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i have been dating this guy for two months and we get along great. he told me early on that his best friend is, and i quote, "the only woman he's ever loved." he's since gone on to tell me in even greater detail how much he loved her and pined for her for years before she finally decided to date him. they dated for a year, realized it wasn't working, and have since remained good friends.

on the surface and in my rational mind, i know there is nothing wrong with this. in fact, it's great that they could remain friends. personally, i am not capable nor do i have any desire to remain friends with my exes for the very problem it presents to my relationship with him now. i can't shake feeling intimidated by the intimacy they share as best friends considering the role she played in the past. it makes me uncomfortable knowing how much he loved her at one point in time. i don't feel that he told me those things in malice. i really think he's just too oblivious to realize how damaging his words are. but the bottom line is: their friendship makes me uncomfortable and i don't know if i can get past it.

he and i have spoken about this for hours on end only to ultimately agree to disagree. i've always felt that people who remain friends after a break up are just holding on or have some other underlying agenda. i don't understand why he would hold onto her friendship so tightly at the detriment of us. this also caused a problem for him with other women in the past, not just me. i'm a very confident person and i rarely get jealous and if i do, i usually have good reason for it. this has become a deal breaker for me because despite his efforts, and he has been trying, he still waxes on about the love he had for her. however, he is not willing to adjust his friendship with her in any way to make me feel comfortable, i.e., distance himself or place me as a priority.

at one point, he openly compared his love for me with his love for her and he doesn't understand why that bothers me.

i am trying to gauge how this situation might make other people feel. every time i speak to him, he makes me feel like i'm the only person in the world who would have a problem with this. i think he just wants to have his cake and eat it too. i have no desire to give him an ultimatum since it would be an empty victory at best but honestly, i don't think he would choose me. your thoughts? would this be a deal breaker for anyone else?
I was in a similar situation with my boyfriend. He is still friends with a couple of his ex's and good friends with one particular ex. My rationality and insecurities were at war!! lol I am friends with a few of my ex's so I "knew" that it shouldn't be an issue.. why was it ok for me, and not for him!? But my insecure side saw this one girl as a threat... they share more in common, I felt she looked better than me, I dubbed her his "what if" girl.

The difference with my situation and yours is that my boyfriend doesn't compare our relationships or remind me of how much he liked/loved her. (Maybe its because it never went that deep for him, I dont know.) I learned not to ask question I really don't want answers to. Your boyfriend is probably just trying to be honest with you, not realizing exactly what he's saying how it comes across.

You've only been together for 2 months. That's not very long.. and it's normal to have insecurities in those beginning months. You're still in the learning stages of your relationship. It is probably true that he was head over heels for this girl... but it's also true that they both realized that they just made better friends. My boyfriend and i have now been together a little over 2 yrs and I'm so thankful that I didn't let my insecurities and imagination get the best of me. I see now that him and his "What if" girl really are just not compatible.. much much better off as friends... just like me and one of my ex's.

It was about 6 months or so into our relationship where I was able to let go of a lot of those insecurities.

Tell him that you've already heard the stories and that you're glad he's been honest with you, but that he doesn't need to talk about it over and over. If he can drop the constant reminders then you can more easily work on getting passed it.
My husband is also really good friends with one of his exgirlfriends. They ultimately decided that they made much better friends. When I met my husband he told me all about her and has mentioned the word "love" in reference to her, but he assured me it was only as he would love any of his friends (and he is a wonderful friend). Even though she lived in another state they talked all of the time for hours on end. They were very close. The first time she came out here when we were dating he insisted I go out with them and meet her. He knew that if I met her I would fall in love with her too. Now, I have to admit, I was intimidated. I mean, they had 10 years of history and we had been dating 2 months. But he was right. She is a great person and now one of my best friends.

But enough about my situation. I would be intimidated too if I were in your situation. I mean, who would be comfortable with their boyfriend comparing his past relationship with their own? I think it's normal to be intimidated by opposite sex friendships (especially with exes) that you don't know much about. But have you met her yet? I have a feeling that if you actually meet her and get to know her you will see that they are friends for a reason. All his (badly chosen) words may be an effort to try to get you to see that she is a great friend to him. If you really do care for him then try to get to her and their friendship. The more you know the less intimidated you will feel. At least, that was how it was for me.
[QUOTE=happymom28;3513864]My husband is also really good friends with one of his exgirlfriends. They ultimately decided that they made much better friends. When I met my husband he told me all about her and has mentioned the word "love" in reference to her, but he assured me it was only as he would love any of his friends (and he is a wonderful friend). Even though she lived in another state they talked all of the time for hours on end. They were very close. The first time she came out here when we were dating he insisted I go out with them and meet her. He knew that if I met her I would fall in love with her too. Now, I have to admit, I was intimidated. I mean, they had 10 years of history and we had been dating 2 months. But he was right. She is a great person and now one of my best friends.
But enough about my situation.[/QUOTE]

What an admirable story!
[QUOTE=CyberNick;3513877]It's not so much the friendship that would bother me, but more that he compares you to her and consistently talks about how much he used to love her. I mean yeah, it's fine that she's the only girl he ever loved and that's all good and well. But does he really need to talk about how great she was and how you measure up to her?

I personally don't agree with being good friends with exes, especially best friends. It is almost never possible to salvage a decent relationship after the pain of a breakup in my opinion, and if you do there's usually lingering feelings and emotions leftover from the times you had and spent together anyways. With the few exes I have kept in touch with it's usually a hello every few odd months or years just to see if they're still alive.

I don't think I could date someone who was best friends with an ex-boyfriend and who compared me to him on top of that. Everyone has different thresholds of what they will and won't tolerate, and it's just about finding your own lines and boundaries that you are comfortable with. It's okay not to be cool with this, a lot of people I know would not be. But some people I'm sure wouldn't care at all.

The only thing you can really do is to communicate how all of this is making you see him. It may get better in time, it may not, but as long as he knows how you feel then it's really up to him to decide how to act and up to you to decide if you will tolerate it or not.[/QUOTE]


That makes a lot of sense, thank you. I have definitely communicated how I feel and his response is to tell me that I can get over it, not that he's willing to make any compromises or concessions. I suppose reassuring me that [I]he [/I]thinks that I can get over it should be good enough but it's not. I've tried ending it with him on Sunday night and last night only to be met with a lot of resistance and feet stamping about resenting me if he lost his best friend. I think he has also already made up his mind. Ironically, he says he will resent her if I leave him. To me, this is the situation he created for himself but honestly, I'm sure that they will keep on keepin on. Such is life. Thanks for listening.
I have to agree. It's only been two months. And if a man I was dating were doing and saying these things to me, what I would hear is "She is paramount in my life. You'll never measure up to her, she's the most important woman who will ever be in my life and if you want to be with me you will have to settle for being second best. I love her, and that's that." I mean c'mon, is this guy really that stupid that he honestly doesn't get why you don't want to hear him carry on and on and on about how much he loves his ex lover? To him she's a friend, great, but to you, she's an ex lover. He's not being at all sensitive to that. If it is truly and completely innocent and platonic, then this guy's one of the biggest idiots I've ever heard of.

I can understand being on friendly terms with an ex, or even being friends, but best friends, and especially when he carries on and on about how much he loved/loves her and worst of all, comparing his love for her to his love for you, and even though you didn't say exactly what he said, I'm guessing you are the on who came up short in the comparison.

Being friends is one thing, but to be honest, these two sound like a lot more than just friends. It doesn't sound like he's over her, and it doesn't really sound like she's over him, either. A real friend in her position would say "oh my, I'm sorry she's annoyed. Why don't we set up a meeting or something where she can get to know me and won't be so threatened of the situation. I want for her to be comfortable with me and I want you to be happy and find love with someone!" But that's not what she told him. She is treating you like an adversary, which you wouldn't be if all she were interested in were friendship with this guy. I'd be willing to bet a rather large wad that these two will be lovers again. They are not done with each other. I'm asking myself, if they love each other soooo much and are each other's best friend, so much so that anyone who doesn't totally unconditionally accept how they want to run the relationship has to be run off, if they adore each other and need each other soooo much, then why aren't they together? My guess is, it won't be long before are asking themselves and each other the very same question. I'd give it a little more time, STOP nagging him about her totally, and see how it plays out, and not get attached or invested until you see exactly where it's headed. Good luck.
[I]"For those who have had success in dealing with exes in your significant others lives, what are the circumstances of that? How good of friends are they? How long have they known each other? Were they friends before being lovers? how long until you were comfortable with the situation? Your help is most appreciated."[/I]

My boyfriend and the ex I mentioned in my first post were classmates who started off as friends, then shortly after became a couple. They only dated a few months. Then my boyfriend broke it off with her b/c she was very up and down emotionally and at that point in his life he really didn't want something so unstable, he couldn't be there for her the way she needed him to be. I'm not sure if there was a time period between their breakup and their friendship.. but I know that they've been friends now for about 5 years, including their short relationship. I never really voiced my insecurities about their friendship until my boyfriend and I were together for about a year. So the circumstances of their friendship was just my own mind going back and forth with my rationality vs. my insecurities. Once i met her, hung out with her and their mutual friends my insecurities lessened and lessened. The one time I asked about their relationship (that's when I got the minor details about why they broke up) my boyfriend told me that now he cares for her like a sister, that he sees now that their personalities work as friends, but clash in a relationship. Jim and I were together for about 5-6 months when my intimidation faded. We've been together for just over 2 yrs and their friendship is not a problem with me. I'm no longer threatened at all by her. Once I became totally secure with Jim and our future, I let go of any relationship insecurities and intimidation that I felt in the beginning.
[QUOTE=completeopposit;3515130]For those who have had success in dealing with exes in your significant others lives, what are the circumstances of that? How good of friends are they? How long have they known each other? Were they friends before being lovers? how long until you were comfortable with the situation? Your help is most appreciated.[/QUOTE]

Like I said in a previous post, my husband and his ex have been good friends for a long time. She had just moved from the midwest when they met. They hit it off as friends very well. My husband set her up with a friend of his and vice versa. Things didn't work out with those relationships, but there was no weirdness. They found themselves single and figured, "if we get along so well why not give it try?". This was a few years into their friendship. They never faught or anything, they just both felt like it was dating a brother or sister. So they went back to the way things were. She ended up moving back to the midwest right before I met my husband. He told me all about her as we were talking and getting to know eachother. When I met her (and her fiance which my husband never mentioned) I was put at ease. She was so nice and sweet and seemed genuinely happy for him. The other friend that came to dinner that night was the friend of her's that she set my husband up with and her husband. They were all just nice people and there was nothing to be insecure with. She now lives about 2 hours away from us. We all get together about once a month and spend the night at eachother's home. She is my youngest daughter's Godmother. My kids call her "auntie". I think of her as my husband's sister because that's how he views her. I don't see anything wrong with that.
I don't see where she's waffling at all. She's saying that she can see that it's OK to be friends with an EX that you've realized that you just aren't that into them and there's nothing sexual there...her case is different, he's saying basically that they aren't dating eachother(she hasn't said why they don't date anymore-is it just because she moved away?) but he still loves her more than anyone else ever! Usually when someone decides to stay friends, they do it because they get along real good but there's no sparks. My guess is that the minute she moves back to town (after college?) then they will be right back together because they are still in love with eachother. And another thing he has going against him is that he's running to the Otherwoman to tell her everything that she says...that is a big fat NONO!!!!!

You may have said but why are they not dating anymore since she's apparently the love of his life?:confused:
[QUOTE=shorti;3517672]exactly the point i was making happymom28. obviously i didnt say it as well as you though. i dont think your husband has a secret agenda or is holding on and i dont think his ex is either. after all they moved on, got married and he has a child or 2 with you. what completeopposit has to realise is that if 2 people want to be together, dont you think they will be together? in happymom's situation, do u think her husband would of married her if he had a secret agenda and wanted his ex?
now you asked for other people's situations so ill explain another situation. my boyfriend was in a serious relationship with one of his exes. they were together for 4 years, he loved her and was planning on marrying her. he is still in contact with her parents, brother and uncle but he sees them once ever 1-2 years, so its not often. i was upset over this too, after all he loved the girl and wanted to marry her. he told me, dont you think if i wanted my ex, i would get her phone number off her parents and go track her down. i can easily do that if i want to but as far as im concerned she is a dead pot plant. he simply respects her parents and thinks they are good people. not only this he was talking about her at one stage. i got upset but he told me that the people he dated shaped his life today. they were a part of his life and why should he forget that? i agree with him. he loved his ex too, he wanted to buy her a ring but he doesnt love his ex anymore and from what u said in your first post, he "loved" his ex. thats past tense. did u want him to lie to you to make you feel better? he is being honest with you. as far as what you have said, he no longer loves her as a girlfriend but thinks she is a great friend. generally speaking, if people have a past and if its a long one, then these things will come up in conversation from time to time so u have to understand that. comparing exes and talking about them everyday is not acceptable no, but you cant avoid the fact that someone has a past.

the thing is completeopposit, i can understand where u are coming from because the way u feel now, is exactly the way i felt not long ago with my boyfriend talking to his exes parents so please dont think im having a go at you. im simply explaining my situation because its hard to make a point of view without explaining an experience behind it. the thing is my boyfriend is 10 years older than me so he has much more of a past than me. the thing is he also has more life experience than me and some of the points he makes are good points so thats why i now understand. i could easily write a post about how he is in contact with his exes parents and how is isnt over her but thats not the case and there is always two sides to the story.[/QUOTE]


What I think you and happymom are ignoring are the facts of my personal situation. It sounds like the two of you are fortunate enough to be with men who didn't make it an issue; good for you. My guy has made it an issue. Of course I'm asking for your success stories because you're situations are different than mine but I'm comparing notes. Telling me I'm being contradictory when I'm not is not giving advice, it's criticizing. You clearly don't agree with me. Then don't, I'm not asking you to. But you're also ignoring the facts of my situation which may be clouded by the facts of your own. It's not that I don't appreciate the perspective but trying to convince me that I'm the only person in my relationship with a problem isn't going to happen. I will never be convinced that I simply have a problem with exes as friends because I don't. I will never be convinced that I'm being contradictory because I'm not. Accept that about my story and this thread or move on. If you can't understand where I'm coming from (and there's nothing wrong with that) then you can't be of much help. At this point, you're simply starting to piss me off.





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