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Hello All!
Iím new to this forum, so Iím not sure if this is the right board to post it. So, moderators please do not delete my post but just move it if the need be.

The problem in a nutshell: I really cannot get over a relationship with a BPD girlfriend.

Iíve read some threads, including archives, and saw that it is quite common for people like me. This make me suspect that the ďgood sideĒ of a BPD relationship works just like a strong drug Ė itís so good and unbelievable, that nothing compares to it afterwards, no matter how bad ďthe bad sideĒ was.

I have even broken my family for that girl, and even though it seems I can get it back, I just donít want to.
The rest is history Ė read pretty much any of a BPD-involved person post Ė itís all the same, whining about how nothing make sense anymore without that person, how they are madly in love, etc.

Well, I know people hate long posts (or at least donít read them whole), so for now I probably should stop right hereÖ

Appreciate your help/advice, or just a warm word
:jester:
Well, I think that you may need to elaborate on this post. Maybe it is my fault, but I don't quite understand what you are talking about. It sounds somewhat ambiguous.

In any case, you never say that you really love that girl and would be ready to encourage her to seek a treatment for her condition, assuming that it is treatable.

Don't get me wrong, but I had the impression that you were playing with her.

And why do you seem to look down on your own family? Are they all in the wrong? Don't you think you may need their support in the future? Don't you think it's your obligation to give support to your family as well?

I'm sorry: maybe that wasn't the warm word you were counting upon. But really I just wanted to understand you better...
I'm sorry in advance for this post because it's probably not what you want to hear. If she is truly BPD then she is going to cycle between periods of idealization (the "good" part of the relationship) and devaluation (the "bad" part). These cycles are going to continue and not stop. You never really will be totally sure when she's going to switch, but it will happen. The mood instability will wear on you, as well as the impulsivity that many people with BPD display. You may need to decide whether you want to be in this for the LONG haul of treatment, because BPD is among the hardest (if not THE hardest) disorder to treat. Maybe you could check out the book "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me". I believe that's the title. If it's not then someone will correct me.

Good luck, you may be getting into something very difficult here.
[QUOTE=pendulum;3547757]Well, I think that you may need to elaborate on this post. Maybe it is my fault, but I don't quite understand what you are talking about. It sounds somewhat ambiguous.

In any case, you never say that you really love that girl and would be ready to encourage her to seek a treatment for her condition, assuming that it is treatable.

Don't get me wrong, but I had the impression that you were playing with her.

And why do you seem to look down on your own family? Are they all in the wrong? Don't you think you may need their support in the future? Don't you think it's your obligation to give support to your family as well?

I'm sorry: maybe that wasn't the warm word you were counting upon. But really I just wanted to understand you better...[/QUOTE]

You are right, Pendelum, my post is quite ambiguous - just shows that I don't really know what I'm doing already :)
So, here are more details:
Yes I really love this girl, I've been with her for two years. I'm not a very young dude, so I know what I'm talking about and how it feels (I don't mean to be rude here :)
She is a very educated person, so she discovered that she has BPD by herself. Before that, I was just suspecting that something was not right with her, but it only made her extremely mad. Then she decided she'll take care of that herself and she does not need my help on that part.
Unfortunately, I wasn't patient enough and let myself be carried away by arguments, etc., forgetting that it wasn't "real". Then when I was recalling what was going on and pointing it out, it was making her very mad, just like before.

So basically I wasn't able to talk to her about her condition, and the things were getting worse and worse.

As for my family - well, I was married and have a child. Not that I loved my wife very much a priory, but just was letting it be like that, for the time being. My friends were asking me what would I do if I meet a girl and get madly in love with, so I said, we'll see, maybe at that pint I'll ask for divorce. And so here I am...
[QUOTE=Iceman314;3548174]I'm sorry in advance for this post because it's probably not what you want to hear. If she is truly BPD then she is going to cycle between periods of idealization (the "good" part of the relationship) and devaluation (the "bad" part). These cycles are going to continue and not stop. You never really will be totally sure when she's going to switch, but it will happen. The mood instability will wear on you, as well as the impulsivity that many people with BPD display. You may need to decide whether you want to be in this for the LONG haul of treatment, because BPD is among the hardest (if not THE hardest) disorder to treat. Maybe you could check out the book "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me". I believe that's the title. If it's not then someone will correct me.

Good luck, you may be getting into something very difficult here.[/QUOTE]

Thanks Iceman. The stuff you are describing was actually happening and I saw it. As you can see in my previous post, both of us already knew what was going on. But she was tending to blame her getting worse on me :(
It is already late for me do decide, 'coz she broke up with me already.
The problem is, besides the obvious - me being seriously in love (otherwise, I'd take it easy and wouldn't post here :) - I suspect I'm hooked on the "good side", or "periods of idealization". And it's not about my ego, it's about how wonderful the whole relationship feels during those periods.
There was still that "burning fire", even after two years of being together - unprecedented, at least for me. For this, I would probably agree to pay the price of "periodic suffering". But who knows, however, for how long I'd bear that in reality. Anyhow, it's not my choice anymore.
What I'm also worried about( besides the obvious being unable to get over this relationship), that I won't be able to get (or sustain) a relationship with a normal person anymore.
count your blessings she broke up with you......although I'm sure she will be back apologizing and wanting to get back together. That's how BPD works.....they push you away, then try to pull you back in. My advice is don't get pulled back in.
[QUOTE=rosequartz;3548572]count your blessings she broke up with you......although I'm sure she will be back apologizing and wanting to get back together. That's how BPD works.....they push you away, then try to pull you back in. My advice is don't get pulled back in.[/QUOTE]

I don't think she would - she sent me a pretty serious email about it.
I just met an old friend of mine, turns out he'd been in BPD relationship before. He also says it's not worth it. But he totally understands me on the "awesome" part.
So the problem for me is still to get over it. For now I do not see how I could be with someone "normal" :(
[QUOTE=jokenroll;3550266]I don't think she would - she sent me a pretty serious email about it.
I just met an old friend of mine, turns out he'd been in BPD relationship before. He also says it's not worth it. But he totally understands me on the "awesome" part.
So the problem for me is still to get over it. For now I do not see how I could be with someone "normal" :([/QUOTE]


she will.....don't kid yourself. She will try to get back in your life by apologizing, etc. You can absolutely be with someone "normal"......try it, you might like it!
I was going to say the same thing. Good chance she will be back. Another thing I'd say is for her not to self diagnose. She may be BPD, but self diagnosis isn't a good idea, especially with borderline personality D/O. She should speak with a specialist. Especially since a LOT of people with BPD are self harmers, or if they aren't, they begin to be. The longer you're with someone the longer it takes to get over it. You can, and will get over it.

Has she explored the possibilty of a mood D/O as well?
I still do not think she'll be back - she threw me away many times already but it never was that serious. I think she will try to get another guy (since "there are plenty of them waiting"), who "would finally treat her as a human being".
She's promiscuous enough, good thing at least she didn't cheat while in relationship.
She read a lot of material on BPD, I also tried to research some on the net - seems to be very classical case. She even tried to kill herself when she was 15.
I do not think she has mood disorders. :mad:
Well, regardless of whether she needs to see a specialist for diagnosis, she sounds like she needs to see a specialist for her behavior. My thought is that you can get over it, it's going to hurt, and take a while, but it will happen. I am not going to tell you to stay away, or get her back. I'm not qualified for that, but I think you'll be okay without her. Good luck with it. :)
I kind of know what you are going through right now, my mom is Bi-Polar (I also beleive there might be another underlying mental illness in addition).

I'm not saying people with mental illness do not deserve a chance, and maybe my opinion is biased because I still hold some resentment toward my mother- but I think you are better moveing on.

Funny u post this today, my dad has been married to my mom for 29 yrs. Over the yrs she has progressivley gotten worse, worse to the point that my dad was ready for divorce. He filed the paperwork yesturday, but called the lawyer today to "pull back" on it...reason being, he felt guilty because she has been nice all week (normal). What you are feeling is normal, you long for those "good" moments & hope things can stay that way...but I think, deep down, you have to know somewhere, it's just a vicious cycle that will continue...I convinced my dad to call the lawyer tomm & go through with it, he knows inside that things will never change & he just needed some re-affirming that he shouldn't feel guilty.

Cherish the good moments, but rest assured u can move on. Try not to "hold on" to the good moments, be honest with yourself & don't forget the bad moments either.
[QUOTE=country_fan;3550976]I kind of know what you are going through right now, my mom is Bi-Polar (I also beleive there might be another underlying mental illness in addition). [/QUOTE]

BPD is borderline personality D/O, not bipolar D/O.
My bad, thought BPD was short for Bi-Polar Disorder- I feel like an idiot now!
[QUOTE=country_fan;3551289]My bad, thought BPD was short for Bi-Polar Disorder- I feel like an idiot now![/QUOTE]

Don't. I work in mental health and when I see BPD written I know what is meant but still sometimes make the mistake of saying "bipolar D/O".
No, it's not getting any better for me. In fact, it's getting worse and worse.
It's a classical situation - when your mind and you logic tell you one thing and your heart and your feelings - completely the opposite.
I'm still surprised, however: I've been into a fair amount of relationships, and breakup was never that hard on me, esp. after a couple of years being together... :mad:
yes, it will be hard to get over because of the intensity of her 'idealization'. you have to keep in mind the reason for that idealization, that it wasn't an interest in you, but it was about her pulling you in, making you an extension.

there are times you will remember how good she was to you, and then think how could she go from that to completely villanizing you, and you will feel very upset, and want to get back to those good times. remember, it was someone who follows their impulses and was pulling you into giving them attention, it was more about them than you. You were NOT rejected by a healthy and rational person.
I'm busy divorcing my BDP wife at the moment and it's an emotional rollercoaster Ė we were together for four years and she walked out with our 2 year old daughter six months ago claiming that I was emotionally abusing her after I confronted her about her behaviour (social isolation, alienation of friends/family, parental interference, lies, theft, fake illnesses, unwarranted criticism, withholding intimacy, refusing to go back to work, etc). She's a very attractive and well qualified individual with an unstable career and relationship history and her condition was only diagnosed after I used legal action to get her to see a psychologist after she withheld access to my daughter - the mediating psychologist ruled in my favour and I now have reasonable access.

I've also subsequently gone for counselling and got to understand the BDP cycle of control/manipulation and my reactions to it - this helped me to understand the relationship on an intellectual level, but the emotional side still needs work. With the divorce pending, she still cycles between running me down and telling me she loves me and unfortunately I have to have contact with her because of our daughter. Because of the nature of her disorder, she doesnít understand that her behaviour is abnormal and I have to constantly monitor my reactions to her in order to avoid falling into the previous pattern of abuse.

Iím very glad that the relationship is over, but it takes time to undo the damage a person with this disorder does to their partners. Iíve found that minimal contact and strong boundaries weakens their ability to do more damage and socialising with normal people helps to redefine your healthy reality.





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