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Really need some advice here. I'm being consumed by feelings of jealousy and mistrust, and I need to get some outside perspective on whether or not this is founded, or just major insecurities of mine that I need to move past.

I've been with my bf for about a year now. When we got together, he had just broken up with his girlfriend of 3.5 years. So we took it slow, and didn't make it official for a while so as to allow him time to move past her (he says the breakup was mutual), and so he could make a proper decision and not fly into something that could be a rebound relationship. When he did make his decision, he seemed sure, and secure in his feelings. I have known him for years and helped him through this breakup.

Problem is.... now I'm insanely insecure about it whenever he mentions her - which is almost never, granted. But he occasionally catches up for lunch with her, and speaks on the phone to her. He doesn't inform me of this, and I don't ask. I pick it up from off-hand comments our mutual friends make. I know its not a regular thing, but still, it'd be monthly or something that they'd have contact.

Is this ok? Or should I have a right to demand that he doesn't see her?

I have tried to bring it up with him. I got very upset at an engagement party last weekend, when he talked to her on the phone for an hour cos she was "off-loading", as he called it. I asked who it was, and he told me openly that it was her, he didn't try to hide it. He also told me that was the first time they'd spoken in weeks.

I didn't deal with it well. I hid my insecurity, jealousy and paranoia. I didn't talk to him about it till the next day, and he reacted by being exasperated and slightly annoyed. He said that he was disappointed, because he thought we had a secure and trusting relationship, built upon a strong foundation over our time together, and that if I really wanted him to tell me every time he saw or spoke to her, he couldn't care less either way, but all that showed was that I didn't trust him, and that was a real shame. When I pushed it a bit and got emotional, he went on to say that it wasn't his job to constantly reassure me about us, and that if I can't move past this and am going to harbor all this secret resentment towards him about it, I need to tell him now, straight up, cos in that case he'd rather not be in a relationship at all. Abrupt, yes.

I see sense in what he said. But I can't help how I feel. He has a flirty personality in social situations, generally. And other little things that I obsess about, such as he has his profile up on a popular networking site, and he hasn't changed his status off "single" yet... and looking for "dating, friendship" Mine says "in a relationship". But then it seems so petty to ask him to change it. I think he'd see it as controlling and obsessive if I did ask him to, he reckons he never checks the site anyway, but how am i to know for sure?

Even when he was going on about this girl that started working with him, that really annoys and irritates him, I found myself getting irritated. When he revealed that she is attractive and my age, that turned into outright, hidden jealousy again.

I don't feel like I'm in a good mental state at all, and I need to move past this for the sake of this relationship... otherwise I can see that it could easily be the cause of its end. I don't even see him as much as I'd like to, cos he likes to have his time alone too, and I always obsess about what he's doing, who he's seeing, where he is... although I hide it and never ring or pry. Do you think this is a ME problem? Or are my feelings natural and founded?? What can I do about it?? Has anyone been in similar situations?

Thanks for reading... please help.





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