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This is my first boyfriend. I'm not his first girlfriend.

I've always been overweight... well, now I'm not, I have a BMI of 23, I gotta lose like 5 lbs though.

I've always been bigger than most girls and that makes me sad. Big as in taller, wider hips, overweight... never severly overweight.

However this summer (it's summer down here) I started wearing a bikini. I'm not fat but I'm still pudgy. Tomorrow I'm going to the beach with my boyfriend and I'm thinking I may wear a one piece instead.

He's never told me I'm fat. He says I am in better shape than at the beginning of our relationship though (I've lost like 15 lbs). I did exercise for a while, I lasted three full weeks and lost around 8 lbs 2 months ago. But I've gotten lazy.

See, we were talking about tomorrow and he mentioned I'd be wearing a bikini. He semed a little excited about it, although I had sent him a picture before. Well, I told him I was no supermodel in it, but I didn't look bad. He said "that's because it's been a long time since you exercised!"... I got mad because he's always telling me how I dropped exercising. I then told him "I bet you never told your ex gf that she should exercise..." he said "No, she didn't need it, she was fine".

I felt awful... his ex gf is almost as tall as me but she's skinny. I'm not dammit, and it's so hard to lose weight. I've always been so self conscious about it, but sometimes I just can't lose it and I have awfully big thighs full of cellulite. He told me he thinks I'm fine, but that he insists on exercise because I always say I'm fat. I asked him "Oh, but if I were like your ex, it'd be better right?" He was silent... after half a minute he answered "No, you're fine...". I said to him "Tell me the truth, if I were thinner it'd be better..." He said "Well, you could use some exercise".

Dammit I know it's better to hear the truth than some pity lie, but still! I hate my body, and I hate it that my boyfriend thinks his ex gf is hotter!

Why am I the only 19 year old with a saggy body? He told me it's not his fault she's thinner, and that it's my fault I feel like this because I've done nothing to change. Is this tough love or something? I hate my genes, why couldn't I be born with a smaller petite body, with no tendency to gain weight? I have Insuline Resistance too, I hate it because I can't eat nice stuff... I hate it, why was I born like this? I know he loves me, but he also says attraction is important to him, not as important as personality, but yes it's also quite important.





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