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I love my boyfriend and want to be with him, but there are sparks I still feel for another guy. The relationship with this other guy almost broke apart the relationship between me and my BF. I'm still with my bf but I can' t get the though of this guy out of me head...I feel like i should contact him again but I dont' think it's right and I don't know where that will lead. Read on if you're interested. I"m sorry it's so long. I just needed to rant I guess.....
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I have a boyfriend, Max. We've now been together for a little over a year and half. For one year of our relationship I have been goign to college about one hour away from where he lives. It's been hard but we see each other on the weekends, and for the most part our relationship has progressed very well despite the distance. This with him have been great. He's always been a very loving, caring and attentive boyfriend. He's always done the nicest things for me and has always been very emotional and very understanding towards my fears and my needs concerning our relationship. Max is my first real, serious boyfriend and I never once thought I would need any other man in my life besides him. That is, until a little over a month ago...

I met this guy named Sam in one of my classes at college. I instantly felt attracted to him from the first day I met him. And every time I would go to that class I would get butterflies thinking about seeing him and talking with him. I noticed that he always acted somewhat awkward around me and would stare at me from across the room. Anyway, I think I started to develop some innocent feelings for him. You know, like a crush or something. But I didn't think he'd actually recipricate those feelings. Well, anyway, on Valentines day right before class he comes over me and pulls out a rose from his backpack. I was shocked. We talked and then class started. He invited me to go hang out with him after class that evening, but knowing I had a boyfriend I initially said no. However, during class I entertained the idea in my mind and thought about how cool it would be to hang out with him and just see what he's all about. After all, It was so bold of him to do that for me, someone he barley knows. So, I did decide to hang out with him.

We went out for Sushi and I told him I had a boyfriend. He told me he already knew based on some photos he saw of me and Max on my site. During our dinner Max called several times, but I didn't pick up the phone at first. He'd be furious if he knew i was out with another guy on Vday (or in general). After dinner, I went over to Sam's house to pick up my stuff which i Had dropped off before dinner. While in his room getting my things Sam gets physical. He puts his hands on my hips and stuff, then I turn around and he sortra holds me and tries to lean in for a kiss. I tell Sam I can't ( I have a boyfriend! I don't want to cheat on my boyfriend!) and that He should walk me to the bus. Sam does, reluctantly. I go home the next day to go spend Vday weekend with Max. But When I return to school on Monday night I find myself thinking about Sam and getting really excited to see him. We make plans to go get coffee that night, and again I lie to my BF about what I'm doing. I tell him I'm going to the gym and I feel terrible for lying. Anyway, coffee with Sam turns into more than that. We go back to his house to "hang out" and "Listen to music". Well of course we get back there and he starts being physical almost immedietly. He tries to kiss me and this time i kiss back. He puts on some music and we clumsily dance around his room until we "accidentally" fall on his bed. We kiss once or twice more, no real heavy stuff and I tell him " we just need to chill". So he slows down and we end up just talking and cuddeling for the next 3 hours or so. Well, during this time Max calls a lot and when I get home I have to lie to him to say that I went to the gym but missed all his calls cuz I left my phone in my gym bag...he had suspicions that I wasn't at the gym but at this time he had no proof.

Well, to make a long story short, Max, My BF finds out about all that has been going on with Sam a week later when some crazy stuff happened with my phone and while Max was on the other line (on call waiting) my phone call with Sam cut out and he heard part of my conversatin with him. The following days with Max were really rough and upsetting. He took me back home to see him and He almost broke up with me after finding out I "cheated" on him. BHe could barely stand to look at me or touch me. It was horrible. But he decided to give me a second chance, after all I FREAKED OUT at the idea of loosing him. What's wierd is he even chose to call Sam personally and tell him that I"M with him and that Sam shoudl back off, etc. that was strange...Anyway, I"m so happy that Max decided not to break up with me and give me a second chance. It scares me so much to be without him cuz he's such a good person and he's such a huge part of me life. He's ALL i've ever known and I love him but I'm somewhat scared and overwhelmed of the idea of just being with Max for the rest of me life. I mean, that would probably happen if we kept on dating and eventually got married. We are still together now and in spite of everything that happend things are alright with us. Of course, the subject of what happened between Sam and me is still something Max and I think about and talk about. Max doesnt trust me very much anymore and now calls and texts a lot more during the day to check up on what I'm doing and where I am. I love him a lot...like I said he's all I've ever known and I totally imagine a future with this guy.

But...ever since all of this happened with Sam I can't seem to get him off my mind....He's called several times since the weekend Max found out about my brief relationship with him. But none of the times have i picked up my phoen or returned his calls. I told Max that I wouldn't, that I would cut out all contact with him. And thus far, I have kept that up but I feel so bad for Sam, and every time I look at him I want to talk to him or hug him or something. Ugh, I should not be feeling like this if I truely love and want to be iwth my boyfriend, should i? In class things are awkward because we look at each other but don't talk...I think he hates me now whereas before I feel like he liked me. I can't stand that for some reason. Even though I love Max and I want to be with him, he why can't I get the thought of Sam out of me head?? What should I do?

I'm only 20 years old and like I said, Max is my first serious boyfriend and I always thought that he would be it for me, that I wouldn't need anyone else. But now I'm questioning it? I have thougth about being with Sam but he doesn't seem like the girlfriend type. He comes off as the kind of college guy that likes to just hook up and be causaul. Though he did say he really liked me and wanted to give the "long term thing a try". Should I trust him on that? Ugh. I haven't even talked to Sam in almost 3 weeks because of Jake finding out. I don't have his phone number anymore and have recently changed mine so he doesn't call me. Should I send him a message at least to let him know how I feel? Or would that be too wierd? What should I do...is this all crazy??

Sorry for this beign so long.





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