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One month ago this week, I walked into a bar and was introduced to a man who changed my life. We didnt talk much that night, but he sang and when he did, his voice lit up the room as well as my heart. By the end of the evening, a slow song came on and several couples went up to dance. I saw him dancing with someone else and I felt a strange pang that he should have been holding me instead of the girl that was in his arms. I dont know why I would have thought so. I mean I wasnt even thinking about him the whole night, he was just sort of there in the background. But somehow he had already made an inpression on my heart. Though I cant say it was love at first sight, I can say that I have never in all my life walked into a room and been so affected by anyone as he affected me.


After the dance, I was about to leave with my friends and as I was saying goodbye I instinctively asked for his phone number, which he gladly gave to me. In less than a week I called and he sounded incredibly happy to hear from me. We made plans to meet at his house exactly a week to the day we first met (on Valentine's day ironically). We met in early afternoon because I was not working and he worked nights. We talked and laughed and sang, and something happened. I dont know what it was. But we both felt it so strongly. Though we didnt talk about our feelings, they were there. Much more than a spark, it was an explosive connection I have never felt before in my entire life. Not like that. We said our goodbyes and planned to meet again at the bar later that night. That night, Valentines night, everything changed.

I was with some friends and so was he, but we talked alot more and it was clearer to everyone around us, that the way we were looking at each other was different....intense.... I noticed that when he sat close to me or accidentally touched my hand, every atom in my body tingled. I felt euphoric...captivated, fascinated, completely in awe of him. I didnt understand what was happening. For starters he is older than me, and not my type at all. But there was something in his eyes. I was lost in them. And his smile. It was like we met before....if you believe in that kind of thing. Then being Valentines day, they played a beautifully romantic song and he asked me to dance, since we missed our chance last week. When we did, it was like a scene out of a fairytale. I still remember the way it felt to be in his arms, the way he smelled, look in his eyes. How I wanted so much to kiss him...how I wanted to press him closer to me....but we remained cordial and said a friendly goodbye when it was time to leave.

I remember going to bed feeling like I was starstruck and he was all I could think about the next day. We made plans to get together that Friday. We went back to his house and lit candles and sat in the candle glow listening to soft music just staring at eachother for hours. Before I left he asked if he could kiss me. I was so scared. I hadnt been with a man since the love of my life broke my heart into a million pieces last summer and I swore off love forever. But there was just something about this man. I wanted it even more than he did.

So we kissed and I swear I never experienced a kiss like that before. Fireworks are an understatement. I saw nuclear explosions. It was just a kiss, it didnt go further than that but I felt my soul almost leave my body. No one in my 35 years has ever given me such a feeling. We spent the next almost 3 weeks lost completely in each other. I told him I didnt want a relationship....Its still too soon for me and Im trying to get my life together. But everywhere we go its hard not to think we are in love. Its the effect we have on each other, the way we cant stop looking at each other. It was nothing short of magical. He told me he felt the same way. In 2 weeks after our first kiss he told me he is in love with me. He does everything possible to show it and express it. He sends me flowers and cards with words in them I waited my whole life to hear. He is tender, sweet, considerate, genuine, loving, adoring, wants to please me in every way. I've never met a man more giving or who had such an effect on my body as he did. Sex was an outerbody experience. It surpassed the physical for both of us. We just sit in astonishment aftwerwards looking at eachother like how could this feel so good? How can feelings like this even exist? It was perfect, heavensent, sweeter and more beautiful than anything I ever knew before. And I've had alot of relationships....never oh never felt like this.....

Yet all the while I didnt feel madly desperately in love with him, as I did with my last boyfriend. It was just a new feeling, incredibly strong and wonderfully euphoric. Not phyisically based on lust, but very tender and emotional. Like I wanted to hold him and take care of him and love him, but not that wild crazy cant get enough of you love....more mature and based on real emotions than physical pleasure. Even though the physical pleasure was off the charts! It's so hard to explain really.


Anyway, I have been lost in this magical place with him for the better part of 4 blissful weeks....where a touch of his hand made my soul feel complete. Thinking it could never and would never change. When all of a sudden it stopped....at least for me. As fiercely and beautifully as it happened, I woke up Monday morning, after one of our ususally enchanted and 2 hour long goodbyes on Sunday night, and I just didnt feel it anymore. We saw eachother yesterday and planned our ususal quiet dinner and evening alone. But when we went out and I stood next to him, I looked at him as almost for the first time and I didnt recognize the man I had been loving for the past month. He seemed different to me. I felt suddenly empty, deflated, depressed, horrified. He went to touch me and not only wasnt it euphoric, and wildly passionate, but it was uncomfortable and almost painful because it felt so different. Im not sure if its my body getting over the flu which I had or just being out of work for so long which has finally hit me and emotionally effected me, or....if my feelings for him just crashed and burned the way most of my other relationships have done. But in all my past relationships, there was always something left after the passion stopped, and even then, it never ever went from feeling THIS AMAZING, to almost nothing at all. Is this normal? Is it me? Was it all a lie I told myself? He made me so incredibly happy,and at the same time I knew somehow that it wasnt going to last...but why would it come to this crashing painful hault? He didnt do or say anything wrong or mean or hurtful to throw me out of the love we had been in. So I dont understand. He has still been his incredibly loving sweet wonderful self. We were just sitting a week ago in a restaurant unable to stop holding hands across the table and staring into each others eyes, and then suddenly.....poof! Gone!...

Last night he sensed it...how could he not? I pulled away from him...i dont know why. It just changed and I hated myself, hated my life, hated always being in this same place never really knowing lasting happiness or contentment with anyone. It hurt so much. I just wanted to run away from him, from myself. But I cant. Im a grown up and I need to deal with all of this. I dont want to hurt him or change things if this is just a temporary glitch. But thats just it, I dont know. I feel so confused and sad from being so happy....God, happier than I think Ive ever been.

So why did this happen? Why does it feel like my emotions and my body lied to me in making me feel so euphorically happy and connected to someone only for it to just dissolve this way? It doesnt make any sense. I never felt a connection to someone so strong as this. It just cant be a lie. He is still very much in love and very happy with us being together, even planning a life together. He called me and told me that I am the most important thing in his life. So what the hell happened to me? Can any woman relate to this?

If anyone can share their thoughts, I would be so grateful. I just feel so confused, so painfully alone, and lost.

Thank you...

Jarlena





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