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Relationship Health Message Board


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I'm writing this because I think I just need reassurance that I am okay. I met a great guy when I was out of town on business. We became friends, went out once, just very casually, met again with a group of people, all casual outings. I came back home, and we stayed in touch, nothing special, just friends (via email). Then after about two weeks I started coming home to these emails that seemed to be leaning toward more than friends, as if someone was definitely interested. They began really pouring out information to me, like we were becoming "close" friends. Then it progressed into cute jokes, and started to become even more. I even came home one night to a phone call, which pleasantly surprised me. Then they wanted to know all about me, i.e. when my birthday was, my address, all about my family. Well, it seemed nice that someone wanted to know so much and was interested. And it all seemed sincere. They sent me something I was interested in, and also an amazing card, telling me how much they enjoyed getting to know me, how I was a "true treasure"; well, by now I was so flattered I thought, okay, let's see where this goes. The emails got better and better, and let me just say that we were evenly matched intellectually, wit, sense of humor and compassion (or so I thought). And I was there for this person when they were needing someone to talk to (a sick relative they were close to, a sibling that was hurting them). Anyway, they made a trip out to my side of the country to see their relative, but also to see me (I was their "extra incentive, I was that one special thing they couldn't get where they were"). Well, needless to say we had a wonderful two days. Things got physical, but not consummated, which I thought was just fine, because we both agreed to take it slow, and I didn't expect anything to happen. Then the emails and connection got stronger, and the phone calls better (let me just say we were on the phone 3-4 hours once a week). I even sent a cute xmas gift, nothing expensive or fancy, just "fun", and it was very well received. Then the messages kept coming in re: I miss you, (and the emails more romantic, "I wish I was there with my arms wrapped around you" etc, much more like that). I had a couple of off, so I messaged that I got the urge to get a ticket out there for New Year's Eve. It was well received. I told this person that my plan was to stay in my own place (hotel, friends place) because I didn't want to invade their space (even though they started to invite me to stay with them). Then I thought, well, maybe I'm hurting their feelings, so I said if they wanted me to I could, but that I wanted to be careful and not rush things, and that was why I wanted to do it the other way.. I got a response that, after thinking about it, why don't I plan on staying with them one night, since we would be out late, and then having my own place the second night I was there. I felt weird about that answer, and almost decided that it was a bad idea to go out there (I really wanted to see if this person was for real) but my friends all said, oh no, this is how mature people discuss things, you should go. Well, I did get my own place for two nights, because that was how I wanted to do it. I got several thank you messages for understanding, because this person "tends to go overboard in the beginning, and it has created horrible scenes and drama, and he was scarred....and scared." (okay, why didn't i see this red flag?) So I went, we had a wonderful time. Then I came back and we were going to be at a convention (common business) and planned on spending the latter part of the week together, however, I got called to leave the convention for two days (the two we had alloted for out time together) for another work-related thing. Well, he offered to change his schedule, but it wasn't necessary. The only thing he did change was spending an extra night at some friends' house so we could do something before I left town. Anyway, He missed the first two days of the convention, then when I got back on the last day (and I knew we probably wouldn't be able to spend time with each other,and wasn't expecting it) he kept asking what my plans were after it was over that day. I didn't have anything set, just some possible options of dinner with friends. We were talking with some mutual friends, and he asked where I would be because he had to speak to someone. I was in the lobby with some friends who were inviting me to dinner when I got a text message that said "I'm off to dinner now. It was good to see you." No explanation. Then he wondered why i was confused. I tried to explain it wasn't whether I saw him or not, but that the text message was so impersonal, and it threw me for a loop. He was irritated, but I thought we had ironed out what I thought was a simple miscommunication. Then i asked if there was a chance we could possibly meet up before we both left (and I only said this because for two days he was leaving messages for me saying that he would see what he could to so we could possibly connect before we left). Well, at least later he called apologizing, and seemed defensive because this "dinner" was busines. I said I know, I understand, I do the same thing you do, I know it's career stuff, this was just a simple miscommunication, let's not make a big deal about it. He asked me to come and meet him for a drink, and I said sure. We ended up staying out later than we should have, and I didn't feel all that comfortable. Anyway, three days later he emailed me saying we were incompatible because I say one thing and act another and he's very sensitive to that. I felt crushed, because #1 I'm not like that, and #2 according to our conversations and his letters and the time we did spend together it was a shock. Even my friends were saying this guy acted so into you when we met him. He even had told people three days before that we were dating, which really surprised me, since it was only the third time I had seen him since my business trip. I do remember one email he sent me re: his history--it seemed like his major decisions in life were based around some female (a girlfriend talked him out of an exchange program one year in college, his mom talked him out of travelling for year after college, he moved somewhere because a girlfriend wanted to go there (a 12-year relationship), another 2-year thing ended, there was drama and he had a hard time getting out of it, and was going to buy property with this person, but when it ended he had to move into a small place he owned. His sister is mad at him because she says he's not there enough for her....Let me tell you, I am one of the most independent people I know. I own my home, I make a living with my passion, and am about to start a new job with 6 figure salary, have never been controlling, just want to be treated respectully. Anyway, his reason for not calling me to end it was that he thought I would oppose his decision and try to dissuade him. Arrogant, or what? My only opposition was being accused of something I didn't do, and when I told him we just have different definitions of manners when it comes to people we supposedly care about he got "hurt" and then proceeded to pretty much (in a "gentle" way) turn the tables and make it my fault for him not getting done what he needed to get done, and that I should have been more understanding to the stress he was under (I had no idea he was under any, because I had been away from the convention for two days). Anyway, I am still feeling bummed about it because he seemed the "one." I have never connected with anyone so much on those levels. I feel stupid that I fell for it, even though he completely went after me, did all the initiating, pursuing. I feel like a fool, and I almost let his tableturning tactic get to me. I guess I just want reassurance that I' okay, and didn't really do anything wrong. Anyone out there had a simiar experience?





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