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Relationship Health Message Board

Relationship Health Board Index

May 4, 2008
Ive been with my boyfriend for 5 years now. We started dating just before college, even tho we dont attend the same campus. During first year of college he was very distant, to the point where we wouldnt talk for a whole week (phone, text) and then would see each other on a friday etc. At this point i had several chats to him before things changed.. as i was ready to walk out on us..coz i honestly thought he didnt love me any more..but at the same time wanted to believe in him and in what he was telling me and wanted to stick it out and work on it with him (due to him finally getting a grip and managing his time better etc).
Things have been fine since , i mean we'd have our ups and downs but nothing major. . we still only met up once to twice a week and i was cool with that because we had good communication happening, phone calls, net and texting.

Now he is in his last semester and about to graduate and things have been really crazy. Hes back to being his cold self that he was in first year.. He rarely calls and rarely texts..he doesnt go missing on me like he did in first year, but the change is still drastic from the holidays we had in Jan/Feb.
During this holiday period, he was fantastic. Very attentive and sweet.
Anyway, i cannot stand this.. Ive spoken to him and he says the same thing as i suspected.. that hes really busy.. basically stays at home all week doing his work, studying for exams.. things have been this bad for about two months. In person he's affectionate.. but i just feel so...neglected.

I find it almost impossible to believe that he could be so busy to miss me because no matter how busy i am, i always miss him. In person he talks about us moving in together and the future.. like he sees us set in stone. Maybe he has gotten too comfortable in this relationship and even tho i express my feelings, he still continues to be his old self.

I keep telling myself that he'll finish in June.. so only a month and a bit to go..but a part of me terrified that things wont change.

Its very hard to care about someone so much...and to justify all this to yourself when they only live 20 minutes away from you (drive) and a phone isnt so hard to pick up.. and a message isnt so hard to send. I KNOW hes a stress head and I KNOW its extremely important to him to get everything done.. but at the same time.. I feel SO RESENTFUL. I feel like I'm being punished and i dont know what i can do any more.

How can he talk about our future so much.. like its set in stone.. and talk about me as the most ideal girlfriend... yet he fails to miss me or any of that stuff the way he use to 3-4 months ago.. Its such a drastic change(to go from communicating daily almost to once a week, if that much?)..and I dont know how to deal with it. I love him heaps and i dont want to let him go.. but this hurts and i often find myself trying not to think of him.. i find myself angry that he doesnt miss me the way i miss him, or doesnt seem to.

We use to always talk what would happen if he got a long distance job, or if he had to go away for work for weeks at a time and i would always tell him that id be fine with it. I AM fine with it.. but i always deep down thought that if this happened, he would call me.. he would text me..and he would miss me..and then when he comes home we'd be together and happy... but now that hes being this way.. I think to myself..he could go away and i could very well not ever hear from him..and then i feel like maybe i wouldnt be okay with that..

I told him about this and how if things didnt change i would leave and he found that extremely hurtful..but i didnt express myself properly coz i was so angry. At the same time tho i wondered what if i did mean that... why would he get angry..wouldnt he too want our relationship to be HEATHY? FOR us to see each other... spend time together and do every day things..instead of just be all over each other on a friday and then forget about each others damn existance till next weekend. Does he NOT want to be a part of my life? WHY does he want to live with ME SO badly when he cant even pick up the phone and call me to see how i am?
I get envious when i see couples doing nothing.. but being in each others company..(shop, laze around the house and watch movies together, etc)..and i shouldnt feel this way after 5 years..
Lets not even mention the fact that we've never gone away together.
He says im the one, but he doesnt seem to treat me like it.
He even mentions his own faults in jokes.. like the lack of calling, lack of seeing me, the fact that we've never gone away together, etc.. SO he is WELL damn aware of how i feel.

It just isnt fair. I would do anything for this guy and all ive ever wanted from him was affection and to be with him. I find myself getting teary during the week when i think about him and i dont know if i need to "train myself" to be more understanding or if i just need to preoccupy myself so that i dont think of him at all. Today i actually told myself to "imagine" that hes just over seas and then i felt the emotions kick in.. like "this is insane?!" Why should i have to imagine that?

I should also state that im not the clingy type.. (because i know hes busy), I dont demand to see him, I dont demand that he calls me every day, and i dont call him or text him much myself due to the above.. the last thing i want is to put pressure on him ... EVER.. but at the same time.. I crave some normality in this relationship. I dont see us moving in together the way he does due to this...and he cant seem to grasp it. I Just dont see myself marrying someone or living with someone who altho i love him SO much, is so far away from me( emotionally, contact wise etc)

All of my friends tell me they hear from their boyfriends every day. You cannot imagine how this makes me feel..i lie to most of them when they ask about me and my boyfriend..and i dont even want that much contact.. to speak to him every second or third day would be okay too.. but to see him on a friday, not have a conversation with him until the followin friday.. Is just..not healthy.

I BELIEVE HE loves me. I know he wouldnt be with me if he didnt.. But i dont know why hes being like this with me?



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