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really ashamed of having to throw my dirty laundry to the wind once more.. and I'm sorry about typoes or grammatical errors. also, I'm sorry for the long read, I'm a really winded person :x I really think I need some serious help.. I even considered seeing a psychiatrist or something, but I dont really have the money for that atm.. for the record, I'm almost 24 and she's almost 22..

in january we went through a messy breakup.. I live in california and she move back out to be with some of her family and friends all the way out in delaware.. Things were really confusing because of the way she tends to act.. her reasons for leaving me were pretty open and closed, on the surface she blamed it on me having diffuculty finding a job better than my current one (I did at the last week, but she said it was too late) though now I pretty much gather that the reason why she left was 1:

there was an incident early in our relationship, like first week early. we had just started going out and I got an instant message from my recent ex who really did a number by cheating on me. I was pissed and I wanted to get her back, make her hurt. she was flirting with me and I thought it'd be a perfect opportunity to record what she was saying and send it to her new bf to ruin them. not very mature I know, so I played along with the chat and saved it. even though the next few weeks I really started to get to know my new gf and figured it wsnt worth trying to get back at people who werent worth it, and I just forgot about that stupid childish thing. unfortunately, half a year later, we kinda moved in with each other.. and what did she find on my computer but that file, I didnt even remember it was there. But I tried explaining over and over, that i didnt make that because I was cheating on her or anything, I didnt mean anything I said in the text, I was pretty much acting so it appeared on text so I could piss off that other guy. I just forgot it was ever there. and she saw that as me having cheated on her... this hung over my head during every argument that ever happened after that..

(is that considered cheating? I didnt even mean anything I said, it was all pretty much blackmail/framing material for revenge -_- I was stupid back then I know it was a bad thing to do, which is why I never went through with sending it.)

the second thing, she found that I had looked at adult websites twice (I didnt try to cover any of it up or lie either, when she asked me, I just told her straight without guilt) but she apperantly said that I was lying to her because the first time I said that I was sorry and wouldnt do it anymore. but when I said that I thought she was half joking. its just a common thing nowadays and she didnt seem too serious. only after the second time she told me how much it apperantly offended her.

now with "You cheated on me" and "you looked at porn and lied to me" under her belt, seeming not to change no matter how I explain it to her, january comes and she leaves me, saying she gave me almost 2 years to change my ways... apperantly the looking at porn #2 meant that I... never changed..? I dont even know how her mind sorts these facts. During the relationship, I did everything I could to make her happy, even when she wanted me to just go out and get a better job, I spent every other day going out and filling out app's, I put 200% into everything I did for her, but since I "cheated on her" and then "lied to her" she feels that she can no longer trust me.

theres the reason for the breakup. My feelings on it. She was being totally irrational, and MAJORLY over-reacted, and is holding a rediculous grudge. In my opinion totally immature. The breakup was messy. me.. yeah, I ended up crying and begging. before she left to get the ticket she told me if she noticed that I "could be a better person" she'd come back. even saying that she did still love me.

pretty much once she arrived there, she started ignoring me, only really talking to me about once a week or so if I was lucky over emails and things. I was pissed at the sudden change of heart.. and started looking through these forums, seeking some kind of advice... some people suggested that I stopped trying to contact her. which was easy since I barely heard from her anyway... but a few weeks later something happened and cut through all my defenses, she started talking to me telling me how much she misses me, and still loves me and whatnot... of course, I tried to maintain what I could of my strength but half of me turned to mush, I was happy till the end of that week when she suddenly "had to think about it" again. after another week, she decided she likes it with her friends and family there and doesnt wish to move back over here to be with me, that she still loves me but doesnt want to leave... weeks later she suddenly tells me to stop trying to talk to her, theres apperantly some guy in the picture now and he's getting pissed at the fact that she's still talking to me (rare as it is)

I was ready to be pissed and start the grieving process over again, when she starts contacting me again after a couple weeks appologizing for pretty much giving me the massive cold shoulder and treating me like shit, saying she was trying to get me to forget about her because she's trying to forget her feelings for me... her story now is that she still loves me, but still feels like she cant trust me (that + the distance, and now + this new guy) and its apperantly hard to stop loving me, but its painful or whatever. but when the topic of trying again comes up, she says that because of the trust/etc issues, we just cant be together. during the last conversation she seemed to flip-flop back and forth so many times from "I still care about you, its so hard to stop loving you" and "I cant love you.. we cant be together, it hurts too much" My head was litirally spinning.

I.... I cant go on like this. She can be very unreasonable.. her mind changes like the freaking wind.. I dont know whats really going on in her head... but the thing is, I do love her so much.. I lived with her for almost 2 years, I was really thinking about committing my life to her :/ aside from whenever we'd fight about that STUPID thing which she wont drop and always exadurates. our relationship was really good... but right now, its hard for me to tear away and not talk to her because of these blasted feelings of loving her and missing her. Whenever I build up enough resolve and anger and logic to say.

"She's mistreating you, she's not considering your feelings, you're being played like a fool, she's too immature, look at how she's acting, theres even another guy involved now"

the other guy, she says is someone who's liked her for a long time, she doesnt know how she feels about him and is giving him a shot. she says she's constantly comparing him to me without meaning to. is this truth or bull? only god knows with this girl.

I can logicly point out so many of the things she's done wrong, against me, and with her messed up hair-trigger warped logic of hers... and how much this is HURTING me.. how she's treating me like shit that doesnt matter at times, and then suddenly dangling that carrot in front of my face again every now and then to start the cycle all over again... we were also best friends other than when we got together, and even that relationship is suffering greatly..

even if I can logically list these things.. my emotions do much more than get in the way... I cant help myself but to respond if she tries to contact me.. I cant help but wish things could change, she could grow up and see that the things she's so pissy about arent even that big a deal (I could have went out with/kissed/slept with someone, but it was a scripted text file saved to my computer with the intention of revenge.. also... I looked at porn twice... that make me the devil? I hear a 'hell no' resounding from some dark corner, its so damn common nowadays) that maybe we could try again and be happy...

I really love this girl, but she's royally pissing me off... and I think my brain is losing to my heart big time, and the rest of me is just in so much pain ><

I know I'm an idiot, so you dont have to tell me that.. would anyone have any words of wisdom or advice for me? (is she being unreasonable and stupid? or is she right and I'm the stupid one for defending myself) thanks so much in advance..

ps: part of me wonders if my emotional attatchment is mostly my love for her, or maybe the fact that I'm scared I cant find other people.. I know the whole, other fish in the sea thing, and the fact that I'm young.... but I'm not like most people... I dont go out often, I dont do the whole bar/party thing.. and I'm not the type to just randomly talk to people in malls or anything like that. plus, I'm picky.. I want a nice girl, not just some random media drivin wana-be "bad girl" which I seem to see a lot of lately... seeing as how unless I made some serious lifestyle changes, I dont know how I'd ever meet someone else, I'm kinda scared... major lifestyle changes being the whole party/going out thing and being "wild" like other people my age... I dont really like drinking and all that stuff, I really dont want to start into things like that..

I realize a lot of what I said probably floats in the pathetic range, but honestly thats how I'm feeling right now.. so I'm aware of it, but my emotions are forcing me to be a slave to it.. I dont know how to overpower them..
unfortunately the emptyness I feel is the lack of someone who loves me, lol it even sounds bad when I type it out, but yeah, its the relationship type thing. I wish I could get over it cause I know it makes me vulnerable like you said ><

she really does seem like a control freak, and during the relationship (after she found the file anyway) I've been trying to show her how "sorry" I was.. I did so much more than one side of the relationship is supposed to, I guess I spoiled her and let her have her way too much, neither did me any good for how she saw me I'm guessing... but even with how much she wants things to go HER way, and wants to control everything, she says she likes this new guy because he has a more 'in control' attitude, much like I did before I felt like I had a piano hanging on a thin thread hanging above me.. her guilt tripping and threatening to leave because of that "cheating" crap seemed to destroy my confidence when all that came up.. I just didnt want her to leave so I did whatever she wanted. -_- but how is a control freak going to be happy with someone who is controlling? doesnt that not add up?

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