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Thank you to everyone that has commented on my situation. I was mostly just looking for opinions on whether I was wrong or right. But thanks to all who added more, it was very heplful. I really needed to hear what all of you had to say. I continue to doubtmyself I guess becausethat gives me hope that my husband is not as bad as I think he is. As for the self esteem thing. Yes, I do admit that is a big problem of mine. I was fine and happy before I married Jim and I have let him and his entire family destroy that. You notice I say I have let them, not they did it on their own.
As for leaving, at this time that is impossible. I have some debilitating health problems at the time that I am trying very hard to overcome and I am unable to work right now. I will not egt extensively into that, just believe me at this time there is absolutely no way that I can work. that doesn't mean that I will not get better and bea bale to work later on, I just cannot right now. The situation that I am in is also hindering me from getting well though, so I feel trapped. My Dad lives in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico and my Mom is remarried to a chronically ill man, she takes care of him and his father and there is no room for me and my child with them. Also my step-father, although he can be a wonderful man, is very impatient and doesn't like children (he never had any little kids of his own and never wanted any) actually he doesn't really like anyone once they have been around for more than 2 days. This isn't just me, it's anyone. He has never even allowed my mom to have friends except his family, and he gets tired of them after 2 days also and tells them to go home too. so living with either of my parents is out of the ?. My mom and step dad are not in a financial situation to help me, and my real father is, but won't help. I actually got up the nerve to ask him for a loan, not charity and he told me no.
I think that maybe Jim working away from home for an extended period would be so good for me. I can get healthy and strong but still rely on him financially for now. I know this may sound like a crappy thing to do to someone, but, look at it this way--I really Lovethis jerk of a man, that is why everything that him and his family have done to me has hurt me so much. I am not just staying because I have no where else to go, I really Love him and cannot imagine being without him. I try to convince myself that I don't, but I do. We did go to counceling, but only for a few visits (it was underhis ins. and the councelor wouldn't see me unless Jim went) he was late one night and she told me before he got there to emotionally detach myself from him and stop caring. I tried doing what she said, but it didn't work, he refusedto see her anymore (because he thought he could charm her, but she just kept telling him that he was wrong about everything and I was right) so needless to say, the counceling stopped. I do not have counceling available on my ins plan. I even went w/o health ins the first 2 years we were married because he refused to pay the premium for me to be on his plan. Eventually I was getting so sick I had to purchase private ins. that sucks big time, and I pay it monthly out of the child support that I get from my ex. That's a whole nother story though!!

Happymom--I am so glad that you got out of your situation--when I read your post I was so happy for you, that is so wonderful!! Take care of yourself, and thank you for your help and honesty. Nikki
Thanks all for everything, Nikki
Thank you Rob! I would like more men to comment and get their side!!!

I have had to completely stop talking to his real Mother. She is a horrible and very wierd woman, and not just in my eyes, so many different people have told me this. Jim's ex wife completely stopped talking to her when they were married also. She told Jim that she was divorcing his Mother and wanted nothing to do with her. Her husband has called over here and stated that I have caused the family to be torn apart and it is hurting her so much. yeah right! She had been completely mean to me from the beginning and when I told my step MIL the things that she was doing to me, she said that the same exact things were done to Lisa also. The lady is the type of person that believes that she is the most important person in the world and everything should revolve around her, and if you have an idea or need of your own, too damn bad. Holidays have been a real joy, believe me. So last thanksgiving I refused to go over there. Jim took the kids and left me at home alone. I have no family here, my parents, live 3200 miles away. He did the same thing to me on Christmas Eve,he left me home alone and went to his Mom's. I did not outright tell him I wanted him to go, I just said that I was not going. And it had nothing to do with his kids. His Mother can not stand his kids, she has said terrible things about them and is mean to them too. She actually has said to me that she doesn't think they are his because he has blond hair and blue eyes and all threeof his kids have brown hair and hazel eyes.
I tried for 3 1/2 years to put up with being treated like I was lower than her. In the beginning she wanted soemone to adore her. She told me that when people come to see her they bring deserts or gifts for her. And not homemade desserts, so I was spending money we did not have buying her desserts from a bakery. She even told me which ones she wanted. Then she proceeded to plan my complete wedding. I wanted a small wedding, nothing formal, a small cheap reception in a back yard or something. Jim and I had both been married before, so what was the big deal. Plus money was tight. She insisted that we get married in a church, she insisted that we have a catered reception in a wedding hall, It was a per person charge, and she gave me a list of 35 people that SHE wanted at the wedding and reception. People I did not even know! When I told her that we couldn't afford all these people she threw a fit and said that they all had to be invited or they would be offended. So Jim and I took people off of our list to accomadate her list. She also said that I could not have an open bar at my reception, that drinking alcohol is bad. My reception was soooo boring!!! Then she told me that I could not have Maroon and black for my colors because that's what Jim & Lisa had, and she couldn't bare to see those colors again. And she said this with a dramatic fainting like reaction.
So we went in debt for HER not for me. It was so stupid. Did I stand up for myself, NO. And it has done me no good to stand up for myself now. I am the one who is wrong to them. My Brother in laws Mom, who also says that they are weird and selfish told me that my MIL told her that they were going to bring me up to a higher standard, like I was trash or something. At the time I did own part of a business (no it wasn't making money) I coached youth soccer, YMCA basketball and I was the team mom for little league, I sponsered a LL team and a girls softball team and also donated all the tees and caps to the entire Challenger League (special needs kids). Just because I didn't live in the Country Club and have a silver spoon up my a**. I actually had a membership to the stupid country club and had a nicer house before I married Jim. I am not materialistic, what does it matter in the end, what you have or what you have done for other people? Plus, his mother left his 2nd step-father for her current husband because the 2nd ones business went under and he no longer made enough money for her. She told him this was why she was leaving him too. that's how cold this woman is. She hasn't ever had a good job, she just marriies guys with money, uses their money and then throws them away like trash, and she treats them bad while she's married to them too. OH, I need to stop, I was trying to get over all of this bologna. But now it has all come pouring in on me again!!

Nicole27, I forgot to mention that you are so lucky to have found a BF that treats you so good. Congratulations!! I didn't really believe that there were men who actually stayed that way once the relationship had matured. I hope that he continues to be wonderful to you and that everything works out. Nikki
[QUOTE=nikki92;3550099]Thank you Rob! I would like more men to comment and get their side!!!

I have had to completely stop talking to his real Mother. She is a horrible and very wierd woman, and not just in my eyes, so many different people have told me this. Jim's ex wife completely stopped talking to her when they were married also. She told Jim that she was divorcing his Mother and wanted nothing to do with her. Her husband has called over here and stated that I have caused the family to be torn apart and it is hurting her so much. yeah right! She had been completely mean to me from the beginning and when I told my step MIL the things that she was doing to me, she said that the same exact things were done to Lisa also. The lady is the type of person that believes that she is the most important person in the world and everything should revolve around her, and if you have an idea or need of your own, too damn bad. Holidays have been a real joy, believe me. So last thanksgiving I refused to go over there. Jim took the kids and left me at home alone. I have no family here, my parents, live 3200 miles away. He did the same thing to me on Christmas Eve,he left me home alone and went to his Mom's. I did not outright tell him I wanted him to go, I just said that I was not going. And it had nothing to do with his kids. His Mother can not stand his kids, she has said terrible things about them and is mean to them too. She actually has said to me that she doesn't think they are his because he has blond hair and blue eyes and all threeof his kids have brown hair and hazel eyes.
I tried for 3 1/2 years to put up with being treated like I was lower than her. In the beginning she wanted soemone to adore her. She told me that when people come to see her they bring deserts or gifts for her. And not homemade desserts, so I was spending money we did not have buying her desserts from a bakery. She even told me which ones she wanted. Then she proceeded to plan my complete wedding. I wanted a small wedding, nothing formal, a small cheap reception in a back yard or something. Jim and I had both been married before, so what was the big deal. Plus money was tight. She insisted that we get married in a church, she insisted that we have a catered reception in a wedding hall, It was a per person charge, and she gave me a list of 35 people that SHE wanted at the wedding and reception. People I did not even know! When I told her that we couldn't afford all these people she threw a fit and said that they all had to be invited or they would be offended. So Jim and I took people off of our list to accomadate her list. She also said that I could not have an open bar at my reception, that drinking alcohol is bad. My reception was soooo boring!!! Then she told me that I could not have Maroon and black for my colors because that's what Jim & Lisa had, and she couldn't bare to see those colors again. And she said this with a dramatic fainting like reaction.
So we went in debt for HER not for me. It was so stupid. Did I stand up for myself, NO. And it has done me no good to stand up for myself now. I am the one who is wrong to them. My Brother in laws Mom, who also says that they are weird and selfish told me that my MIL told her that they were going to bring me up to a higher standard, like I was trash or something. At the time I did own part of a business (no it wasn't making money) I coached youth soccer, YMCA basketball and I was the team mom for little league, I sponsered a LL team and a girls softball team and also donated all the tees and caps to the entire Challenger League (special needs kids). Just because I didn't live in the Country Club and have a silver spoon up my a**. I actually had a membership to the stupid country club and had a nicer house before I married Jim. I am not materialistic, what does it matter in the end, what you have or what you have done for other people? Plus, his mother left his 2nd step-father for her current husband because the 2nd ones business went under and he no longer made enough money for her. She told him this was why she was leaving him too. that's how cold this woman is. She hasn't ever had a good job, she just marriies guys with money, uses their money and then throws them away like trash, and she treats them bad while she's married to them too. OH, I need to stop, I was trying to get over all of this bologna. But now it has all come pouring in on me again!!

Nicole27, I forgot to mention that you are so lucky to have found a BF that treats you so good. Congratulations!! I didn't really believe that there were men who actually stayed that way once the relationship had matured. I hope that he continues to be wonderful to you and that everything works out. Nikki[/QUOTE]



I would look at it this way, If your husband does not stick up for you then he is not worth much.

Once he married you mom takes a back seat.

She sounds like a very controlling woman and demands her way or no way, when you chose not to attend the holidays and your husband did that says a lot of which is more important to him. And it looks like mom wins to him.

I would find it very hard to stay in a relation ship where I am treated like a second class citizen even by my significant other.

Rob
Thank you--Destea, Kel, health & Rob. I was not on-line at all last night, so I will try to respond to each of your posts, I just read all 4 of them so I may forget some ?'s--But here goes!
Destea--You asked about the effect this has on my son. Here is the thing--my son and my step-son are a month apart in age. the have been best friends since they were 5--they are now 15. They also share all of the same friends, and these boys have been together since kinder. Both my step-son and my son Love being brothers, they tell everyone they are brothers and look forward to spending time together. they get along better than any kids I know. I guess because they don't live together full time! We call them thing 1 and thing 2 because they are so much alike it is hard to believe they are not twins. And most people that do not know, think my step children are mine, they look more like me than they do their Dad. I Love them very much and don't want to lose them. My son and step-son would be devistated if Jim and I split up. It would cause so much anguish for them. My son also calls Jim Dad, we did not ask him to do this, he asked me before Jim and I got married if he could call Jim Dad, he does not know what goes on between Jim and I. Children don't need to know. He does know how Jim's family acts because he has witnessed this himself. But even Jim's real kids have seen this and do not like their grandmother or Aunt, and they know that their Mom was treated the same way by Jim's real Mom. My son would not handle it well if Jim and I split. Plus I am not from here and I would be taking my son away from all of his friends. My son does not want to live with his real Dad, he calls him by his first name and calls Jim Dad. My son has been around Jim for 10 years, and is perfectly comfortable with him. Of course they don't always agree, but it is typical teenage stuff, clean your room, pick up your stuff. No big fights with him or anything.

Kel--I honestly do not believe that jim would ever leave me, he cannot stand change, and he needs someone to be there for him. He cannot stand to be alone, it makes him depressed. In the evenings and weekends I have to sit by him when he works on projects, even if we are not talking, I still have to be sitting there. I have to go with him to run errands, I have to greet him at the door when he comes home from work. And sit in the bathroom while he showers so that he can tell me how his day went. If he calls my cell and I do not answer he freaks out, not in a mad way, but a worried way, he has panic attacks and cannot work until he finds out that I am OK. The guys he works with have told me this. They say he is always worried about me. And if he cannot get a hold of me he starts panicing and goes on about, what if I fell (because I get dizzy) what if I got into a car accident, why am I not answering, what if something has happened. he can't even function until he knows I am OK. Now can you all understand why I am so confused. Everything that he does is confusing, because half of it seems like a man who dearly loves me, and the other half seems like a man who doesn't care. All of his actions clash with each other and keep me completely confused and hoping!

Health--Thank you so much for the sincere and understanding post. I'm sorry that you have Fibro--That was the first diag that I got when I first started feeling bad, so I know what you are going through. We never know from day to day how we are going to feel or how much we are going to be able to do. I completely understand that the stress I am under is hindering me from getting better. I just wish that was the only problem. No matter what the doctors do I progressively keep getting worse. I don't feel that stress could be causing all of the other health issues that keep popping up. I was diagnosed with Addison's 2 years ago and have been on Cortef, which is suppose to allow the adrenal glands to rest and heal, but mine are still getting worse, even with treatment. This is why my doc is frustrated with my endo and wants to send me to a more knowledgable endo. They also have not been able to stop the progression of muscle atrophy, wasting and weakness. And I deal with constant pain, dizzyness, heart palps, chest pain, blurry vision, my blood pressure is between 85/58 - 96/60, I have circulation problems, and now have a blockage. They have sent me to soo many doctors, I hope that the doc's at Baylor can help me.
As for my in-laws, I do not feel that standing up to them would do any good. I have tried and it is not pretty. My sister in laws MIL ran into me at the hospital one day and she practically broke down. I had never said anything to her about the way they treat me. And didn't say anything then. She started telling me how aweful and selfish they were, she said they are downright weird! She cannot stand her daughter in law and believes that they don't even know how to Love anyone but themselves, she proceeded to tell me many aweful things that they had done to her over the past 8 years that her son has been in that family. He said that he cannot do anything about it and has to stand by his wife, how does he handle it, he lives and works out of the country and only comes home for 2 weeks every 6 months. And my SIL is happy like this because he makes $120,000 a year tax free and she can spend his money and not have him around. It is sad, because him and his family are really nice, I wish his mom was my MIL.--Thank you again for the wonderful post, it is so nice to know that someone understands!
Rob--thanks for the comments. I think that Jim is afraid of his Mommy!! She will straight out make a person feel like total crap! If Jim doesn't do everything she wants, she tells him how disappointed she is, and he cannot handle this. And then his brother and sister start calling and giving him abad time, like I said, he is the passive one and cannot handle them mad at him. You would think that he wouldn't want to upset me or his first wife, but Mommy has such a hold on him, it is ridiculous! From what Ihave learned, Jim was a very sickly child, his Mom ran off with another man (who made more money than Jim's Dad) his brother stayed with his Dad, and Jim stayed with his Mother and sister and never lived with his Dad. he had different step-dad's throughout his entire life, that bowed down and did whatever his mother wanted. This is how he was raised, watching Mommy dearest have control over everything and everyone. And throwing people away like they were trash, when she no longer needs them, or spends all of their money, I should say! It is very sad.
Thank you all for your support and help! Nikki





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