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i have been dating this guy for two months and we get along great. he told me early on that his best friend is, and i quote, "the only woman he's ever loved." he's since gone on to tell me in even greater detail how much he loved her and pined for her for years before she finally decided to date him. they dated for a year, realized it wasn't working, and have since remained good friends.

on the surface and in my rational mind, i know there is nothing wrong with this. in fact, it's great that they could remain friends. personally, i am not capable nor do i have any desire to remain friends with my exes for the very problem it presents to my relationship with him now. i can't shake feeling intimidated by the intimacy they share as best friends considering the role she played in the past. it makes me uncomfortable knowing how much he loved her at one point in time. i don't feel that he told me those things in malice. i really think he's just too oblivious to realize how damaging his words are. but the bottom line is: their friendship makes me uncomfortable and i don't know if i can get past it.

he and i have spoken about this for hours on end only to ultimately agree to disagree. i've always felt that people who remain friends after a break up are just holding on or have some other underlying agenda. i don't understand why he would hold onto her friendship so tightly at the detriment of us. this also caused a problem for him with other women in the past, not just me. i'm a very confident person and i rarely get jealous and if i do, i usually have good reason for it. this has become a deal breaker for me because despite his efforts, and he has been trying, he still waxes on about the love he had for her. however, he is not willing to adjust his friendship with her in any way to make me feel comfortable, i.e., distance himself or place me as a priority.

at one point, he openly compared his love for me with his love for her and he doesn't understand why that bothers me.

i am trying to gauge how this situation might make other people feel. every time i speak to him, he makes me feel like i'm the only person in the world who would have a problem with this. i think he just wants to have his cake and eat it too. i have no desire to give him an ultimatum since it would be an empty victory at best but honestly, i don't think he would choose me. your thoughts? would this be a deal breaker for anyone else?
I was in a similar situation with my boyfriend. He is still friends with a couple of his ex's and good friends with one particular ex. My rationality and insecurities were at war!! lol I am friends with a few of my ex's so I "knew" that it shouldn't be an issue.. why was it ok for me, and not for him!? But my insecure side saw this one girl as a threat... they share more in common, I felt she looked better than me, I dubbed her his "what if" girl.

The difference with my situation and yours is that my boyfriend doesn't compare our relationships or remind me of how much he liked/loved her. (Maybe its because it never went that deep for him, I dont know.) I learned not to ask question I really don't want answers to. Your boyfriend is probably just trying to be honest with you, not realizing exactly what he's saying how it comes across.

You've only been together for 2 months. That's not very long.. and it's normal to have insecurities in those beginning months. You're still in the learning stages of your relationship. It is probably true that he was head over heels for this girl... but it's also true that they both realized that they just made better friends. My boyfriend and i have now been together a little over 2 yrs and I'm so thankful that I didn't let my insecurities and imagination get the best of me. I see now that him and his "What if" girl really are just not compatible.. much much better off as friends... just like me and one of my ex's.

It was about 6 months or so into our relationship where I was able to let go of a lot of those insecurities.

Tell him that you've already heard the stories and that you're glad he's been honest with you, but that he doesn't need to talk about it over and over. If he can drop the constant reminders then you can more easily work on getting passed it.
My husband is also really good friends with one of his exgirlfriends. They ultimately decided that they made much better friends. When I met my husband he told me all about her and has mentioned the word "love" in reference to her, but he assured me it was only as he would love any of his friends (and he is a wonderful friend). Even though she lived in another state they talked all of the time for hours on end. They were very close. The first time she came out here when we were dating he insisted I go out with them and meet her. He knew that if I met her I would fall in love with her too. Now, I have to admit, I was intimidated. I mean, they had 10 years of history and we had been dating 2 months. But he was right. She is a great person and now one of my best friends.

But enough about my situation. I would be intimidated too if I were in your situation. I mean, who would be comfortable with their boyfriend comparing his past relationship with their own? I think it's normal to be intimidated by opposite sex friendships (especially with exes) that you don't know much about. But have you met her yet? I have a feeling that if you actually meet her and get to know her you will see that they are friends for a reason. All his (badly chosen) words may be an effort to try to get you to see that she is a great friend to him. If you really do care for him then try to get to her and their friendship. The more you know the less intimidated you will feel. At least, that was how it was for me.
[QUOTE=happymom28;3513864]My husband is also really good friends with one of his exgirlfriends. They ultimately decided that they made much better friends. When I met my husband he told me all about her and has mentioned the word "love" in reference to her, but he assured me it was only as he would love any of his friends (and he is a wonderful friend). Even though she lived in another state they talked all of the time for hours on end. They were very close. The first time she came out here when we were dating he insisted I go out with them and meet her. He knew that if I met her I would fall in love with her too. Now, I have to admit, I was intimidated. I mean, they had 10 years of history and we had been dating 2 months. But he was right. She is a great person and now one of my best friends.
But enough about my situation.[/QUOTE]

What an admirable story!
[QUOTE=CyberNick;3513877]It's not so much the friendship that would bother me, but more that he compares you to her and consistently talks about how much he used to love her. I mean yeah, it's fine that she's the only girl he ever loved and that's all good and well. But does he really need to talk about how great she was and how you measure up to her?

I personally don't agree with being good friends with exes, especially best friends. It is almost never possible to salvage a decent relationship after the pain of a breakup in my opinion, and if you do there's usually lingering feelings and emotions leftover from the times you had and spent together anyways. With the few exes I have kept in touch with it's usually a hello every few odd months or years just to see if they're still alive.

I don't think I could date someone who was best friends with an ex-boyfriend and who compared me to him on top of that. Everyone has different thresholds of what they will and won't tolerate, and it's just about finding your own lines and boundaries that you are comfortable with. It's okay not to be cool with this, a lot of people I know would not be. But some people I'm sure wouldn't care at all.

The only thing you can really do is to communicate how all of this is making you see him. It may get better in time, it may not, but as long as he knows how you feel then it's really up to him to decide how to act and up to you to decide if you will tolerate it or not.[/QUOTE]


That makes a lot of sense, thank you. I have definitely communicated how I feel and his response is to tell me that I can get over it, not that he's willing to make any compromises or concessions. I suppose reassuring me that [I]he [/I]thinks that I can get over it should be good enough but it's not. I've tried ending it with him on Sunday night and last night only to be met with a lot of resistance and feet stamping about resenting me if he lost his best friend. I think he has also already made up his mind. Ironically, he says he will resent her if I leave him. To me, this is the situation he created for himself but honestly, I'm sure that they will keep on keepin on. Such is life. Thanks for listening.
Honestly, I think it's immature to stay friends with exes in the first place. To me these people are simply holding on to the past and not trying to let go. For him to be friends with an ex is not an issue; he has other friends in this category. For him to be 'best' friends with an ex is another story.

I have not nor shall I ask him to end his friendship but in order for me to stay, he would have to. He can take it or leave it, hence his belly aching. Me having this desire is not immature. I know what I want and what makes me feel comfortable and I'm simply letting him know. I can get past female friends, even exes as friends, but it seems like something is up with this one.
If you can't accept his friendship with this ex then you shouldn't be together. You may not believe in being friends with an ex for some reason or another, and that is your right. But it is also his right to be friends with whomever he chooses.

I just don't think the two of you are compatible. There are plenty of people out there who feel the same way you do about exes being friends. Heck, I use to be one of them. Instead of beating a dead horse with a guy who will not drop his friend for you why don't you find a guy who feels the same way as you do about the subject? No matter how inappropriate you feel their friendship to be you can't expect him to change it for you. When you get into a relationship you either accept them as they are or you move on. Don't get caught up in the idea of trying to change someone because I've never seen it happen.
I have to agree. It's only been two months. And if a man I was dating were doing and saying these things to me, what I would hear is "She is paramount in my life. You'll never measure up to her, she's the most important woman who will ever be in my life and if you want to be with me you will have to settle for being second best. I love her, and that's that." I mean c'mon, is this guy really that stupid that he honestly doesn't get why you don't want to hear him carry on and on and on about how much he loves his ex lover? To him she's a friend, great, but to you, she's an ex lover. He's not being at all sensitive to that. If it is truly and completely innocent and platonic, then this guy's one of the biggest idiots I've ever heard of.

I can understand being on friendly terms with an ex, or even being friends, but best friends, and especially when he carries on and on about how much he loved/loves her and worst of all, comparing his love for her to his love for you, and even though you didn't say exactly what he said, I'm guessing you are the on who came up short in the comparison.

Being friends is one thing, but to be honest, these two sound like a lot more than just friends. It doesn't sound like he's over her, and it doesn't really sound like she's over him, either. A real friend in her position would say "oh my, I'm sorry she's annoyed. Why don't we set up a meeting or something where she can get to know me and won't be so threatened of the situation. I want for her to be comfortable with me and I want you to be happy and find love with someone!" But that's not what she told him. She is treating you like an adversary, which you wouldn't be if all she were interested in were friendship with this guy. I'd be willing to bet a rather large wad that these two will be lovers again. They are not done with each other. I'm asking myself, if they love each other soooo much and are each other's best friend, so much so that anyone who doesn't totally unconditionally accept how they want to run the relationship has to be run off, if they adore each other and need each other soooo much, then why aren't they together? My guess is, it won't be long before are asking themselves and each other the very same question. I'd give it a little more time, STOP nagging him about her totally, and see how it plays out, and not get attached or invested until you see exactly where it's headed. Good luck.
[QUOTE=Larrylou'smom;3514088]
I can understand being on friendly terms with an ex, or even being friends, but best friends, and especially when he carries on and on about how much he loved/loves her and worst of all, comparing his love for her to his love for you, and even though you didn't say exactly what he said, I'm guessing you are the on who came up short in the comparison.
[/QUOTE]


Surprisingly, he tells me that he's never felt the way he feels about me before. He definitely made comparisons but I came out on top. I'm still bothered that he felt the need to make the comparison in the first place, regardless of how he feels for me. He actually considered the comparison a compliment. And that let me know that she's on a pedestal when being compared to her should be deemed flattering.

By the way, thanks for the great responses from everyone. I was looking for a broad perspective and I appreciate everyone's input. Please continue!
[QUOTE=completeopposit;3513945]Honestly, I think it's immature to stay friends with exes in the first place. To me these people are simply holding on to the past and not trying to let go. For him to be friends with an ex is not an issue; he has other friends in this category. For him to be 'best' friends with an ex is another story.

I have not nor shall I ask him to end his friendship but in order for me to stay, he would have to. He can take it or leave it, hence his belly aching. Me having this desire is not immature. I know what I want and what makes me feel comfortable and I'm simply letting him know. I can get past female friends, even exes as friends, but it seems like something is up with this one.[/QUOTE]

i think you kind of contradicted yourself in this statement. you said that you think its immature to stay friends with exes in the first place, then you go on to say that for him to be friends with an ex is not an issue. sorry but that sounds like a contradiction to me and it seems like you are bothered by him being friends with an ex period. i understand he said he loved her and all this and i too would not be comfortable with that situation. i also wouldnt be comfortable with him telling her about all our problems.

but sorry, i have to disagree with you that its immature to stay friends with an ex. my boyfriend is friends with an ex. im yet to meet her but this only because they never see each other so there hasnt been an opportunity although this sunday i will be meeting her. she is in a very serious relationship herself, moved in with the guy and is pretty much engaged. her boyfriend, and myself have no problem with them being on speaking terms. they are both in their early thirties, they are adults and this is an adult friendship. now, my ex is my boyfriends best friend. they have been friends for 20 years. i met his best friend, we dated for 6 months, that didnt work out and we continued to remain friends. then all of a sudden i started hanging out with his best friend and one year later we started dating. i lost my virginity to my boyfriends best friend. he doesnt seem worried at all. im not holding onto the past by being in contact with my ex. the only reason im in contact with him anyway is because im in a relationship with his best friend. im sure over time, the friendship would of naturally dropped off to a hello once in a blue moon. besides this ex of mine is now really interested in this other girl. she likes him too and i hope they get together because you know what, id be really happy for him. so us exes are not holding onto the past, nor do we have secret agendas.
[QUOTE=shorti;3514178]i think you kind of contradicted yourself in this statement. you said that you think its immature to stay friends with exes in the first place, then you go on to say that for him to be friends with an ex is not an issue. sorry but that sounds like a contradiction to me and it seems like you are bothered by him being friends with an ex period. i understand he said he loved her and all this and i too would not be comfortable with that situation. i also wouldnt be comfortable with him telling her about all our problems.

but sorry, i have to disagree with you that its immature to stay friends with an ex. my boyfriend is friends with an ex. im yet to meet her but this only because they never see each other so there hasnt been an opportunity although this sunday i will be meeting her. she is in a very serious relationship herself, moved in with the guy and is pretty much engaged. her boyfriend, and myself have no problem with them being on speaking terms. they are both in their early thirties, they are adults and this is an adult friendship. now, my ex is my boyfriends best friend. they have been friends for 20 years. i met his best friend, we dated for 6 months, that didnt work out and we continued to remain friends. then all of a sudden i started hanging out with his best friend and one year later we started dating. i lost my virginity to my boyfriends best friend. he doesnt seem worried at all. im not holding onto the past by being in contact with my ex. the only reason im in contact with him anyway is because im in a relationship with his best friend. im sure over time, the friendship would of naturally dropped off to a hello once in a blue moon. besides this ex of mine is now really interested in this other girl. she likes him too and i hope they get together because you know what, id be really happy for him. so us exes are not holding onto the past, nor do we have secret agendas.[/QUOTE]


There is no contradiction in my belief that exes as friends are holding on and that I'm ok with his friendships in general. I do think it's immature and it's certainly not for me but I don't care if other people do it, even people I'm seeing. I have no desire to force my beliefs on anyone else. If I did, I would tell him to get rid of her point blank. It sounds to me like you are trying to justify your own situation by criticizing mine. I'm comfortable with myself inside and out and don't harbor insecurities about opposite sex friends, exes as friends, what have you. You are responding to my thread but going on about your own situation. If you're ok with that set up, great. Respect the fact that I'm not. I would never date within a friendship circle in the first place and I don't believe for one second that you don't have a secret agenda or aren't holding on. If that were true, why would you be so upset about my point of view? If you don't have anything constructive to say or a point of view to relay, please stay off my thread. I'm looking for advice, not blatant criticism.
[I]"For those who have had success in dealing with exes in your significant others lives, what are the circumstances of that? How good of friends are they? How long have they known each other? Were they friends before being lovers? how long until you were comfortable with the situation? Your help is most appreciated."[/I]

My boyfriend and the ex I mentioned in my first post were classmates who started off as friends, then shortly after became a couple. They only dated a few months. Then my boyfriend broke it off with her b/c she was very up and down emotionally and at that point in his life he really didn't want something so unstable, he couldn't be there for her the way she needed him to be. I'm not sure if there was a time period between their breakup and their friendship.. but I know that they've been friends now for about 5 years, including their short relationship. I never really voiced my insecurities about their friendship until my boyfriend and I were together for about a year. So the circumstances of their friendship was just my own mind going back and forth with my rationality vs. my insecurities. Once i met her, hung out with her and their mutual friends my insecurities lessened and lessened. The one time I asked about their relationship (that's when I got the minor details about why they broke up) my boyfriend told me that now he cares for her like a sister, that he sees now that their personalities work as friends, but clash in a relationship. Jim and I were together for about 5-6 months when my intimidation faded. We've been together for just over 2 yrs and their friendship is not a problem with me. I'm no longer threatened at all by her. Once I became totally secure with Jim and our future, I let go of any relationship insecurities and intimidation that I felt in the beginning.
[QUOTE=completeopposit;3515130]For those who have had success in dealing with exes in your significant others lives, what are the circumstances of that? How good of friends are they? How long have they known each other? Were they friends before being lovers? how long until you were comfortable with the situation? Your help is most appreciated.[/QUOTE]

Like I said in a previous post, my husband and his ex have been good friends for a long time. She had just moved from the midwest when they met. They hit it off as friends very well. My husband set her up with a friend of his and vice versa. Things didn't work out with those relationships, but there was no weirdness. They found themselves single and figured, "if we get along so well why not give it try?". This was a few years into their friendship. They never faught or anything, they just both felt like it was dating a brother or sister. So they went back to the way things were. She ended up moving back to the midwest right before I met my husband. He told me all about her as we were talking and getting to know eachother. When I met her (and her fiance which my husband never mentioned) I was put at ease. She was so nice and sweet and seemed genuinely happy for him. The other friend that came to dinner that night was the friend of her's that she set my husband up with and her husband. They were all just nice people and there was nothing to be insecure with. She now lives about 2 hours away from us. We all get together about once a month and spend the night at eachother's home. She is my youngest daughter's Godmother. My kids call her "auntie". I think of her as my husband's sister because that's how he views her. I don't see anything wrong with that.
I don't think it's an issue that he is friends with his ex but I do have an issue with him comparing you guys. It's wrong, and you've only been together for 2 months. I feel like if even if you were to get to know her although she doesn't seem to like you, she could still be a problem. For him, having both of you means two different people he can run to. I think he likes the attention. He probably enjoys the fact that his ex doesn't like you and you don't like his ex. That way when your mad at him he can run to her and when he's mad at her he can run to you. I feel like if he is manipulating you by comparing you and telling you about how much he loved her. He is keeping you on your toes, some men love it when women get jealous although they might not admit it. It's an ego boost for him. And just remember that she doesn't like you now, and even if you were to get to know her, the minute you guys get into an argument, he will run back to her and she'll take his side.

If I were you I'd leave him now.
[QUOTE=jen52983;3515468]I agree that he shouldn't have compared you two.. but after reading a few of your responses on that I get the impression that he thought he was complementing you, letting you know that you're soooo much better then the only other girl he ever had strong feelings for. It may have been a bone-head way to do it, but I don't think he had hurtful intentions or was playing games.[/QUOTE]


I don't believe it was ill intended either. If I did, I wouldn't be debating anything, I would've walked away a while ago. I do believe that he cares for me but I believe he cares for her too. I don't know if I can share. I really care for him and I'm trying to justify this behavior but he keeps making it worse the more we try to speak about it. He's just so unwilling to see how I feel. And blancanieve is right as well. He's already been running to her when we have problems which is a huge reason why this bothers me. I even told him that I need him on [I]my[/I] team, not hers. There's nothing wrong with going to your friends when you have a problem but going to "the only woman that you ever loved" to talk about me makes me uncomfortable. It's the way he's represented her and the fact that she's his closest friend. There's something fishy about that, right???
[I]He's just so unwilling to see how I feel. And blancanieve is right as well. He's already been running to her when we have problems which is a huge reason why this bothers me. I even told him that I need him on my team, not hers. There's nothing wrong with going to your friends when you have a problem but going to "the only woman that you ever loved" to talk about me makes me uncomfortable. It's the way he's represented her and the fact that she's his closest friend. There's something fishy about that, right???[/I]

You and I have a difference of opinion on remaining close friends with an ex so I don't think it's fishy that she is his closest friend... but since its a new relationship I totally understand why you do. I've been there, so I do honestly get that.

I do agree that he shouldn't be running back to her telling her everything you're saying. My boyfriend did the same thing to me with a different ex of his in the first 3 months of our relationship. Lucky for me, as soon as I told him that it made me feel like crap that he would do that, and that it was rude of him and made me feel secondary he never did it again.

Unfortunately I think this is something that can be blamed on guys just not thinking like girls. Not that it's an excuse.. just saying... they don't really get what the big deal is about passing along the information. If your boyfriend continues to tell her what you say, then its disrespectful and that, to me, is more of the issue then their friendship. You're flat out asking him not to repeat what you say to her and he is choosing to ignore your justified request.

He needs to find the balance between confiding in a trusted friend and respecting his girlfriend. I think you can get over the fact that they're friends if he is willing and able to meet you half way on certain things. I'm not going to tell you that you should end it with him, b/c I don't see this as an unsolvable problem. I think there's some miscommunication, stubbornness, and insecurities issues.. all of which can be over come.. if you are both willing to compromise and work together on that.
[QUOTE=completeopposit;3515113]There is no contradiction in my belief that exes as friends are holding on and that I'm ok with his friendships in general. I do think it's immature and it's certainly not for me but I don't care if other people do it, even people I'm seeing. I have no desire to force my beliefs on anyone else. If I did, I would tell him to get rid of her point blank. It sounds to me like you are trying to justify your own situation by criticizing mine. I'm comfortable with myself inside and out and don't harbor insecurities about opposite sex friends, exes as friends, what have you. You are responding to my thread but going on about your own situation. If you're ok with that set up, great. Respect the fact that I'm not. I would never date within a friendship circle in the first place and I don't believe for one second that you don't have a secret agenda or aren't holding on. If that were true, why would you be so upset about my point of view? If you don't have anything constructive to say or a point of view to relay, please stay off my thread. I'm looking for advice, not blatant criticism.[/QUOTE]

im not criticising anyone. other people have given their stories too and im just doing the same. im not forcing anything onto anyone. if you think i have a secret agenda then thats not my problem. you dont know me or the people im friends with. i responded to what YOU said that you think its immature to be friends with exes. thats your opinion, great you're entitled to it. my opionion is that its not immature. im also entitled to that opinion too. we're not kids, some people can go on to having "adult" friendships. i also went on to say about your situation is that myself also would not be happy with my boyfriend comparing myself to his exes and saying how much he loved her or whatever. no i would not be happy and would be annoyed like you. this would make anyone feel uncomfortable in this situation. i would also not be comfortable with my boyfriend talking to his ex about our problems. so yes i do see red flags here coming from your boyfriend from what you have posted. now you have only been together for 2 months, so you should still be in the honeymoon stage. tell him how u feel if u havent already and if he wont listen or understand your point of view then its up to u whether u can put up with it or move on.
[QUOTE=jennie250;3517164]Personally, I don't think anyone should give up a friendships because of girlfriend of boyfriend. Friends are important, they matter even once we have a partner. My husband is friends with an ex girlfriend, doesn't bother me, and has women freinds. The way I see it, I trust him, and if he wanted to be with her, he would have been. I see nothing wrong with staying friends, sometimes people date and realize they make better friends, not a big deal. I would say if this bothers you that much, this isn't the guy for you. You guys obviously have different ideas about relationships so why not just end it reather than him having to end a friendship just for you ( which I don't think he should by the way, if any guy ever told me to end a friendship or stop doing things I like to do, he would be gone)[/QUOTE]


I think you may have missed the point a bit. The issue isn't me asking him to stop being friends with someone. The issue is that he has made me uncomfortable about his friendship with a particular person and whether or not there's more to that or if I'm simply being insecure. I've said several times on this thread, I'm not bothered by opposite sex/ex friendships. He's made this one out to be much more than that, or has he? That's the question. But you're right, no one's ever going to tell me what to do but at the same time, one has to understand how any friendships with exes is going to look to other people and make concessions for that fact. That's just being considerate. My guy hasn't done that, hence the problem. I definitely think this scenario is fine in theory but in my particular situation, there are some caveats.
The way I see it is, he has every right to be friends with whomever he wants to be friends with and LOVE whomever he wants to LOVE but you also have every right to not accept that and leave this relationship. I know that if I were beginning to date a man that was still in love with his ex gf and told me that he loved her more that anyone else...I'd be outta there so fast his head would spin right off his skinny *** neck! Ya know, relationships are hard enough without another woman in the picture to stir up discontent! To add a little bit to this...I've been in a relationship that I had to compete for affection with an EX and I will never ever do that again as long as I live. Certainly NO you don't have any right to tell him he can't hang around that woman but you certainly do have the right to leave!
Some people just realize, after attempting a dating relationship, that they are better off as friends after all. That's a fact. So it has nothing to do with "holding on" to someone to be friends with an ex. I'm still friends with only one of my ex's, who is now married, although I'm single. I know that I have no desire to ever get back with him again but I like having him in my life as a friend. He still can make me laugh, which is cool. And his wife has met me several times and feels fine about me being friends with him. Of course the rest of my ex's can go to hell and I never want to see them again, but that's because they're idiots.

Anyway, my point is that you're making a lot of generalizations based off your own opinion, which doesn't really have much merit in other peoples' lives. Just because you feel a certain way about it doesn't mean that it's the only way. And besides, I still can't see why you can't just try to be the better person and be friendly toward her and see how it goes. If she lives as far away as you said she does, then she's not a threat anyway, so you can just quit judging her and try to be nice. If nothing else, it will show her that you can take the high road, and maybe she will follow suit. You really have nothing to lose by attempting to be nice.
I don't see where she's waffling at all. She's saying that she can see that it's OK to be friends with an EX that you've realized that you just aren't that into them and there's nothing sexual there...her case is different, he's saying basically that they aren't dating eachother(she hasn't said why they don't date anymore-is it just because she moved away?) but he still loves her more than anyone else ever! Usually when someone decides to stay friends, they do it because they get along real good but there's no sparks. My guess is that the minute she moves back to town (after college?) then they will be right back together because they are still in love with eachother. And another thing he has going against him is that he's running to the Otherwoman to tell her everything that she says...that is a big fat NONO!!!!!

You may have said but why are they not dating anymore since she's apparently the love of his life?:confused:
[QUOTE=happymom28;3517310]I guess I'm having a little trouble understanding you completeopposit. In one breath you say you don't have a problem with opposite sex friendships or exgirlfriend friendships. But in the next breath you say "one has to understand how any friendship with exes is going to look to other people and make concessions for that fact". Whether you realize it or not those two statements are completely contradictory. Why should the person with this friendship have to change because of how it looks to others? Why is that person responsible for someone else's insecurities?

You are obviously not okay with this friendship and that is your right. I am not by any means saying that you are not entitled to that opinion. You have a right not to like it just as much as he has a right to have that friendship. But expecting someone to make "concessions" based on how his friendship looks to you is ridiculous. What kind of "concessions" do you expect him to make? You said that you wouldn't change for someone so why do you expect someone to change for you?

This is what I meant when I said you have to accept someone for who they are or not be with him. This friend is part of his life and not someone he plans on getting rid of. You either need to accept that fact or move on.[/QUOTE]


This is not contradictory. For the third time, I don't have a problem with opposite sex friendships or friendships with exes. He has many female friends and remains friends with other exes. Why would I pick on this one if it were a problem for me inherently? There are consequences to every action every person makes. If he expects the world to accept his friendship as a friendship, then he should present it as a friendship. He has not done that. I have every right to ask and expect him to take my feelings into consideration if he wants me and this friend around at the same time. That's part of being in a relationship, compromising and taking care of the feelings of the one you're with. Accepting someone as is involves accepting that he works a low paying job that he enjoys or accepting that he is overweight and may always be. It does not, however, involve him making statements that negatively impact our relationship without regard to my feelings and letting that be ok. Every person on this earth has the right to ask for fair treatment. Most people, including him, don't even realize they're doing it or that it's hurting others. As much as I should accept that he has this ex as a friend, he should accept that the way he speaks of her makes me uncomfortable, by your logic. He can take or leave that. What's wrong with my asking him to do so which involves him accepting [I]me[/I] and keeping me in his life? I don't think I'm wrong for asking for that and to just allow people to persist in this sort of bad behavior is not only doing a disservice to your relationship but to the other person as well. As I said, most people aren't even aware of the damage they're doing and in regards to my thread, you're ignoring the damage that has been done. It takes two people for a relationship to thrive or faulter.
[QUOTE=shorti;3517672]exactly the point i was making happymom28. obviously i didnt say it as well as you though. i dont think your husband has a secret agenda or is holding on and i dont think his ex is either. after all they moved on, got married and he has a child or 2 with you. what completeopposit has to realise is that if 2 people want to be together, dont you think they will be together? in happymom's situation, do u think her husband would of married her if he had a secret agenda and wanted his ex?
now you asked for other people's situations so ill explain another situation. my boyfriend was in a serious relationship with one of his exes. they were together for 4 years, he loved her and was planning on marrying her. he is still in contact with her parents, brother and uncle but he sees them once ever 1-2 years, so its not often. i was upset over this too, after all he loved the girl and wanted to marry her. he told me, dont you think if i wanted my ex, i would get her phone number off her parents and go track her down. i can easily do that if i want to but as far as im concerned she is a dead pot plant. he simply respects her parents and thinks they are good people. not only this he was talking about her at one stage. i got upset but he told me that the people he dated shaped his life today. they were a part of his life and why should he forget that? i agree with him. he loved his ex too, he wanted to buy her a ring but he doesnt love his ex anymore and from what u said in your first post, he "loved" his ex. thats past tense. did u want him to lie to you to make you feel better? he is being honest with you. as far as what you have said, he no longer loves her as a girlfriend but thinks she is a great friend. generally speaking, if people have a past and if its a long one, then these things will come up in conversation from time to time so u have to understand that. comparing exes and talking about them everyday is not acceptable no, but you cant avoid the fact that someone has a past.

the thing is completeopposit, i can understand where u are coming from because the way u feel now, is exactly the way i felt not long ago with my boyfriend talking to his exes parents so please dont think im having a go at you. im simply explaining my situation because its hard to make a point of view without explaining an experience behind it. the thing is my boyfriend is 10 years older than me so he has much more of a past than me. the thing is he also has more life experience than me and some of the points he makes are good points so thats why i now understand. i could easily write a post about how he is in contact with his exes parents and how is isnt over her but thats not the case and there is always two sides to the story.[/QUOTE]


What I think you and happymom are ignoring are the facts of my personal situation. It sounds like the two of you are fortunate enough to be with men who didn't make it an issue; good for you. My guy has made it an issue. Of course I'm asking for your success stories because you're situations are different than mine but I'm comparing notes. Telling me I'm being contradictory when I'm not is not giving advice, it's criticizing. You clearly don't agree with me. Then don't, I'm not asking you to. But you're also ignoring the facts of my situation which may be clouded by the facts of your own. It's not that I don't appreciate the perspective but trying to convince me that I'm the only person in my relationship with a problem isn't going to happen. I will never be convinced that I simply have a problem with exes as friends because I don't. I will never be convinced that I'm being contradictory because I'm not. Accept that about my story and this thread or move on. If you can't understand where I'm coming from (and there's nothing wrong with that) then you can't be of much help. At this point, you're simply starting to piss me off.
[QUOTE=completeopposit;3520701] Accept that about my story and this thread or move on. If you can't understand where I'm coming from (and there's nothing wrong with that) then you can't be of much help. At this point, you're simply starting to piss me off.[/QUOTE]

you have to understand that when you come to a public forum, you have to accept that everyone has a different opinion. you cant expect the answers to be the ones that you want. i have not ignored any facts as i already said that i wouldnt be happy with my boyfriend comparing myself to his ex. after 2 months i would of moved on. this girl in his life was friends with him before he met you, so you have to accept that this is the way their friendship is. he is not going to change for you so can you accept it or not? if you cant, then move on and find a man that treats you like a queen, a man that deserves to be with you because clearly your boyfriend doesnt deserve to be with you.





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