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Over this past year, my husband of 20+ years was involved in an emotional affair. It never went any further than serious talking. He became really attached to this other woman (who is married). Before things went any further than necessary, he broke things off. He did not want to hurt us (his family) by making a bad decision on a not so sure thing.

My concern is this:

He is very depressed most of the time and pretty much wants to be to himself whenever possible. He says that he is trying to work out these feelings and that he needs some time to do so. He told me that he loves me but may not be in love with me. He says that he doesn't want to leave us and that we are very important to him.

This man is my world and has been for soooo long. I am deeply hurt and just want to close myself off somewhere and cry my eyes out, but I can't. I have a daughter that needs me to be strong.

I guess I just need some imput. Some of you may remember me from previous posts and wonder what I am still doing here in this mess.
I do remember your previous thread. Upon reading this I have to ask, are you certain he is done with this "emotional affair"? Do you actually talk about things or does he have the "it's over so you need to be over it" attitude?

I think the only way either of you are going to get past this is seek some counselling. He needs to understand why he chose to go outside of the marriage for emotional comfort and so do you. Nothing gets solved by sweeping it under the rug. Is he open to the idea of counselling?

The thing your husband needs to understand is that you deserve a husband that loves you and is in love with you. Him staying out of obligation or your child isn't fair to anyone involved, and that's the reason I am hearing for his staying.
Happymom28 thank you for responding.

He says that the emotional affair thing is over and that the time has passed to go back. He is in no way telling me to get over it or having an attitude towards me.

It's actually my fault that he told me so much, because I pushed him. I thought it would help him to express some of his feelings.

I don't think he will agree to counseling and I did mention maybe seeing a doctor about the depression, but he doesn't want to take pills to "fix his problems".

He knows that I deserve someone to love me and be in love with me. He says that maybe he said things all wrong because he says he does love me and couldn't imagine our lives apart from one another.

I really don't know why I posted this, except maybe to vent, try to reason this thing out, and get some opinions.
I'm also dealing with a husband who showed signs of having an (actually 2) emotional affairs in the past. Right now we are going to a therapist who is wonderful. He likes her & I do too but she wasn't the first one we tried. Sometimes you have to shop to find the right fit. My husband has never admitted to getting too close to these other women but he did make a comment last night that we "had" a problem with him getting too close to female co workers. That's as close to a confession as he's come. The fact that your husband is opening up to you is a really HUGE step in healing. His depression could have a lot to do with the emotional distance you both are feeling. He may have thought it was harmless to talk about his feelings with a woman other than his wife & it back fired on him. Maybe he didn't want to upset you with talk of him being depressed? The fact is, many people go through depression & there's nothing to be ashamed about. If you can, gently nudge him into counseling. Maybe if you bring it up as you needing it & needing him there with you, he'll more acceptable about going.
I feel for you & wish you the best of luck.
I feel for you, tlhalabama.

Not entirely sure what an 'emotional affair' is, but in your eyes, has he crossed the line?

Is he still in contact with this woman?

How did you find out about it?
Thanks for replying

Leeleelanilou: Since opening up to me the other day, he has been so much better, more attentive and wanting to spend time with me. I agree with you that maybe this did backfire on him. He is a very caring man. I feel that he kinda got caught up in some of her problems too. Maybe trying to help by talking and it went somewhere it wasn't supposed to.

Good luck with your conseling and I hope all goes well for you. I will try to convince mine that this is maybe what we need.

Princessanna: An emotional affair can be just as bad on a relationship as a sexual affair only, I guess the terms are different. IMHO, emotional affairs, if not stopped, lead to sexual affairs. He has not crossed the lines as far as any kissing or anthing sexual. I guess what hurts me is that some other woman caught his attention and he became fast friends and would talk a lot to her, but not me.

He broke things off several months ago, but is still dealing with getting his emotions in line.

I found out because his behavior was changing. He was distant. I just plain out asked him what was wrong. He started crying and told me about this person, this friend. He had just broken it off that week. So I knew after that fact. What is so strange it that I had never even heard of an emotional affair until the week before. I was reading an article and noticed some of the same things happening with my husband.
OK so if you want to believe that it didn't go any farther than emotional that's up to you.......but really.........????????????????? Do you really believe that? I find it hard to believe he's this distraught over a "friend". He's probably just telling you that nothing happened so that you won't leave him! Hey...JMHO from experience. Was lied to for YEARS and found out the truth after living with a lie for 15 years. My husband only told me what he thought that I would accept. It was a total load of BS!
Even if it wasn't at all physical, it can still be devastating, I had been through both, one partner cheating on my physically with his ex, and another ex-bf of mine ended up falling in love with a friend at his work. For me, the second one was more hurtful than the first. I mean the first one, we're used to seeng people cheat on each other all the time, it's a common occurence in shows, talk shows, people's lives.....

But having my then bf so attached to another woman.... he would give her rides back and forth to work, while I woudl take the bus in the snow. Sure they worked together, but I was on the way, and I woudl them drive by me. Or her picking out my birthday gifts that he shoudl give me. Or him being there for her when she got demoted, and let her cry on his shoulder; but when I lost a good friend to lung cancer, he didn't even come with me to the funeral.

I don't know, but that's just from my experience. tlhalabama, even if it wasn't physical (but from the sounds of it, it sounds liek it might have been) I hope you and your husband can move past this, and you husband does keep away from her. And that she understands the boundaries.
[QUOTE=PrincessSweetNS;3421811]Even if it wasn't at all physical, it can still be devastating, I had been through both, one partner cheating on my physically with his ex, and another ex-bf of mine ended up falling in love with a friend at his work. For me, the second one was more hurtful than the first. I mean the first one, we're used to seeng people cheat on each other all the time, it's a common occurence in shows, talk shows, people's lives.....

But having my then bf so attached to another woman....[/QUOTE]

I agree with PrincessSweetNS, an emotional affair is in fact more hurtful than a sexual affair. It can leave you with an empty relationship with not foundings whatsoever.

tlhalabama, it's good that you'll try to go to marital counseling with your husband. One of the things that you'll need to find out there is if your marriage, on your husband's side, it's only based on obligation or fear to face entering a needed new life alone.

I feel for you and I hope you have the best of luck!
BeaTrade I am so sorry that you went through that for 15 years. I do not and will not go that long (I hope). The reason I believe that it went no further is becasue of the depression and him seeming like he is missing something and not getting over it. If they had crossed the sexual lines, he would have that part out of his system, right? I don't know. Maybe it is BS. I know it's BS that this is even happening.

Princess SweetNS I, like you, have been through both. When he had the sexual affair, I was younger and very dependent on him. Now, things are somewhat different. Both were/are very hurtful. The emotional affair seems to have no end in sight. If left alone, I believe it will/would have turned physical. That is why I am trusting him when he says that it is over and there is no going back. I am sorry for you that you have lived through both of these things. She has a husband and a small child and hope that she rededicates herself to her family.

Nohema What makes things seem so empty is just knowing that he cared for some other woman enough to share long conversations with her when we barley have time for brief chats. My relationship does seem empty but like I said earlier, he is paying more attention to me and spending time with me. Maybe I can try harder to not be so busy and be there for him too. We have a 5 year old, whom he loves so very much. I think some of his problem is that he doesn't want to leave the security of us and our home. We have been together for 23 years. Change is scary, but like I told him - I am strong and will be OK, just make up your mind.
[QUOTE=tlhalabama;3422103]Maybe it is BS. I know it's BS that this is even happening.[/QUOTE]

That we do know for sure! HA! Even though I would find it hard to believe that there was really no sex...I do know that you don't have to have sex with someone to be in love(or think you are) with someone. And yes, knowing that your husband is in love with another woman is much harder to swallow, IMHO, then just a role in the hay with someone that they didn't care about. To me that just take away the most important thing in a marriage which is the LOVE!
BeaTrade, I agree with you 100%. A sexual encounter is hard enough to deal with if feelings are not involved. But just knowing that he "loves" someone else is really hard. It almost feels like it hurts to the bone.

I really don't want to lose him. He is a hard working man and a wonderful father, but I want somebody to totally and deeply LOVE ME AND ONLY ME. I do not think that is selfish on my part. That is what marriage is about, right?
[QUOTE] I do not think that is selfish on my part.[/QUOTE]

Not selfish at all...that's what a marriage is supposed to be about! You are supposed to forsake all others. You are not supposed to put anyone before your spouse. They are supposed to be the most important person in your life! Or at least that's what the vows say anyway!

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