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I was in a similar situation with my boyfriend. He is still friends with a couple of his ex's and good friends with one particular ex. My rationality and insecurities were at war!! lol I am friends with a few of my ex's so I "knew" that it shouldn't be an issue.. why was it ok for me, and not for him!? But my insecure side saw this one girl as a threat... they share more in common, I felt she looked better than me, I dubbed her his "what if" girl.

The difference with my situation and yours is that my boyfriend doesn't compare our relationships or remind me of how much he liked/loved her. (Maybe its because it never went that deep for him, I dont know.) I learned not to ask question I really don't want answers to. Your boyfriend is probably just trying to be honest with you, not realizing exactly what he's saying how it comes across.

You've only been together for 2 months. That's not very long.. and it's normal to have insecurities in those beginning months. You're still in the learning stages of your relationship. It is probably true that he was head over heels for this girl... but it's also true that they both realized that they just made better friends. My boyfriend and i have now been together a little over 2 yrs and I'm so thankful that I didn't let my insecurities and imagination get the best of me. I see now that him and his "What if" girl really are just not compatible.. much much better off as friends... just like me and one of my ex's.

It was about 6 months or so into our relationship where I was able to let go of a lot of those insecurities.

Tell him that you've already heard the stories and that you're glad he's been honest with you, but that he doesn't need to talk about it over and over. If he can drop the constant reminders then you can more easily work on getting passed it.
[QUOTE=completeopposit;3515113]There is no contradiction in my belief that exes as friends are holding on and that I'm ok with his friendships in general. I do think it's immature and it's certainly not for me but I don't care if other people do it, even people I'm seeing. I have no desire to force my beliefs on anyone else. If I did, I would tell him to get rid of her point blank. It sounds to me like you are trying to justify your own situation by criticizing mine. I'm comfortable with myself inside and out and don't harbor insecurities about opposite sex friends, exes as friends, what have you. You are responding to my thread but going on about your own situation. If you're ok with that set up, great. Respect the fact that I'm not. I would never date within a friendship circle in the first place and I don't believe for one second that you don't have a secret agenda or aren't holding on. If that were true, why would you be so upset about my point of view? If you don't have anything constructive to say or a point of view to relay, please stay off my thread. I'm looking for advice, not blatant criticism.[/QUOTE]

im not criticising anyone. other people have given their stories too and im just doing the same. im not forcing anything onto anyone. if you think i have a secret agenda then thats not my problem. you dont know me or the people im friends with. i responded to what YOU said that you think its immature to be friends with exes. thats your opinion, great you're entitled to it. my opionion is that its not immature. im also entitled to that opinion too. we're not kids, some people can go on to having "adult" friendships. i also went on to say about your situation is that myself also would not be happy with my boyfriend comparing myself to his exes and saying how much he loved her or whatever. no i would not be happy and would be annoyed like you. this would make anyone feel uncomfortable in this situation. i would also not be comfortable with my boyfriend talking to his ex about our problems. so yes i do see red flags here coming from your boyfriend from what you have posted. now you have only been together for 2 months, so you should still be in the honeymoon stage. tell him how u feel if u havent already and if he wont listen or understand your point of view then its up to u whether u can put up with it or move on.
[QUOTE=completeopposit;3515130].

For those who have had success in dealing with exes in your significant others lives, what are the circumstances of that? How good of friends are they? How long have they known each other? Were they friends before being lovers? how long until you were comfortable with the situation? Your help is most appreciated.[/QUOTE]

like happymom28, im having some trouble understanding you too. you shoot me down for explaining my situation, yet straight after you ask for other peoples situations. this does not make sense sorry. how on earth can we give advice if we dont explain our own experiences. dont we learn through experiences?
[QUOTE=shorti;3517672]exactly the point i was making happymom28. obviously i didnt say it as well as you though. i dont think your husband has a secret agenda or is holding on and i dont think his ex is either. after all they moved on, got married and he has a child or 2 with you. what completeopposit has to realise is that if 2 people want to be together, dont you think they will be together? in happymom's situation, do u think her husband would of married her if he had a secret agenda and wanted his ex?
now you asked for other people's situations so ill explain another situation. my boyfriend was in a serious relationship with one of his exes. they were together for 4 years, he loved her and was planning on marrying her. he is still in contact with her parents, brother and uncle but he sees them once ever 1-2 years, so its not often. i was upset over this too, after all he loved the girl and wanted to marry her. he told me, dont you think if i wanted my ex, i would get her phone number off her parents and go track her down. i can easily do that if i want to but as far as im concerned she is a dead pot plant. he simply respects her parents and thinks they are good people. not only this he was talking about her at one stage. i got upset but he told me that the people he dated shaped his life today. they were a part of his life and why should he forget that? i agree with him. he loved his ex too, he wanted to buy her a ring but he doesnt love his ex anymore and from what u said in your first post, he "loved" his ex. thats past tense. did u want him to lie to you to make you feel better? he is being honest with you. as far as what you have said, he no longer loves her as a girlfriend but thinks she is a great friend. generally speaking, if people have a past and if its a long one, then these things will come up in conversation from time to time so u have to understand that. comparing exes and talking about them everyday is not acceptable no, but you cant avoid the fact that someone has a past.

the thing is completeopposit, i can understand where u are coming from because the way u feel now, is exactly the way i felt not long ago with my boyfriend talking to his exes parents so please dont think im having a go at you. im simply explaining my situation because its hard to make a point of view without explaining an experience behind it. the thing is my boyfriend is 10 years older than me so he has much more of a past than me. the thing is he also has more life experience than me and some of the points he makes are good points so thats why i now understand. i could easily write a post about how he is in contact with his exes parents and how is isnt over her but thats not the case and there is always two sides to the story.[/QUOTE]


What I think you and happymom are ignoring are the facts of my personal situation. It sounds like the two of you are fortunate enough to be with men who didn't make it an issue; good for you. My guy has made it an issue. Of course I'm asking for your success stories because you're situations are different than mine but I'm comparing notes. Telling me I'm being contradictory when I'm not is not giving advice, it's criticizing. You clearly don't agree with me. Then don't, I'm not asking you to. But you're also ignoring the facts of my situation which may be clouded by the facts of your own. It's not that I don't appreciate the perspective but trying to convince me that I'm the only person in my relationship with a problem isn't going to happen. I will never be convinced that I simply have a problem with exes as friends because I don't. I will never be convinced that I'm being contradictory because I'm not. Accept that about my story and this thread or move on. If you can't understand where I'm coming from (and there's nothing wrong with that) then you can't be of much help. At this point, you're simply starting to piss me off.





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