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Re: I see no light.
Mar 21, 2008
May be I need to give myself time after the argument we had yesterday. He exchanged harsh words with me.

I miss so much. My life feels so dull.

All I want to hear is how his day was.

I would have done anything to sort this out. But it takes more than one to make things work.

I often wonder, if he came back, what would I do? Nothing. Despite my love for him, despite the hurt I feel when he isn't here, I couldn't go back. So why is it still so hard? Why do I still want to hear from him?


Cadbury, I can truly relate to what you're going through, I've been there myself. But I think you're being way too hard on yourself for still struggling with this. You compare yourself to how he dealt with it and somehow convince yourself that something's wrong with you because you can't blow it off "oh, that happened months ago" like he has done. There's nothing at all wrong with you. All it means is, as painful as it is to face, the relationship meant a great deal more to you than it did to him.

I think you're doing yourself a great disservice though, by trying to do the "just friends" thing. You know you're not just friends with him. You still love him. You still want him to show you he cares somehow. You want more than he is currently giving you. That's not friendship. That's you hanging underfoot like a love sick puppy waiting, wishing and hoping for him to change his mind, and you deserve better than that. I don't think you will really start healing until you cut off all contact with this guy. Your self esteem has been pummeled by him and every time he cancels or doesn't call, you get your teeth kicked in yet again. You've got to stop doing that to yourself. Stop putting yourself in the position of being emotionally kicked around by him. Don't give him another chance to disappoint you. Stop calling him, stop messaging him, and stop taking his calls. He'll get the message soon enough and you can move on and start building a life you can be proud of that doesn't include him. It's hard and it may take some time, but you can do it. I know you want to know that you meant something to him, that you can't just be some chick he used and tossed away, that you just HAVE to know you were more than that, but he is who he is, and so what if he didn't feel what you wanted him to feel? Who the heck is he, the king of Siam? He's human, and capable of bad judgment, wrongdoing and mistakes too.

I wish I had some good advice for you as far as letting him affect how you see yourself, but I'm still working on that one, too. It's been 10 years for me since my break up, and you know, I don't think it was really so much the break up itself, but all the stuff that happened in my life before and after I knew the guy that sort of accentuated the pain of the break up. I was never blessed with a second chance to try to love someone, and that's been really hard. I could build a multi million dollar business, cure cancer, and run a marathon, and it really wouldn't matter to me, because at the end of the day, when I come home to an empty house, I'm still just the woman who's not good enough to be loved by anyone, and that's a huge, huge HUGE thing for me. But I still live my life on my terms, and I do like being able to do that. No matter what, the truth is you WILL come out of this experience stronger, I can promise you that. You'll learn in time that you can't plan your life, your feelings, on what someone else will or won't do. I would still love to hav ean apology from my ex for the lies and the hurt, but I know I'll never get it. I know he's not sorry, and I know he never cared enough to be concerned with my feelings or my welfare. He's happy now, and that's all that matters to him. So it's up to me to find a way to be as ok as I can be accepting the fact that I trusted the wrong person. and that's all it boils down to. Making a mistake and trusting someone you shouldn't have. It happens all the time.

Just give it some time and spend the time focusing on you and on the future. Stop ALLl contact with this guy, and set aside a few minutes every day to do something nice for yourself and to count your blessings and enjoy the good in your day. I know you don't want to, and I know it seems impossible. It will be work at first, but with some practice, you'll get better at it. Hang tough. (((HUGS)))
Re: I see no light.
Mar 21, 2008
the first step in really moving on, and getting over him is to cut off all contact. No ifs, ands or buts about it.. no contact. You can't be his friend if you are still in love with him. period.

I know its hard to cut off someone who means a lot to you.. but for your own sake you have to do it.

Here is a personal example; first real love of my life, fell hard and fast for him. He dumped me about 5 months later and I was devastated, completely heartbroken. You start out calling and messaging him with questions, and tears. A few weeks go by and it still hurts but you convince yourself that you'd rather have him in your life, you convince yourself that you're fine and ready to "just be friends." About 3 months after our break up we hung out. Hung out led to having sex. I thought it all meant we were getting back together. I was very wrong. When I told him I couldn't do it anymore unless it meant we were back together he told me that we should talk for a while. It felt like I was dumped all over again.

So I took a new approach. Deleted him from contact lists and didn't call him. It hurt when he didn't call me.. b/c I knew it meant that he didn't miss me. But I had to do it. Like you, I deserved more than someone who could dispose of me. I took one day at a time, hung out with friends and family, distracted myself with school and hobbies.. and each day got easier. It took me about 6 months (9 months total) to get the point where I could think of him and not feel sad or angry.

He messaged me about a year after our break up and I was completely fine talking to him, and even hanging out. It didn't phase me. That's when I knew I was totally over him.

So my advice to you is to not call him and do not take his calls. If you need to, tell him one last time that you can't see or talk to him. If you continue seeing him and talking to him, hearing his comments.. then its like picking a scab.. the wound never heals. Focus on yourself right now; school, work, friends.. just be with yourself. Give yourself that time and space that you need in order to finally heal.

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