It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


[QUOTE=completeopposit;3513945]Honestly, I think it's immature to stay friends with exes in the first place. To me these people are simply holding on to the past and not trying to let go. For him to be friends with an ex is not an issue; he has other friends in this category. For him to be 'best' friends with an ex is another story.

I have not nor shall I ask him to end his friendship but in order for me to stay, he would have to. He can take it or leave it, hence his belly aching. Me having this desire is not immature. I know what I want and what makes me feel comfortable and I'm simply letting him know. I can get past female friends, even exes as friends, but it seems like something is up with this one.[/QUOTE]

i think you kind of contradicted yourself in this statement. you said that you think its immature to stay friends with exes in the first place, then you go on to say that for him to be friends with an ex is not an issue. sorry but that sounds like a contradiction to me and it seems like you are bothered by him being friends with an ex period. i understand he said he loved her and all this and i too would not be comfortable with that situation. i also wouldnt be comfortable with him telling her about all our problems.

but sorry, i have to disagree with you that its immature to stay friends with an ex. my boyfriend is friends with an ex. im yet to meet her but this only because they never see each other so there hasnt been an opportunity although this sunday i will be meeting her. she is in a very serious relationship herself, moved in with the guy and is pretty much engaged. her boyfriend, and myself have no problem with them being on speaking terms. they are both in their early thirties, they are adults and this is an adult friendship. now, my ex is my boyfriends best friend. they have been friends for 20 years. i met his best friend, we dated for 6 months, that didnt work out and we continued to remain friends. then all of a sudden i started hanging out with his best friend and one year later we started dating. i lost my virginity to my boyfriends best friend. he doesnt seem worried at all. im not holding onto the past by being in contact with my ex. the only reason im in contact with him anyway is because im in a relationship with his best friend. im sure over time, the friendship would of naturally dropped off to a hello once in a blue moon. besides this ex of mine is now really interested in this other girl. she likes him too and i hope they get together because you know what, id be really happy for him. so us exes are not holding onto the past, nor do we have secret agendas.
[QUOTE=shorti;3514178]i think you kind of contradicted yourself in this statement. you said that you think its immature to stay friends with exes in the first place, then you go on to say that for him to be friends with an ex is not an issue. sorry but that sounds like a contradiction to me and it seems like you are bothered by him being friends with an ex period. i understand he said he loved her and all this and i too would not be comfortable with that situation. i also wouldnt be comfortable with him telling her about all our problems.

but sorry, i have to disagree with you that its immature to stay friends with an ex. my boyfriend is friends with an ex. im yet to meet her but this only because they never see each other so there hasnt been an opportunity although this sunday i will be meeting her. she is in a very serious relationship herself, moved in with the guy and is pretty much engaged. her boyfriend, and myself have no problem with them being on speaking terms. they are both in their early thirties, they are adults and this is an adult friendship. now, my ex is my boyfriends best friend. they have been friends for 20 years. i met his best friend, we dated for 6 months, that didnt work out and we continued to remain friends. then all of a sudden i started hanging out with his best friend and one year later we started dating. i lost my virginity to my boyfriends best friend. he doesnt seem worried at all. im not holding onto the past by being in contact with my ex. the only reason im in contact with him anyway is because im in a relationship with his best friend. im sure over time, the friendship would of naturally dropped off to a hello once in a blue moon. besides this ex of mine is now really interested in this other girl. she likes him too and i hope they get together because you know what, id be really happy for him. so us exes are not holding onto the past, nor do we have secret agendas.[/QUOTE]


There is no contradiction in my belief that exes as friends are holding on and that I'm ok with his friendships in general. I do think it's immature and it's certainly not for me but I don't care if other people do it, even people I'm seeing. I have no desire to force my beliefs on anyone else. If I did, I would tell him to get rid of her point blank. It sounds to me like you are trying to justify your own situation by criticizing mine. I'm comfortable with myself inside and out and don't harbor insecurities about opposite sex friends, exes as friends, what have you. You are responding to my thread but going on about your own situation. If you're ok with that set up, great. Respect the fact that I'm not. I would never date within a friendship circle in the first place and I don't believe for one second that you don't have a secret agenda or aren't holding on. If that were true, why would you be so upset about my point of view? If you don't have anything constructive to say or a point of view to relay, please stay off my thread. I'm looking for advice, not blatant criticism.
[QUOTE=happymom28;3517310]I guess I'm having a little trouble understanding you completeopposit. In one breath you say you don't have a problem with opposite sex friendships or exgirlfriend friendships. But in the next breath you say "one has to understand how any friendship with exes is going to look to other people and make concessions for that fact". Whether you realize it or not those two statements are completely contradictory. Why should the person with this friendship have to change because of how it looks to others? Why is that person responsible for someone else's insecurities?

.[/QUOTE]

exactly the point i was making happymom28. obviously i didnt say it as well as you though. i dont think your husband has a secret agenda or is holding on and i dont think his ex is either. after all they moved on, got married and he has a child or 2 with you. what completeopposit has to realise is that if 2 people want to be together, dont you think they will be together? in happymom's situation, do u think her husband would of married her if he had a secret agenda and wanted his ex?
now you asked for other people's situations so ill explain another situation. my boyfriend was in a serious relationship with one of his exes. they were together for 4 years, he loved her and was planning on marrying her. he is still in contact with her parents, brother and uncle but he sees them once ever 1-2 years, so its not often. i was upset over this too, after all he loved the girl and wanted to marry her. he told me, dont you think if i wanted my ex, i would get her phone number off her parents and go track her down. i can easily do that if i want to but as far as im concerned she is a dead pot plant. he simply respects her parents and thinks they are good people. not only this he was talking about her at one stage. i got upset but he told me that the people he dated shaped his life today. they were a part of his life and why should he forget that? i agree with him. he loved his ex too, he wanted to buy her a ring but he doesnt love his ex anymore and from what u said in your first post, he "loved" his ex. thats past tense. did u want him to lie to you to make you feel better? he is being honest with you. as far as what you have said, he no longer loves her as a girlfriend but thinks she is a great friend. generally speaking, if people have a past and if its a long one, then these things will come up in conversation from time to time so u have to understand that. comparing exes and talking about them everyday is not acceptable no, but you cant avoid the fact that someone has a past.

the thing is completeopposit, i can understand where u are coming from because the way u feel now, is exactly the way i felt not long ago with my boyfriend talking to his exes parents so please dont think im having a go at you. im simply explaining my situation because its hard to make a point of view without explaining an experience behind it. the thing is my boyfriend is 10 years older than me so he has much more of a past than me. the thing is he also has more life experience than me and some of the points he makes are good points so thats why i now understand. i could easily write a post about how he is in contact with his exes parents and how is isnt over her but thats not the case and there is always two sides to the story.
[QUOTE=shorti;3517672]exactly the point i was making happymom28. obviously i didnt say it as well as you though. i dont think your husband has a secret agenda or is holding on and i dont think his ex is either. after all they moved on, got married and he has a child or 2 with you. what completeopposit has to realise is that if 2 people want to be together, dont you think they will be together? in happymom's situation, do u think her husband would of married her if he had a secret agenda and wanted his ex?
now you asked for other people's situations so ill explain another situation. my boyfriend was in a serious relationship with one of his exes. they were together for 4 years, he loved her and was planning on marrying her. he is still in contact with her parents, brother and uncle but he sees them once ever 1-2 years, so its not often. i was upset over this too, after all he loved the girl and wanted to marry her. he told me, dont you think if i wanted my ex, i would get her phone number off her parents and go track her down. i can easily do that if i want to but as far as im concerned she is a dead pot plant. he simply respects her parents and thinks they are good people. not only this he was talking about her at one stage. i got upset but he told me that the people he dated shaped his life today. they were a part of his life and why should he forget that? i agree with him. he loved his ex too, he wanted to buy her a ring but he doesnt love his ex anymore and from what u said in your first post, he "loved" his ex. thats past tense. did u want him to lie to you to make you feel better? he is being honest with you. as far as what you have said, he no longer loves her as a girlfriend but thinks she is a great friend. generally speaking, if people have a past and if its a long one, then these things will come up in conversation from time to time so u have to understand that. comparing exes and talking about them everyday is not acceptable no, but you cant avoid the fact that someone has a past.

the thing is completeopposit, i can understand where u are coming from because the way u feel now, is exactly the way i felt not long ago with my boyfriend talking to his exes parents so please dont think im having a go at you. im simply explaining my situation because its hard to make a point of view without explaining an experience behind it. the thing is my boyfriend is 10 years older than me so he has much more of a past than me. the thing is he also has more life experience than me and some of the points he makes are good points so thats why i now understand. i could easily write a post about how he is in contact with his exes parents and how is isnt over her but thats not the case and there is always two sides to the story.[/QUOTE]


What I think you and happymom are ignoring are the facts of my personal situation. It sounds like the two of you are fortunate enough to be with men who didn't make it an issue; good for you. My guy has made it an issue. Of course I'm asking for your success stories because you're situations are different than mine but I'm comparing notes. Telling me I'm being contradictory when I'm not is not giving advice, it's criticizing. You clearly don't agree with me. Then don't, I'm not asking you to. But you're also ignoring the facts of my situation which may be clouded by the facts of your own. It's not that I don't appreciate the perspective but trying to convince me that I'm the only person in my relationship with a problem isn't going to happen. I will never be convinced that I simply have a problem with exes as friends because I don't. I will never be convinced that I'm being contradictory because I'm not. Accept that about my story and this thread or move on. If you can't understand where I'm coming from (and there's nothing wrong with that) then you can't be of much help. At this point, you're simply starting to piss me off.





All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:45 PM.





2019 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!