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i have been dating this guy for two months and we get along great. he told me early on that his best friend is, and i quote, "the only woman he's ever loved." he's since gone on to tell me in even greater detail how much he loved her and pined for her for years before she finally decided to date him. they dated for a year, realized it wasn't working, and have since remained good friends.

on the surface and in my rational mind, i know there is nothing wrong with this. in fact, it's great that they could remain friends. personally, i am not capable nor do i have any desire to remain friends with my exes for the very problem it presents to my relationship with him now. i can't shake feeling intimidated by the intimacy they share as best friends considering the role she played in the past. it makes me uncomfortable knowing how much he loved her at one point in time. i don't feel that he told me those things in malice. i really think he's just too oblivious to realize how damaging his words are. but the bottom line is: their friendship makes me uncomfortable and i don't know if i can get past it.

he and i have spoken about this for hours on end only to ultimately agree to disagree. i've always felt that people who remain friends after a break up are just holding on or have some other underlying agenda. i don't understand why he would hold onto her friendship so tightly at the detriment of us. this also caused a problem for him with other women in the past, not just me. i'm a very confident person and i rarely get jealous and if i do, i usually have good reason for it. this has become a deal breaker for me because despite his efforts, and he has been trying, he still waxes on about the love he had for her. however, he is not willing to adjust his friendship with her in any way to make me feel comfortable, i.e., distance himself or place me as a priority.

at one point, he openly compared his love for me with his love for her and he doesn't understand why that bothers me.

i am trying to gauge how this situation might make other people feel. every time i speak to him, he makes me feel like i'm the only person in the world who would have a problem with this. i think he just wants to have his cake and eat it too. i have no desire to give him an ultimatum since it would be an empty victory at best but honestly, i don't think he would choose me. your thoughts? would this be a deal breaker for anyone else?
Hmmm, yeah, I do understand why you would feel this way.

I too would be wondering - "If she comes back, or asks for him back, will he go runnning back to her? After all, he said she is the only woman he has ever loved."

He isn't making you feel desirable or the only woman in his life - and that for me would be the deal breaker.

It doesn't help you knowing that she isn't your biggest fan.

He doesn't sound like a great catch - why is he telling you all of this?

Surely, at two months, shouldn't he be on his best behaviour, in the honey moon phase, trying to impress you?

You've been dating for two months. This seems like a hell of a lot of drama, well it seems that way to me, anyway.
I have to agree. It's only been two months. And if a man I was dating were doing and saying these things to me, what I would hear is "She is paramount in my life. You'll never measure up to her, she's the most important woman who will ever be in my life and if you want to be with me you will have to settle for being second best. I love her, and that's that." I mean c'mon, is this guy really that stupid that he honestly doesn't get why you don't want to hear him carry on and on and on about how much he loves his ex lover? To him she's a friend, great, but to you, she's an ex lover. He's not being at all sensitive to that. If it is truly and completely innocent and platonic, then this guy's one of the biggest idiots I've ever heard of.

I can understand being on friendly terms with an ex, or even being friends, but best friends, and especially when he carries on and on about how much he loved/loves her and worst of all, comparing his love for her to his love for you, and even though you didn't say exactly what he said, I'm guessing you are the on who came up short in the comparison.

Being friends is one thing, but to be honest, these two sound like a lot more than just friends. It doesn't sound like he's over her, and it doesn't really sound like she's over him, either. A real friend in her position would say "oh my, I'm sorry she's annoyed. Why don't we set up a meeting or something where she can get to know me and won't be so threatened of the situation. I want for her to be comfortable with me and I want you to be happy and find love with someone!" But that's not what she told him. She is treating you like an adversary, which you wouldn't be if all she were interested in were friendship with this guy. I'd be willing to bet a rather large wad that these two will be lovers again. They are not done with each other. I'm asking myself, if they love each other soooo much and are each other's best friend, so much so that anyone who doesn't totally unconditionally accept how they want to run the relationship has to be run off, if they adore each other and need each other soooo much, then why aren't they together? My guess is, it won't be long before are asking themselves and each other the very same question. I'd give it a little more time, STOP nagging him about her totally, and see how it plays out, and not get attached or invested until you see exactly where it's headed. Good luck.





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