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[QUOTE=completeopposit;3515130]For those who have had success in dealing with exes in your significant others lives, what are the circumstances of that? How good of friends are they? How long have they known each other? Were they friends before being lovers? how long until you were comfortable with the situation? Your help is most appreciated.[/QUOTE]

Like I said in a previous post, my husband and his ex have been good friends for a long time. She had just moved from the midwest when they met. They hit it off as friends very well. My husband set her up with a friend of his and vice versa. Things didn't work out with those relationships, but there was no weirdness. They found themselves single and figured, "if we get along so well why not give it try?". This was a few years into their friendship. They never faught or anything, they just both felt like it was dating a brother or sister. So they went back to the way things were. She ended up moving back to the midwest right before I met my husband. He told me all about her as we were talking and getting to know eachother. When I met her (and her fiance which my husband never mentioned) I was put at ease. She was so nice and sweet and seemed genuinely happy for him. The other friend that came to dinner that night was the friend of her's that she set my husband up with and her husband. They were all just nice people and there was nothing to be insecure with. She now lives about 2 hours away from us. We all get together about once a month and spend the night at eachother's home. She is my youngest daughter's Godmother. My kids call her "auntie". I think of her as my husband's sister because that's how he views her. I don't see anything wrong with that.
[QUOTE=completeopposit;3515113]There is no contradiction in my belief that exes as friends are holding on and that I'm ok with his friendships in general. I do think it's immature and it's certainly not for me but I don't care if other people do it, even people I'm seeing. I have no desire to force my beliefs on anyone else. If I did, I would tell him to get rid of her point blank. It sounds to me like you are trying to justify your own situation by criticizing mine. I'm comfortable with myself inside and out and don't harbor insecurities about opposite sex friends, exes as friends, what have you. You are responding to my thread but going on about your own situation. If you're ok with that set up, great. Respect the fact that I'm not. I would never date within a friendship circle in the first place and I don't believe for one second that you don't have a secret agenda or aren't holding on. If that were true, why would you be so upset about my point of view? If you don't have anything constructive to say or a point of view to relay, please stay off my thread. I'm looking for advice, not blatant criticism.[/QUOTE]

im not criticising anyone. other people have given their stories too and im just doing the same. im not forcing anything onto anyone. if you think i have a secret agenda then thats not my problem. you dont know me or the people im friends with. i responded to what YOU said that you think its immature to be friends with exes. thats your opinion, great you're entitled to it. my opionion is that its not immature. im also entitled to that opinion too. we're not kids, some people can go on to having "adult" friendships. i also went on to say about your situation is that myself also would not be happy with my boyfriend comparing myself to his exes and saying how much he loved her or whatever. no i would not be happy and would be annoyed like you. this would make anyone feel uncomfortable in this situation. i would also not be comfortable with my boyfriend talking to his ex about our problems. so yes i do see red flags here coming from your boyfriend from what you have posted. now you have only been together for 2 months, so you should still be in the honeymoon stage. tell him how u feel if u havent already and if he wont listen or understand your point of view then its up to u whether u can put up with it or move on.
[QUOTE=happymom28;3517310]I guess I'm having a little trouble understanding you completeopposit. In one breath you say you don't have a problem with opposite sex friendships or exgirlfriend friendships. But in the next breath you say "one has to understand how any friendship with exes is going to look to other people and make concessions for that fact". Whether you realize it or not those two statements are completely contradictory. Why should the person with this friendship have to change because of how it looks to others? Why is that person responsible for someone else's insecurities?

.[/QUOTE]

exactly the point i was making happymom28. obviously i didnt say it as well as you though. i dont think your husband has a secret agenda or is holding on and i dont think his ex is either. after all they moved on, got married and he has a child or 2 with you. what completeopposit has to realise is that if 2 people want to be together, dont you think they will be together? in happymom's situation, do u think her husband would of married her if he had a secret agenda and wanted his ex?
now you asked for other people's situations so ill explain another situation. my boyfriend was in a serious relationship with one of his exes. they were together for 4 years, he loved her and was planning on marrying her. he is still in contact with her parents, brother and uncle but he sees them once ever 1-2 years, so its not often. i was upset over this too, after all he loved the girl and wanted to marry her. he told me, dont you think if i wanted my ex, i would get her phone number off her parents and go track her down. i can easily do that if i want to but as far as im concerned she is a dead pot plant. he simply respects her parents and thinks they are good people. not only this he was talking about her at one stage. i got upset but he told me that the people he dated shaped his life today. they were a part of his life and why should he forget that? i agree with him. he loved his ex too, he wanted to buy her a ring but he doesnt love his ex anymore and from what u said in your first post, he "loved" his ex. thats past tense. did u want him to lie to you to make you feel better? he is being honest with you. as far as what you have said, he no longer loves her as a girlfriend but thinks she is a great friend. generally speaking, if people have a past and if its a long one, then these things will come up in conversation from time to time so u have to understand that. comparing exes and talking about them everyday is not acceptable no, but you cant avoid the fact that someone has a past.

the thing is completeopposit, i can understand where u are coming from because the way u feel now, is exactly the way i felt not long ago with my boyfriend talking to his exes parents so please dont think im having a go at you. im simply explaining my situation because its hard to make a point of view without explaining an experience behind it. the thing is my boyfriend is 10 years older than me so he has much more of a past than me. the thing is he also has more life experience than me and some of the points he makes are good points so thats why i now understand. i could easily write a post about how he is in contact with his exes parents and how is isnt over her but thats not the case and there is always two sides to the story.
[QUOTE=shorti;3517672]exactly the point i was making happymom28. obviously i didnt say it as well as you though. i dont think your husband has a secret agenda or is holding on and i dont think his ex is either. after all they moved on, got married and he has a child or 2 with you. what completeopposit has to realise is that if 2 people want to be together, dont you think they will be together? in happymom's situation, do u think her husband would of married her if he had a secret agenda and wanted his ex?
now you asked for other people's situations so ill explain another situation. my boyfriend was in a serious relationship with one of his exes. they were together for 4 years, he loved her and was planning on marrying her. he is still in contact with her parents, brother and uncle but he sees them once ever 1-2 years, so its not often. i was upset over this too, after all he loved the girl and wanted to marry her. he told me, dont you think if i wanted my ex, i would get her phone number off her parents and go track her down. i can easily do that if i want to but as far as im concerned she is a dead pot plant. he simply respects her parents and thinks they are good people. not only this he was talking about her at one stage. i got upset but he told me that the people he dated shaped his life today. they were a part of his life and why should he forget that? i agree with him. he loved his ex too, he wanted to buy her a ring but he doesnt love his ex anymore and from what u said in your first post, he "loved" his ex. thats past tense. did u want him to lie to you to make you feel better? he is being honest with you. as far as what you have said, he no longer loves her as a girlfriend but thinks she is a great friend. generally speaking, if people have a past and if its a long one, then these things will come up in conversation from time to time so u have to understand that. comparing exes and talking about them everyday is not acceptable no, but you cant avoid the fact that someone has a past.

the thing is completeopposit, i can understand where u are coming from because the way u feel now, is exactly the way i felt not long ago with my boyfriend talking to his exes parents so please dont think im having a go at you. im simply explaining my situation because its hard to make a point of view without explaining an experience behind it. the thing is my boyfriend is 10 years older than me so he has much more of a past than me. the thing is he also has more life experience than me and some of the points he makes are good points so thats why i now understand. i could easily write a post about how he is in contact with his exes parents and how is isnt over her but thats not the case and there is always two sides to the story.[/QUOTE]


What I think you and happymom are ignoring are the facts of my personal situation. It sounds like the two of you are fortunate enough to be with men who didn't make it an issue; good for you. My guy has made it an issue. Of course I'm asking for your success stories because you're situations are different than mine but I'm comparing notes. Telling me I'm being contradictory when I'm not is not giving advice, it's criticizing. You clearly don't agree with me. Then don't, I'm not asking you to. But you're also ignoring the facts of my situation which may be clouded by the facts of your own. It's not that I don't appreciate the perspective but trying to convince me that I'm the only person in my relationship with a problem isn't going to happen. I will never be convinced that I simply have a problem with exes as friends because I don't. I will never be convinced that I'm being contradictory because I'm not. Accept that about my story and this thread or move on. If you can't understand where I'm coming from (and there's nothing wrong with that) then you can't be of much help. At this point, you're simply starting to piss me off.
Ok, I'm going to jump in here. I totally understand what you are saying here completeopposite. The guy I'm dating was on the phone (a couple of years ago I think!) and I overheard him say "I love you too". Of course when he hung up I was furious! He was talking to his ex, who is an alcoholic among other things, and she had called him to complain about her day and she said "I love you" to end the conversation and he said it back. He claimed that it was the only way to get her off the phone. Well I can think of a way...hang up, or don't answer! Anyway, HE got mad at me & said that he did love her and that he would probably love her for the rest of his life and there was nothing I could do about it! Then he said although he loved her, he could never be with her because she'd hurt him too many times for him to trust her (she cheated on him many times) and that I should understand that he was with me because he wanted to be. Well that did not make me feel much better, but 2 years later I'm still there and she rarely is around anymore. He does still talk to her but he asked me to move in a couple of weeks ago. So to get back on point (your issue), I can understand how much words like that can devastate you. If he doesn't understand that then he is not putting any consideration into your feelings and you will have to decide if this woman in his life is a "deal breaker". But just remember, he has chosen to be with you and not her and there must be a pretty good reason for that.
my view. i generally find if you make an emotional plea with guys, they get annoyed. so, if i were you, I'd confront this head-on, no frills, lay-down-the law.
I also agree with, I think the majority of responders, that being a friend to an ex is okay, and no one should have to give up a true friendship with an ex for a new partner, but these comparisons and him talking about his love for her, his confiding about you guys, and her not liking you, is STUPID and not worth it. The options I would see for myself are:
A. if you want to put in the effort for such a new relationship,teach him how stupid his comments are (I used to make some stupid comments in relationships and only by getting them, did I realize why they shouldn't be said...if someone had explained it to me, I would have probably saved some heart-ache on both ends, but I just didn't know).
B. Leave him. I agree with some pps, this should be your honeymoon stage.
C. Point blank, look him in the eye and say next time he brings up how much he loves her: "Listen. I am not your therapist and I don't want to listen about your feelings for her. I am okay with your friendship but I don't want you to confide our problems to her nor do I want to hear comparisons between us."
and leave it at that. I wouldn't argue anymore or discuss it further. I would say it casually but firmly, then go back to whatever else I was doing before. You'll probably shock him with this cool and collected but assertive approach. Its black-and-white, point blank communication with no threats, anger, or ultimatums Then wait and see what he does. if he keeps bringing her up, you pretty much know that that will be your future with him.

hope I helped!





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