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i Agree with what you're saying cleansweap. I've been told that so many times. I've read the books. All the Bell Hooks and the others. I ca't seem to apply anything to myself. I can't seem to understnad how i'm suppose to be confident and believe in my self when I know my personality is always going to be at my disadvantage. And I"ve always had a plan for my life, I just need to work a lot of years before I get there. I don't suffer from low ambition. That's why I can't have a simple life. Because I have to figure how to make the impossible happen all the time and out of nothing. I haen't achieved much, but I never stopped trying and it's hard when you're on your own and very different when people have some type of support system to rely on somehow. Just like now, I'd like to say, I want to get my act together, but I'm at home fightting because anyone I turn to wants to send me a shelter or put me on drugs and antidepressants for proven physiological problems and just send me backwards. I never move because it feels like all I do is fight against everything that wants to pull me back. And then I'm just too drained to move forward.

Well you're right than no one appreciates someone who's weak and you can only assume that i'm weak just by looking at me. Then if you talk to me, I'm so edgy for fighting with everyone that I never have anything good to say. I'm so focus and stressed and obsessed with getting my act together, I'm not even able to socialize. Trying to pull it together is all I've been doing. All my life. I don't know anything. That's why I'm so messed up. And now, I can't afford a life, I'm too weak and ugly (inside) for a relationship, cannot look forward to ever children, don't know how i will go back to school. I was stupid enough to let a man ruin my life once, and he did it well and I let him and I'm now paying for that and I'm not allowed to be happy again. I know that's what I'm paying for. I guess that's just what it is. I have to pay for being weak and letting someone do what they have to do so they can better themselves. My ex is now in school and doing better than when I met when he refused to do anything with his life or himself. I had to let him go because I didn't have any more that I could give him and he hates me for losing my energy and not being able to keep up anymore. I'm just so tired. I am weak. I don't even know what else to do. It's like a bloody curse. What happens when you're too weak for anything because every living wolf out there has been sucking everything out of you.

So is it that i'm not strong to be loved? How does one be strong without love. Who do you know that's achieve strenght without love, any type of love, just love whatsoever. Anybody that enters into a relationship is strong and has it together and all figured out? Or may you're sending this somewhre in anoother world, because i don't know anybody that has it together and is so strong and has no issues. The only difference me and someone else is that my weaknesses were exposed and after that it became so overwhelming that I couldn't hide it anymore. Now I also have to labelled weak for that. Well, hey, it's not like my great self is taking a blow from that. LOL. There's isn't much left to hurt or put down really.

And so I'm weak and lost and all screwed up in my head. People worst than me out there have at the very least one person that they know accepts them for who they are. And perhaps I had that, but I didn't quite understand that I couldn't ask for better than that, because I wasn't a good person or wasn't strong enough to keep it together throughout everything I had happening. I've considered this, that's why i was with him, because I knew I didn't deserve any better. Hey, if the guy is willing to put with with and all of asks for is not to be intimate with me, why should I complain? Why should I complain that he might violent once in a while, or while I should I complain that he cheats. Who wouldn't need to cheat on someone like me? I just can't keep it together. I just can't stop beating myself over not succeeding and being different from others.

I think I'm realizing that there's a point where you just become too needy to be able to ever make sense. There's like a point of no return. The vicious cycle is sealed and it can't be broken. It started way before me and it's still going and I don't know how to get out of it.

I'm just too drained to get through this, I'm just desperate for a time out or an opportunity to just take a break and refuel, since I know this is how the rest of my life is going to be and fighting everyday is what i'm going to keep doing. i just thought I could deserve at least feeling good for one time, even it is was fake and unreal and not heartfelt by the other person. That's why sometimes I wish I could pay for it, because I'm jutst in how it feels at this person, ot wether it's real or not.

Good night, maybe sleep will give me some strenght tonight (like I haven't wished for that before)!

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