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[QUOTE=apple_juice;3416128][B]I can forgive him for certain things, happymom,but I don't think I can shake off the fact that he failed to contact me when he returned. That is the big issue I have here.[/B] That shows he could have just gone on, without contacting me. That shows a hell of a lot.
I keep wondering if things would be different this time. :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:
I am not keen at all on him or getting back together, and yet I am still confused as to what I should do. Maybe confused isn't the word.
I guess it is confusing because I still have feelings, yet I know this is likely to go horribly wrong- just by looking at his behaviour.
I keep trying to justify everything, so everything seems positive, so I could make something of this, but I am failing. Im grasping at straws and still not getting anywhere. I think I have my answer but I just can't seem to pull back.[/QUOTE]


If you look at the part of your post I bolded out, AJ, I think it's pretty clear you're small picture-ing it. What I mean by that is, you're doing exactly what I used to do. "well, he yelled at me in front of his friends, but then he took me out to a nice dinner. He passive-aggressively pushed me off the bed as a "joke" but didn't catch me as I almost dove headlong into the tv set, but then he gave me a backrub. He stood me up, but then called the next day and was sweet as pie." I'm here to tell you that's a HUGE, HUGE, [B]HUGE[/B] mistake. Because with emotional abuse, as well as with physical abuse, it's ebb and flow. Sweet and mean, sweet and mean, it's a gamble, like playing a slot machine. If a slot machine never paid off, no one would ever play it, right? he's just sweet and nice enough to you to get you reeled in and once he feels he has you, he's an abusive jerk, until he feels he's about to lose you again, then he pours on the sweetness to reel you back, until he feels he has you again and it's "safe" to be a jerk to you again, and on and on and on and on, and because we've got our eye on the small picture, all we care about is the little jackpots that get doled out. It feels so good when he holds you that you're willing to forget all the garbage he fed you before. You keep putting quarters in hoping for another sweet day, another hug, backrub, sweet word, mindblowing love making session, that you blind yourself to all the quarters that get sucked up forever and no jackpot comes, and your self esteem gets slowly eaten away in the process. It's lsike that old saying "punch me in the mouth, it feels so good when you stop!" But what you need to learn, is that there are guys out there who aren't slot machines, and you don't have to wait for any pain to stop before you can feel good, because it's all good. Those are worth waiting for, worth working through the hard parts of being alone for. But you won't see that as long as you keep your eye on the smal picture. You will be doing this push-me-pull-you act till the day you die as long as you keep your eye on the small picture.

you need to start looking at the big picture. And the big picture is, he's not that into you. Forget the fact that he didn't call you when he came back. You need to stop taking each isolated incident piece by piece and trying to read his mind and figure out what each one means. That won't get you anywhere. The bottom line is, do you feel loved, cherished, respected and honored in this relationship? Not just sometimes, not just once in a while, but 90% of the time, on a day to day basis, can you predict his behavior and his treatment of you and is it good? Does it make you feel loved on a day to day, regular basis? Do you feel stronger, more self assured, more confident, more valued, more sure-footed, more "on solid ground" with him than you do without him? If the answer to any of these is "no", then you shouldn't be with him, and it's that simple.

To answer your questions simply, no, I don't think you should stay in contact with him. Yes, I think it's a BBAAAAADDDD idea to even try to work things out with him, or to even talk to him anymore. Yes, I think it would have been not only forward of you, but rather pathetic to call him and ask to see him or arrange a date after the way he's treated you, and I'm glad you didn't. No, I don't really think you guys can work things out, at least not now. You both need to work out your own issues. I don't know him or his side of things so I can't say what he should be working on, but I think you need to do some serious work on your self esteem and self image before you even talk to him again. The very fact that you even WANT to talk to him again says that you don't think you deserve any better than the garbage he's piled on you all this time, and that's pretty low self esteem. It's really true what they say, if you dont' love yourself, you 1) can't really love anyone else because you're always making your insecurities and fears their problem and you're too unsure, self conscious and self involved to really be a good, loving giving partner, so it never works out and 2) you can't expect anyone else to love you, because being around someone who thinks lowly of themselves gets to be a drag and no one wants to do it for long except sadists.
[QUOTE=Larrylou'smom;3416283]If you look at the part of your post I bolded out, AJ, I think it's pretty clear you're small picture-ing it. What I mean by that is, you're doing exactly what I used to do. "well, he yelled at me in front of his friends, but then he took me out to a nice dinner. He passive-aggressively pushed me off the bed as a "joke" but didn't catch me as I almost dove headlong into the tv set, but then he gave me a backrub. He stood me up, but then called the next day and was sweet as pie." I'm here to tell you that's a HUGE, HUGE, [B]HUGE[/B] mistake. Because with emotional abuse, as well as with physical abuse, it's ebb and flow. Sweet and mean, sweet and mean, it's a gamble, like playing a slot machine. If a slot machine never paid off, no one would ever play it, right? he's just sweet and nice enough to you to get you reeled in and once he feels he has you, he's an abusive jerk, until he feels he's about to lose you again, then he pours on the sweetness to reel you back, until he feels he has you again and it's "safe" to be a jerk to you again, and on and on and on and on, and because we've got our eye on the small picture, all we care about is the little jackpots that get doled out. It feels so good when he holds you that you're willing to forget all the garbage he fed you before. You keep putting quarters in hoping for another sweet day, another hug, backrub, sweet word, mindblowing love making session, that you blind yourself to all the quarters that get sucked up forever and no jackpot comes, and your self esteem gets slowly eaten away in the process. It's lsike that old saying "punch me in the mouth, it feels so good when you stop!" But what you need to learn, is that there are guys out there who aren't slot machines, and you don't have to wait for any pain to stop before you can feel good, because it's all good. Those are worth waiting for, worth working through the hard parts of being alone for. But you won't see that as long as you keep your eye on the smal picture. You will be doing this push-me-pull-you act till the day you die as long as you keep your eye on the small picture.

you need to start looking at the big picture. And the big picture is, he's not that into you. Forget the fact that he didn't call you when he came back. You need to stop taking each isolated incident piece by piece and trying to read his mind and figure out what each one means. That won't get you anywhere. The bottom line is, do you feel loved, cherished, respected and honored in this relationship? Not just sometimes, not just once in a while, but 90% of the time, on a day to day basis, can you predict his behavior and his treatment of you and is it good? Does it make you feel loved on a day to day, regular basis? Do you feel stronger, more self assured, more confident, more valued, more sure-footed, more "on solid ground" with him than you do without him? If the answer to any of these is "no", then you shouldn't be with him, and it's that simple.

To answer your questions simply, no, I don't think you should stay in contact with him. Yes, I think it's a BBAAAAADDDD idea to even try to work things out with him, or to even talk to him anymore. Yes, I think it would have been not only forward of you, but rather pathetic to call him and ask to see him or arrange a date after the way he's treated you, and I'm glad you didn't. No, I don't really think you guys can work things out, at least not now. You both need to work out your own issues. I don't know him or his side of things so I can't say what he should be working on, but I think you need to do some serious work on your self esteem and self image before you even talk to him again. The very fact that you even WANT to talk to him again says that you don't think you deserve any better than the garbage he's piled on you all this time, and that's pretty low self esteem. It's really true what they say, if you dont' love yourself, you 1) can't really love anyone else because you're always making your insecurities and fears their problem and you're too unsure, self conscious and self involved to really be a good, loving giving partner, so it never works out and 2) you can't expect anyone else to love you, because being around someone who thinks lowly of themselves gets to be a drag and no one wants to do it for long except sadists.[/QUOTE]

Thanks for this larry. You always post the most insightful posts.
I can't reply in detail right now because I am in the library studying, but I will think about what you have posted and reply very soon.





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