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Soo i made a post recently that because of my ex-boyfriend's infidelity, I do have some jealousy issues. I have been dating someone for less than 2 months now. I really like him a lot. Lately we have been hanging out a lot too. It turned into a little bit of a long distance relationship so its nice when I do see him.

Soo as far as my jealousy issues go. This morning while he was in the shower, I did a stupid thing. I looked through his text messages. Its what i used to do with my ex-boyfriend after he cheated on me and we got back together. I just thought it would be all innocent. i don't even really have any suspicions about the guy I am with now. But noooo. So i see sent messages to this number, with no name, and obviously a girl. A lot of them were like, "I can't wait to see you", "I'm having really bad thoughts about you right now". Basically similar things to what he has been sending me. I want to vomit right now. Granted we aren't official boyfriend/girlfriend, I feel like he is totally playing me. But, I can't confront him about it because then i'll look like a jealous loser. I am so upset right now. What can I do?
I'm going to bold the parts of your very first message that really stood out to me as the crux of the problem in this relationship and others down the road if you don't get your jealousy/communication issues resolved:

[QUOTE]Soo i made a post recently that because of my ex-boyfriend's infidelity, [B]I do have some jealousy issues[/B]. [B]I have been dating someone for less than 2 months now.[/B] I really like him a lot. Lately we have been hanging out a lot too. It turned into a little bit of a long distance relationship so its nice when I do see him.

[B]Soo as far as my jealousy issues go. This morning while he was in the shower, I did a stupid thing. I looked through his text messages. Its what i used to do with my ex-boyfriend after he cheated on me and we got back together. I just thought it would be all innocent. i don't even really have any suspicions about the guy I am with now.[/B] But noooo. So i see sent messages to this number, with no name, and obviously a girl. A lot of them were like, "I can't wait to see you", "I'm having really bad thoughts about you right now". Basically similar things to what he has been sending me. I want to vomit right now. Granted we aren't official boyfriend/girlfriend, I feel like he is totally playing me. But, I can't confront him about it because then i'll look like a jealous loser. I am so upset right now. What can I do?[/QUOTE]

Have you healed from being hurt from your ex-boyfriend? I really don't see how you can hope to have a good relationship with someone new if you're still severely recovering from being cheated on in the past.

Now, I didn't read whatever the other thread was, but am I reading this correctly that your ex cheated on you, you got back together with him and continued to see things to other women on his phone/blackberry? Sweetie, if that's the case, you need to work on YOU. You should never, ever settle on something like that. And here you are bringing that mentality into a new relationship.

I also see a LOT of assumptions going on. He's assuming you're okay with just dating. You're assuming you've taken a further step since you're doing new things together. You (and others who've chimed in) think two months is enough time to be considered exclusive. I've inferred (assumed! and maybe wrongly so!!!) that you've had sex with the new guy. You've assumed that sorta/kinda means you're exclusive. He's assuming you're okay with his priorities being family and career and you're playing the dating game too.

See, this is where some communication last week, last month, last night -- whatever -- would have been key. You would have had no reason to go snooping through his text messages. You've sealed yourself up in this vacuum of assumptions and drove yourself a little nuts -- nuts to the point of snooping through his stuff when he's in the shower.

You're right. It was stupid. Don't do it again with the next guy! You're going to have to learn to trust again. And the only way you're going to be able to trust again is to believe with every fiber of your being that you are worth more than words can express. Once you have that self-esteem back and can honestly go forward with a new relationship and have that trust there, conversations like, "You know, I really feel amazing when I'm with you. How do you feel? How would you feel about being exclusive?" will come with a bit of ease. Then you won't have to question some new guy who you're comparing to your POS ex (and, yes, two months is very new) and have to dig through new-guy's text messages because that's what you "had" to do with your cheating ex. You'll have had the conversation about dating vs. exclusivity.

I do not think his response was out of line. I think you're still recovering from a bad relationship and taking some baggage into a new one, and you both put communication on a back burner and assumed too much. We don't know if he would have lied if you'd asked him if he's dating others. He certainly didn't lie in his response, did he? I think it's a rather straightforward response.

I'm afraid the only dishonest behavior I've read about comes from you. You went snooping through his phone because that's what you felt you had to do with a prior relationship.

I don't mean to be harsh, but I think you're going to be in for a world of hurt unless and until you get past the jealousy. You won't get past the jealousy until you work on your self-esteem. Once your self-esteem is high again and you know how special you are and how important you will be in Mr. Right's life, effective communication should naturally follow.





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