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Hello all,

I am sort of new to the site and seeking some advice. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 5 months, we have known each other for about a year. We are both single parents (I have a 5 yr old little boy and he his little boy is 3 yr old). Being single parents, we have both co-slept with our children since they were little. Since dating, we have had to sneak around while our children are sleeping just to enjoy some one on one time. Both of our children will not go to sleep unless we are laying down with them. The draw back to this is, after laying there for an hour, we usually fall asleep, in separate beds, separate roooms causing a strain on our sex life. So my thought was maybe I could sneak in his and his little ones bed after mine goes to sleep. Maybe at least this way we can get some cuddle time. Yeah, needless to say, that idea was a failure. His little one took up the whole king size bed pushing him into me while pushing me off the bed or my son would sneak in there sometime in the night leaving no room for him or me. Either way, I would end up re-treating back to the spare room and the spare bed.

I have expressed several times to my boyfriend that I feel our relationship lacks one on one time. I said I was tired of sleeping with children and was ready to work at putting them in their own bed. (No, we do not live together but he has a spare bedroom in which we turned into my little man's room so when we are over there, he feels like he has a space of his own). He agreed and supposely I thought the decision was made to work at it.

The other night we stayed at his house. We did our usual routine (bath, brushing teeth, reading books...which by the way is done completely separate with our own children in different parts of the house.) I decided this would be my first night to try and put my little boy down by himself. My boyfriend asked if I would come lay down with him and his son after my son was asleep. I thought to myself...no, that wasn't the agreement besides that would not be fair to my little boy or me. Why would I want to work on getting my child to sleep in his own bed just to go and sleep in my boyfriend's bed with his little boy. I am afraid my child would feel like I was rejecting him and by all means, I am not. So, my only solution to this was to sleep in my boyfriend's little boy's room.

The next night my boyfriend came over briefly, we got on the subject of our little boys. He basically said that he was not going to start having his little M sleep by himself until he was potty trained and he wasn't planning on potty training until the spring when it gets warm. Although I disagree with his tactics, I understand that my boyfriend is not ready to stop sleeping with his little one. So, I thought that maybe it would be best to eliminate sleepovers entirely. I don't see the point in going over there to sleep in a small little bed when I have my big bed here at my house. Now because I have made that decision, he thinks I am rejecting him because without having me spend the night, we don't have the alone time to have sex.

Am I wrong to feel this way? Am I being too harsh?

I am really looking for other people's views on this matter.

Thanks for letting me rant..
you've made a good decision.....eliminate the sleepovers
Why are you being too harsh? The whole point of the "sleepover" is so that you two would have some alone time when the children are in bed. That's obviously not happening and won't happen for several months at least.

What gets me about this guy is that he would rather you "reject" your son (in a sense) and sleep with him and his son rather than feel "rejected" himself. In other words, you and your son do all the compromising while he gets to have things done his way for his and his son's comfort. How is that fair?

Eliminate the sleepovers. Maybe that will motivate your boyfriend to help encourage his son to sleep alone so he can start having some adult time.
yes I also didn't like your Boyfriends attitude in this whole situation......
maybe this relationship just isn't ready to move to the next level......
I wouldn't pick between my kid and a boyfriend and it almost seems like that's what he wants you to do.......I don't mean I wouldn';t pick, I mean there is nothing to think about......your kid comes first.
[QUOTE=rosequartz;3421543]you've made a good decision.....eliminate the sleepovers[/QUOTE]

100% Agreed.
This is one of the many reasons why they say it's not a good idea to ever let a child get used to sleeping with you. I'm not a mother so I'm hardly an expert on child rearing, but 3 sounds a bit old to still be waiting to even start on potty training. Sounds like he's still in his single dad comfort zone and isn't wrapping his mind around the fact that he is going to have to make room in his life for you and your son if this relationship is going to move forward.

If the whole point of sleep overs is to have intimate time, and that's not happening, then you're right, it's kind of silly to do sleepovers. Tell him why exactly like you've told us here. If he can't or won't understand, maybe he's not the one.
Mary,

I don’t believe you are being too harsh. I believe instead of eliminating your sleep over’s, you should have another talk with your boyfriend and see if you both can agree to something. Eliminating the sleepovers all together might help him understand that you are in fact serious about the matter but, open communication is always best.

It is very nice that he set up one of the rooms for your son so he can feel comfortable though. That’s a step forward in ‘the man’s mind’. LoL
Also, wanted to add, I have a five year old girl. The guy that I am talking to has a five year old girl too and we have had a similar problem before with the sleep overs. My daughter sleeps with me sometimes and other times, she wants to sleep in her room which is fine. His daughter sleeps with him too but I think it’s more of, he gets her every other week and they miss each other and just want to feel that closeness.

Do you/your son or your boyfriend have joint custody with the other parent?
WOW, you all are good.....

Yes, I agree he is stuck in the "single parent" mode and can be selfish. He is aware of the "selfish" trait about himself and is working on it...I hope!!

I have expressed my feelings about this numerous times. Before, our nights would consist of meeting on the couch around 11pm for our "alone" time after the kids were asleep. After doing this for several months, I couldn't do it anymore. Onced finished, I would end up going to sleep with my son in the other bed, feeling disrespected and rather used.

He wanted us to stay the night last night. He said he'd put his little one in his bed after he went to sleep. I told him, No. I do not want his son associating going to his big boy bed because daddy's girlfriend is staying the night. He needs to work on the transistion when I am not around. So, we left.

I know for a fact that he will not work on it. He has made statements before that he likes sleeping with his son and that they have a solid night time routine in which he can get him to sleep within an hour by laying with him.

I completely understand that our children come first. I would never deny that, however; I do believe at some point, we as adults need to realize that if we take the time to give ourselves things that we need (intimacy, alone time, own space, etc...), that we are happier and make happier parents. AGREED??


~M~
[QUOTE=JulJul22;3421796]Also, wanted to add, I have a five year old girl. The guy that I am talking to has a five year old girl too and we have had a similar problem before with the sleep overs. My daughter sleeps with me sometimes and other times, she wants to sleep in her room which is fine. His daughter sleeps with him too but I think it’s more of, he gets her every other week and they miss each other and just want to feel that closeness.

Do you/your son or your boyfriend have joint custody with the other parent?[/QUOTE]

We both have full custody of our children.

His son's mother gets visitation on Tuesdays and Thursdays, if she decides to come over. However, over the course of the last couple of months, he has allowed her to keep him overnight on the weekends.

My son's father does not live in Texas. He comes to town about 3 to 4 times a year in which he gets to see my little man over the weekends.
[QUOTE=mary023;3421838]I know for a fact that he will not work on it. He has made statements before that he likes sleeping with his son and that they have a solid night time routine in which he can get him to sleep within an hour by laying with him.

I completely understand that our children come first. I would never deny that, however; I do believe at some point, we as adults need to realize that if we take the time to give ourselves things that we need (intimacy, alone time, own space, etc...), that we are happier and make happier parents. AGREED??


~M~[/QUOTE]

maybe your boyfriend is just not ready for a grown up relationship. if you know he's not going to work on it, then he's expecting you to just work around it.......don't......
I can sense that it's not going to take long for you to start feeling a lot of resentment. I'd stand my ground and might even end the relationship over this.......it's just too complicated.....and he's not making an effort.
why should you be the one to work around him?
something tells me he's not worth it.
sorry.....
Is there any way that you guys can work out a ‘kid free’ night?

Working on a relationship is hard enough but it gets stressful fast when there are children involved, especially when the parents have different ways of parenting their kids. I think this is just a road to cross, meaning, this is just another example of the hurdles that come along with combining families. I think that men are sometimes stubborn and once they get into a habit, it just takes too much effort to break it.

Not to say that this is the right way, because I’m sure some people would disagree but, maybe you can tell the children that they will get a special treat in the morning IF they sleep in their own beds. Or, what I’ve done with my daughter and my friend’s daughter is I made them a tent to sleep in. It made it fun for them and they went to sleep quite quickly once I made it fun for them. It also gave me and him some much needed alone time. Just a thought.
[QUOTE=mary023;3421838]I completely understand that our children come first. I would never deny that, however; I do believe at some point, we as adults need to realize that if we take the time to give ourselves things that we need (intimacy, alone time, own space, etc...), that we are happier and make happier parents. AGREED??[/QUOTE]

100% agreed!

My daughter turned 3 right around "the end" of my first marriage. I decided when she turned 3 I was no longer going to lay with her to fall asleep and started establishing a real bedtime routine with her ending with a story in her bed, me kissing her goodnight, and then leaving the room. My ex HATED that I "did that to her", however, he never once helped with bedtime so I didn't think it was his call to make. Anyway, enough about my drama.

Parents need their adult time. We spend all day putting our children first as good parents do. At the end of the day it is normal and healthy to put your child to bed and have that adult time. I think that is especially true as a single parent since you don't get help of a co-parent.

Honestly, I think your boyfriend is using his son as a comfort for himself. I think he is affraid of being intimate on that level with someone again because he is affraid of being hurt. His son will always provide him the unconditional love he needs. The thing is, he is hurting himself in the longrun by doing this. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do. It's all in your boyfriend's hands.
I just got off the phone with him.

JulJul ~ Do you ever feel that you are in a competition with your boyfriend regarding your children? What I mean is, everytime I mention to my boyfriend about something my son did, he immediately replies with something his son does. Half the time I find myself just listening and not commenting when he is talking about things his son does or did because it's not a competition. URGH!!!

Anyway, back to the phone call. He finally admitted he liked sleeping with his son and is not ready. He stated that last night he was working in the gargage until about 11:30pm. As he began to turn everything off, he heard his son screaming. He went in the bedroom to find him upset because he woke up and his daddy wasn't there in the bed anymore. This is where he stated, "This is why I am not ready to move him to his own bed."

Of course, I understand and that's why I am not pressuring him but he does need to respect my decision in not wanting to spend the night. When mentioning this in our phone conversation, he said he wasn't pressuring me. I mearly stated that I felt he was still in the single parent mode and I was ready for the couple mode. So, we are on two different pages. He didn't say anything but "OK" then hurried to get off the phone.

Yeah, so I think now he is upset with me for just stating the facts.
No, I would say that he has never made me feel like we were in competition. He is very understanding of my parenting and we raise our daughters pretty much the same way so….although, he does compare me to his ex wife!!! That’s not good.

We have had discussions about our differences in how we raise the girls. They are both five so we are pretty much on the same page and we both are open minded and easy to communicate with each other so….

Our problem is his ex wife and moving forward with another woman. The kids are cake!

Have a good weekend!
well im a child that used to sleep with my parents. all i can say is the sooner you get them out of this habit the better because it can drag on for years and years and years. i dont think its good for the children either and this is coming from someone who was too frightened to sleep on my own. i probably started sleeping inbetween my parents when i was about 2. i was moved from the cot(crib) into my own bed when i was old enough. dad had to take the bars off the cot and stick them around my bed to keep me in but that didnt work, i would climb over, lol. dad used to have to lay next to my bed untill i fell asleep. well that never worked because i never went to sleep and dad ended up sleeping on the floor. then it got to the point when i was in primary school and there was just no room in my parents bed for the three of us so i slept with mum and dad slept in my bed. this went on till i was about 9 or 10 years of age. im 22 now and just thinking about it, i was sleeping with my parents 12 years ago. its insane lol. but they allowed me to sleep with them. i slept with them because i was afraid of the dark and if i heard of any murders that happened, i used to always think they would be after me. i couldnt be by myself even tho i shared a room with my sister. maybe all my parents should of done was stick a paddlock on my door and let me scream. im sure i would of gotten tired and bored from crying and would of probably fallen asleep anyway, lol.





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