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So the reason why I had the trust issues (ref: Relearning Trust thread) is because my ex-BF that I dated for two years dumped me rather unceremoniously after meeting someone on a dating site (short version). Even after he and I were exclusive he remained on a dating site albeit his status was looking for “friends only”. I had a hard time with the fact that he was on the site and, yeah, it ended up as I feared.

I’m currently dating someone who was also on the same site and who I had actually met there (I didn’t meet ex-BF there, I only joined about 3 months after our break-up). This person that I’m seeing now contacted me on the site – he is significantly younger than I am but very smart, funny and had a lot of the same interests as I had (which prompted him to contact me in the first place). Because I realized that this guy had a lot of women friends on the Internet, I have been very uncomfortable, fearing that he would do the same thing (the fear only after we had been dating for 4-5 months). We have almost been exclusive in the fact that we see each other a lot and he really didn’t have down time to date anyone else. Last weekend, I saw a post card from a girl that was flirty (just laying around his apartment) and I kind of freaked out. It just flooded back the memories of ex-BF. I didn’t talk to him about it until the next morning right before he was to leave for work. He decided that he would not go to work that day because, he said, of time constraints (he was running late). [I should note that just this week, after me being upset, he deleted his profile from the dating site. He doesn’t know that I know he is on another site and he has remained there.]

This current guy has a history of short-term employment (six months being the longest he has been employed anywhere). He had a rather cushy job that let him pretty much surf the Internet all day long and, for some reason, he ‘called in’ to this job often. There were maybe a total of 4 days since January that I asked for him to take time off (and he “put in” for those days – didn’t call in sick). But as I mentioned, he chronically called into his office (sick, car troubles, dental problems, etc.). The day after he stayed home with me because of my “freak out” he became aware that he was going to be “fired” or “forced to resign”.

Because this person has a history of manipulating me (yeah, I know, why am I with him? see end of “Stuck in the Middle” post), I was sure that at some point he would accuse me causing his job loss. And, yesterday, during an uncomfortable conversation on IM regarding me feeling neglected, he did in fact say so:

[15:13] HIM: you're the one who's been freaking out at me
[15:13] HIM: to the extent that I didn't go to work and ended up getting fired
[15:13] HIM: I mean, come on
[15:14] me: you had been missing a lot of work
[15:14] me: you can’t say that the one time is the time that did it
[15:14] HIM: Its not like I had been missing work to see you or anything
[15:15] me: ?
[15:15] HIM: ?
[15:15] me: you had all those sick days
[15:15] me: that wasn't to see me
[15:15] HIM: ok [my name]
[15:16] HIM: you had no part in it
[15:16] HIM: you're absolutely right
[15:16] me:
[15:16] me: I'm not trying to be right
[15:16] me: and me freaking out was because of the way I had been feeling neglected
[15:16] me: it just all compounded on the same day
[15:17] HIM: all I'm saying is that if you hadn't freaked out at me last week I would be sitting in my office right now
[15:17] HIM: and I haven't been neglecting you
[15:17] HIM: I see you like every other day

I know that it’s not my fault that he got fired, it just so happened that the day he decided to call in yet again was a day that I was over, had an uncomfortable conversation with him and he decided to stay home (even after we “kissed and made up” and I told him he *should* go to work).

He has said, too, that he is now about to be living out of his car, electric cut off, gas turned off, etc. because of this firing. He has learned that he will likely get unemployment but still is using his anxiety to guilt me.

I am in such a bad place right now in my life emotionally and yet I am still clinging to him. My sister doesn’t like him because she said he is too clingy to me. I have these weird emotions surrounding my relationship with him that has been either HOT or COLD. Lately, cold. The HOT periods are so much fun and wonderful that I keep clutching to those memories and wanting desperately to feel that kind of happiness. I know, I know, I know I should not be with this person. I feel like an addict though.

I know I’m not responsible for his firing, his “poor” status or any other things (since I have been paying for pretty much *everything* since we’ve been going out…he has bought me dinner once and I think a drink and a bucket of margarita mix…I have bought him dinners galore, taken him to shows, bought him groceries, paid for his electric bill when it got caught off last month, bought him gifts…). It’s a ridiculous scenario and I have so much anxiety I feel like my chest is going to explode. I feel close to tears every minute of the day. I let myself be used and manipulated all for those fleeting moments of happiness (and I know that it is because I am not over my ex).

I’m not sure why I’m writing this…I guess because I just feel like I’m at my wit’s end. I have a therapy appointment on Tuesday and I don’t think an hour will suffice. I wish there was some kind of electro-shop therapy to zap some sense into me. The problem is, I know intellectually that all of this is bad. But I am having a hard time reconciling my intellectual side and emotional side. I’m terrified of the void that my life will have when this guy is out of my life.
:(





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