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Hi again!

I guess you guys can tell that I came out of relationship and I'm kinda not doing so well and I've posted 3 messages to the board already. LOL.

So it goes well with the topic. This relationship has really screwed me for life I think. I've always been a doormat, so none of my relationships ever worked. And things are now over with my 7 year common law relationship after the guy decided he was starting a trend of attempting to choke, so you know, I'm a doormat, not a squeeze ball!!! So yeah, that's done and so is everything else in my life but I'm just worried that either the perfect target for another loser with moral issues or that I will make men run away when they realize how desperate I am.

I was thinking maybe I should just date and have casual sex to just get it out of my system, but it's soooooooooo hard to even think it's going to be possible. I wear the same clothes all the time because I only make $600 month right and now that I'm by myself, I'll even have less money to make myself presentable.

So for starters, I am not presentable and don't anticipate being as such for a good year (that's how long it will take, maybe more, for me to start having more money for various reason that would take too long to explain here).

Secondly, the man I was with spend 7 yeears having a whole lot of fun having sex with other people and with holding from me and making me feel like I was the most disgusting piece of flesh on earth. So right now, I'll be honest and, I don't even that I just broke with him and that I don't have abed to sleep on and furniture and that I'm broke like a joke and am alone. Ever since Saturday, which was the last I saw him, all I'm concerned is how I'm going to be able to have sex again. And honestly, I just know that I'll screw anything that comes by, if anything comes my way at all (cuz I do almost look like a bum, thanks to bed bugs and having to refurnish nearly half my apartment and spend money on exterminators and all that bloody city living crap!). I'm just so desperate tojust feel good with someone. I never had this in my entire damn life so I know any man that will get to know me will be scared because they'll sense my desperation and just run away. If they don't run away, I know I have to be worried because they will have alterior motive. And if I don't have sex with anyone, I'll never get over this. I know I'm set to probably never experience love, but, I at least, want to use the only good part of me (the only confidence is when I'm in bed with someone....i know I can probably make a man forget about how lame I am if I get to sleep with him - at least for a minute).

Really, if I had money, i would have honestly called a few males escorts and get it over with, but you, it's wrong and thankfully for me, I don't have money for that, but the hardest part of this breakup, I'm afraid to say, is not only I haven't had any sex, but I don't think I will.....EVER. Between man who will be turned off by physical, and then turned off by my neediness and how desperate, I don't think I'm left with a slim chance.

WHAT DO I DO? I wish I had friends really, cuz I owuld someone to ask and i'm kidding in thinking I'm gonna get answers but, hey, that's me, I'm desperate, that's what I do. I never have a choice but to humiliate myself in order to get something.

I wish I could get hit in the head and forget that sex exist. Then I'll be able to have good life and focus on what's important.

How do you stop being so needy, or how do I hide it or how do I stop wanting to get attention. Life is just funny, you have to not need attention to get it. Just like to need to have money to get more money but if you have nothing you can't get nothing?

Maybe im just going sex crazy??? Please help me. I don't know what to do with myself anymore.
From what I understand from your other post, you have health issues that you need to consider first and foremost. Sex is probably the last thing you need to be thinking about right now. If you are in such a dire financial situation, your best bet is to lay low and try to think about how you can budget your money in the best way possible so that you can get a little bit ahead. If I were you I would focus all my energies on improving my life and living situation as opposed to running out trying to find men. You just got out of a seven-year, dysfunctional relationship. Try being alone for a while so you can get yourself together. Don't you have universal healthcare in Canada? Can you get a counselor to talk to for little/no money?
I think you need to sit in the library for the next year while you are getting your health/finances in order and read some books on self-esteem and self worth.
I live in Canada so I know there are ways you can get counselling with little or no money. There are counselling services based on income. And being you have 600 to work with a month.. chances are it will be of no cost. If you are in Toronto I know it it outragous there to live as far as rent. You need to avoid any situations with sex.. it will only make matters worse. Also as far as wanting to look presentable... clothes lets say... Salvation army or value village.. they do have a variety of clothing at low cost. What is something YOU have wanted or a goal you would like to achieve.. but maybe were afraid? Don't let fear rule on everything you do. The more you get out of your comfort zone the better you will feel. That you have moved ahead. Even if it is a small thing.. it is something!!! I to have been in a very bad relationship.. for 3 years... abusive, verbally,, I was made to feel like the most vial peice of crap ever... I had no self esteem.. It happens... no matter what your financial situation is. People who do that kind of thing have no self worth... ( as in your ex and mine) so in order to feel better about themselves they must be little us. I had to find out who I was... It took me time and it was emotional..I had to deal with things I did not want to.. but I did it. And it turned out in the end.. leaving the ex the best move I ever made. I know who I am now... I know what I want in life. Life is truly what you make it... you want something.. do research find out how... and go for it. But stay away from men for now.. work on you. Trust me.. I thought a guy would replace my ex and being with someone would make my life better. But I would rather be alone and happy.. then in a bad relationship miserable. Also something you can do to meet other people.. not men but when I went to counselling.. I was refered to a group where the woman were also in abusive relationships. At first I was hesitant.. but I went (it was free) and it was good because I was embarassed that I was even in an abusive relationship.. but there were woman there from all walks of life. It was a non judgmental group and there was a counsellor there.. we all helped each other. It was a good idea I decided to go.
[QUOTE=D31;3***565] Also as far as wanting to look presentable... clothes lets say... Salvation army or value village.. they do have a variety of clothing at low cost. .[/QUOTE]

value village is fantasic. its called savers in australia. the exact same company. im at uni and work there casually and buy basically all my clothes from there. i now have so much clothes, it won't fit into my wardrobe. i had to donate a garbage bag back. trust me, you will have a field day in there and you can get some great outfits without spending much. they will also post up on their website when they have a 50% sale day coming up.
Thanks all of you for your replies. Sometimes I get so frustrated because you al have great ideas, but I've wasted so much bus far going back and forth between Goodwill and Value Village and I can almost never (I say "almost" never, because I found a pair of jeans ONCE!) find a pair of pants that covers my ankles. I'm 5'10. I'm too tall of a woman. I've been looking like a clown since I reached that height at about 14-15. And it was worst back then because I was overweight. At least now, I can fit in normal tops. I hate wearing skirts because I have hairy legs and you see all the hair folicles like thousands of little black dots on my skin. It sucks because I like my legs, but the hair is just out of control. If I shave in the morning, the hair is out by night. Same with my stupid face. And I know, I should check a doctor and I did and after 9 years of trying to figure this out and doctors never doing anything useful or helpful, I just gave up.

Somedays, I really wish I could shoot the idiot who decided ALL women would fit in a 32 inseam pant. I'm not even 6 foot tall. I just have this never ending long lower body. LOL. So many women have this problem. I know it's better in the states, I know JC penny have tall sizes and many other stores, but not in here in Canada, or at least in Ontario and Quebec. I have no means of going to the states for shopping. Getting there alone is not affordable for me.

I've been wearing the same pair of jeans for the past 2 years, everyday, except for summer when I can just buy a whole bunch of pants at Goodwill and cut them up and make capris, which is all I wear all summer. But in winter, I'm always screwed, I'm always under dressed, I'm always cold. At least, when I was more overweight, I was able to steal some lenght out of my size 22 pants. But now, I'm a size 10 and any pants I try on fully exposes my ankle. Tall pants cost $80 and up. Reitman's started having some tall, but they're all so formal and office attire like. I don't have nowhere to go with that! I've been wearing old cheap looking rayon pants all my life. I'm so sick of looking like crap because manufacturer have to charge triple the price for something that's 2 inches longer. Right now, I should be thrilled with my body: 7 years ago, I got a breast reduction because I was a EE size. I was seriously overweight too and now I'm lost all the heavyness and my back doesn't kill me anymore. My body feels better but I still hate the way I look cuz I have to wear clothes. I've always wanted that, and I still feel ridiculous because I have long legs and I literally the right to have pants. Then my next alternative is men's pants, and so I'm forced to look unfeminine and no matter what, men's pants don't fit as well as women's and it just look horrible on me!!!! GRRRRRRRR!!!
Sorry for the venting. I HHHHHHHHHHHHATE pants for what they make me look like. And yes, the next best thing is making my own pants, but I don't have the equipment yet. I check craiglists and kijiji everyday to see if I can be lucky to find some old sewing machine for like $20 that i can manage to carry in the bus or take a cab with if it's close enough to me. Trust me, the moment I can invest in a sewing machine, fabric, patterns and how to put it all together (something I have been wanting to do forever, but never had the money for it), I'm NEVER trying to buy pants or anything to fit my bottom from the store again. I can't wait to forever put a cross on that. I'm 26 and never felt good in what I was wearing. Ever. Imagine turning finally 18 and being allowed to go celebrate at a nightclub and you end up not going because they only thing you have is jeans and you can't wear jeans to that super hot night club you want to do to. Imagine having to wear a cheap short dress at your prom because all the other beautiful prom dressed make you look like a lampshade. Imagine always getting looks from co-workers why you work in an office because you're told that the dress code is formal, but all you got is men's casual pants that yes, look very unprofessional, so you're never selected to do anything to do with meeting customers, cuz you're presentable (yeah, banks can be cruel like that I realize). Being tall is worst, way worst than being overweight. At least, being overweight means there's a chance one day, you may not overweight. But I'm always going to be tall, I can't get shorter. I can't lose height. I can only get a sewing machine and never step back in a shopping mall again.

As for counselling and stuff, I found someone that I have to pay but it's cheap and I can pay by installments. Even if I was offered free counselling I wouldn't go for it, because I found this really nice eclectic therapist and I really feel that I can make progress with this person. I've tried the free type for a long time, the governments programs and all that, but they just sit there and listen and I need to be more proactive and work on solutions rather than talking crap for an hour. So it's been 1 month and a half since I started seing the therapist, so it's another one of those things that will take time and I can't look forward to anything immediate from that yet.

I'm wanting to go around and find men because it will simply give me a quick fix. I'm not gonna go around look for a relationship. How can casual sex be damaging to me if that's what I need to feel like I can be wanted by someone again. I can understand that getting attached to someone is a big no-no right now, but I'm tired of feeling like I'm old and inadequate and like I'm wasting my body. It's already bad enough I can't have children and I can never share that part of womanhood. I can't stand feeling like I'm just useless flesh. At the very least, I want to know that it can be useful to something and I want to know that someone out there, anybody, i don't even care, would one day want it. Is there really something wrong with that? Or am I such a mess I don't even know it. Well, I know I'm a mess, but I can't seem to stand being a mess AND being deprived of sex.

I don't know. I don't think I can go through another week like this.

I don't know about the support group stuff. There are women out there going through some more heavier situation than mine and I am going to feel silly talking about how all my problem was is a man that spent hours on porn, cheated and didn't have sex. I don't think people are going to take me seriously. So far, except for the healthboards, no one does. It's like, it's bad enough but it's not that bad enough.

D31, i appreciate sharing what you wrote. It good to hear that others have survived something like this and are doing well. I just don't want to be alone. I've been alone all my life. Even being with this guy, was like being alone. I feel miserable being alone because I'm a person who enjoys a community and being around people. I'm happy when there's interaction and dialog and exchanges opf ideas and energy around me. Maybe being alone works for some people and I'm sure it does, but, I can't see myself being alone anymore. I'm just sick of that too.

I'm don't think I'm trying to replace my ex or fill his void or anything. My ex was a void. So not much to fill up there. I hate him and I don't want to think about him. I don't think about him and the good times but just how much he took from me and the things I will never get back and the rest that I have to catch up on. I realized getting over him is going to be the easy part. I'll probably won't be able to be in a healthy relationship for years. I still want to have sex and I'll be damned if I'm wasting all of my young years living like a nun, involuntarily. I can't see myself preparing for another set of time of not feeling affection and feeling like no one wants to be around me.

Ok, maybe I just reach the point of being tooo needy and there's nothing to do about it. Can that happen? Maybe it's too late for me and I'm going to turn into a ***** (which really, right now, sounds like a very attractive idea!)i can't see how i'lm going to get thorugh this without depriving myself some more.
Being involved in a group would be good, sure there are others worse off.. there were in my group. But there were others just like me. My ex cheated, be littled me all the time, told me I was pathetic... and worse. And he to is a "void ".. I know that now. He is a looser. I was to good for him. It was hard for me to accept that... This ex of yours has effected you on a profound you feel worth less ( your not) I have a high sex drive as well. I had no trust for any male after and I did have "just sex" later wanted no emotional attatchment.. you know after I felt worse and worse. So after weeks of drinking and useless guys having sex with me. I decided this was not how I wanted to continue. Literally sat down and thought about what I wanted out of life.. I was so focused in the past on my ex and what he was doing.. I never thought of me. It was time. It was hard because I have always been with someone.. I took me time and I learned alot about myself. I was not sure like you where to start. As here I was.. out there alone. So a year and a half later.. here I am... I want to be a police officer.. I now volenteer for them... gaining experience. I have my own place a car.. I managed to keep my same job through all the crap. I plan on taking my Police test in the summer so I may become one. I ran into a ton of debt after being with this idiot.. more than what I made. It was hard.. but I did reseach and managed to find a way to pay it off easier. Went to counselling , focused on me. Now this is what I wanted for myself. You would have a different goal...what ever that may be...You can do it....

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