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I am feeling lost
May 1, 2008
I have a lot of things going on at the moment. So bare with me.
I am currently in my final year of my phd.

I am facing difficulties in my degree, but before I describe them, I
will first give you a run up of the events which I believe have
contributed to these difficulties I am facing. Some of you will already be aware.

A year ago, my boyfriend (now ex) and I broke up because of the violate
relationship we found ourselves to be in. For five months, from June
to October, we talked about getting back together and I exhausted
myself through doing this. He went travelling for a few months and contact ceased.

We had broken up before roughly a little more than two years ago previously, and I suffered from an intense yet short episode of depression. I was
referred to a cognitive therapy but by the time I had been to a see a
doctor, book appointments, wait for the sessions, I had started to
feel better after about four months. But the depression really terrified me, and really affected my performance at University. I told my head of year about my problems, and they have notes from my doctors detailed my depression in their records. So December last year, to help myself in case I got worse, I applied for counselling at my University. Eventually, I was
given sessions starting in February. These did not help in the
slightest. I have been counselling before, and it had helped a lot,
but these sessions didn't help. I was feeling low, wanted to talk
about how I felt, talk about my failed relationship and break up but
my counsellor dominated much of the talking, and directed the sessions
on the difference in cultures of my parents and how this has affected
me. Every time I left a session, I kept promising myself, I would
change counsellors, but my fault, I didn't.

Anyway, my ex and I have been talking and somehow we are not in the
talks of getting back together. He is also in his final year is under extreme pressure to do well and start working in August.
He keeps saying he can't do with a relationship right now, but his
behaviour suggests otherwise and he did say he wants to see where
things are heading. He wants me to realise he cannot start anything right now, that he needs to concentrate on his finals in five weeks time and he feels very lost about where he is going.
He says he is scared of the violate relationship and cannot start a relationship because it may go back to that and he doesn't want anytihng affecting his performance. I do not blame him and agreed I needed time and space away to concentrate on myself.

We spent the day together yesterday, studying together, and we have
slept together twice. The previous evening he had opened up to me,
telling me he was scared, and under so much pressure, he doesn't know
where he is going in life etc. He wants to slowly take it easy, to see
where we could go. This is what I wanted, so I should be happy. I too wanted to see where things are going, what I am doing etc. But lately, my gut is telling me no.

Since January, I have been feeling very low. I do not feel depressed
like I did two years ago, but for along time, I have not been able to
enjoy myself, I feel guilty about feeling good or having a good time.
I have applied to a few jobs and extra courses. I went for an interview at a univeristy, as it has always been my dream to go there. I also applied for to another but failed to turn up for an interview. I also didn't attend an assessed presentation of my dissertation. I had spent weeks preparing for it, yet when it came down to it, I felt like I couldn't go through it. Also, I had been lucky enough to attend a day at a prestigious company, but didn't show for that either.
I have handed it all pieces of coursework later, and have not attend
one exam so far out of five.
I am terrified of not getting the results needed to get into the place where I have been accepted.
I doubt I will.
I have not spoken to my supervisor about this, but will do soon. But I feel so ashamed, that's why I have left it this long.

My parents are looking forward to my graduation. I just feel like such a failure and don't deserve to graduate.
I have won an award for something, and I can take a guest to the ceremony, and I thought about taking the ex, then thought my dad would deserve to come and see me collect the award. But again, i feel like a fake.
I don't know what to do. I feel so low, yet I don't want to go to the
doctors because I don't feel as though I am very depressed...or am I?
I feel lost. What if I on't get the results needed to progess onto my dreams? Have I destroyed my dream? How did I let it get to
this?
I know my ex is causing me to feel worse, and I am strongly
considering letting it go once and for all. I wanted him to be there for me, but he isn't. I feel so alone. I don't want to talk to my family, I do not want them to think I am the failure I am.

Thank you for reading this, sorry it has been fairly long.





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