message that you are no longer a revolving door for his needs of the moment.[/QUOTE]

After the last week of getting back into contact with him, I WANT to move on. I want to forget him. I don't want to care about him. And this is very good, a major development. Him not returning a few of my calls, telling me he is scared of me, not messaging me when he returned, having the time of his life without a care in the world about me.....plus all the hurtful things from the past.....he is so not the guy for me. I want to move past this. It is done.

It still gets hurtful, the pain is very hurtful indeed but at least I am using it to make positive forward steps forward away from this heartbreak. I deserve better. I really, really want to forget him entirely, completly and I have never felt this so strong. Part of this has a lot to do with the fact that I am much happier now in my life and in myself as a person and also from making contact with him and showing myself how little he really cares- he didnt return two of my phonecalls, planned meeting up but said he had other plans etc etc, blamed me for not contacting me etc etc. No way- I don't want someone like him in my life as a friend let alone a lover. And I can truely say this is his major loss and in a sad way, altho this may seem like talk to make myself stronger and better than him, but I don't think he will ever likely to be happy in a relationship because of how selfish he is. Things will be fine but as soon as he experiences any problems, he will walk away. He reminds me a lot of my uncle who cheated on my aunty- they are divorced now. I can love with all my heart, I am a very passionate person, I have so much to give where as my ex......well, sometimes I do wonder why I loved him so much. I really do wonder- we had incredible times, I just loved him, but he had so many flaws, and him being very selfish and arrogant overwhelmed me at times. My cousin always says, you know youve met a man who truely loves you when he puts your needs before his- not all the time- but my ex never put me before him, not once. That hurt. Even simple things- always him first.
Im friends with my exes, but my most recent ex, he just couldn't do it.
He in fact sickens me now. I forgot so much of his appalling behaviour. Seriously, I need to write it all down to remind me of his ways. Making contatc with him was good- I got to talk to him on the phone a few times and remember him for who he really is and not the fantasy I created whilst he was away.

I have counseling on Monday but I dont know what to talk about with the counsellor and what I should expect. Im not so much confused anymore as I have made contact and realise he is still the same selfish person he was before he left and that we will never get back together. Maybe I should cancel it because I want to forget this as best as I can and as soon as I can and maybe if I started counselling and started telling someone about the whole experience will just make me hurt even more. I don't know.
[QUOTE=happymom28;3430346]Not everyone bounces right back after a breakup. However, you contacting him and rehashing it all is really only prolonging the process of moving on. As long as you are taking the appropriate steps to move on (like no longer contacting him :nono:) you will eventually get there. You have to remember that when it comes to getting over someone there is no "instant gratification". You're not going to magically wake up one day and be over him. Instead you will feel less and less as time goes on until eventually you are indifferent to it all.

I'm doing fine AJ, thanks for asking. I was done the end of the month anyway so I'm not heartbroken in the least. Without getting into too many details, I was threatened by a client that didn't like my answer to his problem who then turned around and threatened a lawsuit against the company. My boss decided his potential lawsuit was more important than the fact that he threatened to harm me. I'm a mother of two small kids and I DO NOT need that! I've been setting up interviews for once I move so I know things will work out. But enough about me.

I'm glad things are going better with your editor. It would be such a shame for you to give up the newspaper since you were so excited about working there in the first place.[/QUOTE]

I understand making contact wouldn't seem like a great move. But I needed to do it happymom. Yes, made me more upset, but it made me realise how little he cares. For some reason, him not contacting me wasn't enough to make me realise. He did message me once, but the birthday message only reinforced it- the coldness of it.
I should not have called him after I made contact, but again, maybe I needed it although it was just extra negativity to deal with, but it reinforced I should not be anywhere near this guy.
I won't be calling him again. I haven't since the last time I did. And Im not expecting his call, as he keeps saying, like he always says, he will call, he will message etc and doesn't. I remember the days when he would do something he use to say he would do...how people can change. I wonder why he does it. Bored? Gives him a sense of power? Wants to keep me waiting? Who knows!
Even if he calls, I will not pick up. As I said in my message to him, I'm bored of all this.
I just wish there was a switch to turn off so I could just stop thinking about him altogether.
But anyway my day is looking better :) It just seems mornings and late at night are the worse times. I'm pretty ok during the day.

About your boss- he should have been more supportive towards you:rolleyes: My manages are great when it comes to things like. Luckily, I rarely get into disputes with customers. Other staff at my workplace are not so fortunate and are often threatened and screamed at. And when this is not justified, most cases that is, the offending customer will be asked to leave the premises. We have zero tolerance- even when it comes to verbal arguments and the raising of one's voice. That is because I work with a good set of managers but not all branches operate the way we do.
But once a manager failed to support me when a customer, infront of his children, started screaming at me because I failed to smile when giving him a business card. I was not even serving him, and my manager simply asked me to give him a card :dizzy::dizzy::dizzy::dizzy: gosh, you get some crazy people! For the first time in my life, I didn't bite my tongue and gave him a piece of my mind! And the stupid manager (he left the company thankfully, he had no spine) had the nerve to have a word with me....other managers at my branch would not do such a thing. Maybe because they have worked with me for 4 years and they know i am very patient and very good with customers. it takes a lot for me to snap back- only did it the once!
The next day lol the customer called and i picked up and we both knew haha but we remained civil and i helped him out.

I'm glad you're applying for new jobs :) You must be so excited yet so bloody stressed at the same time! I wish you lots and lots of luck :)
AJ, I know peoples' posts are starting to sound harsh now. I think that's because we are getting frustrated that you just can't see things the way they are. I understand it's easy for us to say it and realize what's going on, and it's harder for you because you're in denial. But it gets frustrating to people on the "outside" because after all these months it just makes us want to scream "DON'T YOU GET IT! HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOU! LET IT GO!". But, from your point of view, it's just not that cut and dry. And I understand that. It's always easier for people to give advice when we're not the ones involved in it. We have no feelings for your ex, so it's easy for us to tell you to walk away and don't look back.

On the other hand, you NEED to just let him go. As everyone is saying, it will be impossible for you to heal unless you let him go and move on. It will probably be the hardest thing you'll ever have to do (at least for now), but you HAVE to do it. I've done it and it was horrible. It was SO hard, but I did it. I'll tell you a little about my story...

I was with a guy for over a year. I actually moved to Europe for him (which is a huge step and commitment). I moved there on the terms that we would move back to the states together after a year in Europe. We never officially got engaged but we planned to get married. He was not nice to me. He was emotionally abusive, probably cheated on me (was always on personals dating sites, lying to me about talking to ex's, etc.) Anyway, when it came down to start planning our move back here to the States, he was not committed to it. He would "casually" look for jobs and he was stalling. He finally admitted he wasn't ready to move back here. So I had to choose either to stay with him in Europe (and be treated badly, mind you), or to come back to the states alone. I loved him with ALL my heart and I was terrified to picture my future without him. I had planned my entire future with him, and it was so scary to think of starting all over and doing it alone. But, I knew I had to. I knew he wasn't the right guy for me, whether or not I loved him. So, I chose to come back to the states alone.

To this day, I still say it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Once I moved back, we kept in constant contact, as if we were still together. We would call and email every day, and still tell each other "I love you". After a few weeks I decided if I wanted to move on, I would have to stop acting like we were still together, so I stopped telling him I loved him and I stopped talking to him the same way. He was also coming back to the states in about 3 months to visit. My family told me DON'T SEE HIM. It will set you back in the healing process. All the feelings will take hold of you again and you will have to start all over. Well, what do you think I did?!? I saw him when he came back. And I actually ended up sleeping with him. And what did I find out after all of that...he was casually dating a girl back in Europe (already), and he planned to make it "official" once he got back. AND, he slept with another "friend" of his while on the same trip he slept with me. I felt like an idiot. When I saw him I felt like everything was the way it used to be, the way it SHOULD be. I started having fantasies about him moving back to marry me and be with me again. But towards the end of his trip, I realized that wasn't the case. He was the same person, and he wasn't coming back for me. Then I realized, I didn't WANT him to. I loved him, but he wasn't good for me. SO, after he left and went back to Europe 2 weeks later, I let it go. I had set myself back and I did have to start all over again (just like everyone had told me). I had to start healing as if it was the first day we broke up. And it was so hard and I miserable for a while. It did take me a while to get over him, but I DID do it. And so can you. You just need to take that first step to doing it. No matter how hard it is. You need to think about your future and what you want it to be. You need to realize that you cannot move on if you are still holding onto something that isn't there. You need to realize that it's hard to let him go, but honestly, it's much harder to keep holding on.

I promise you, you WILL one day find true love and you WILL be happy. You need to see that for yourself and you need to work towards it. You will one day look back at him and think "what was I thinking"?!? I'm proof of that. My story with my ex happened almost 4 years ago. I have had so many happy moments since then. I am now with a fantastic guy that I hope to have a great future with.

My ex and I are still "friends", kinda. He is still a jerk more or less and very negative. He doesn't seem to want me to be happy ever, so he puts down everything I do. But, I don't care now. I have no feelings for him anymore so he doesn't affect me. He is now having a baby with his gf in a few months, and honestly, all I can think is "that poor girl". I am so happy I got away when I had the chance.

Sorry for such a long post, but I just wanted to tell you my story and hopefully help you get some perspective. :)





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