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Re: I Need HELP!!
May 7, 2008
Thanks for the insight. It really helps me to know that you have been with your boyfriend for three years and that his wild streak finally evened out. My boyfriend is only 24, so I attribute some of the party mentality to him still being somewhat immature.

He has told me many times that he doesn't even want to think about where he would be without me. His best friend even told me that he thought God brought us together to save my boyfriend from himself. He was definitely on a destructive path when I met him. His family wasn't very supportive and they aren't very close to this day. He didn't grow up with much of a spiritual background. His family moved around alot because of jobs and he never was able to put down roots and make lasting friendships. He drank some in high school and smoked once or twice, but the problems with it didn't really start until he got to college. He met a group of people that he became close friends with and they were like family during his time at college because his real family was never there for him.

For that reason, I totally understand his attachment to his buddies and the "way things used to be." I sat him down yesterday and said, "The smoking really bothers me and the idea that you still want to be hanging out in a bar getting drunk every night with your friends also bothers me." His reply was, "That's not what I want. I have been drunk once since we got together. I've had a few beers here and there other than that. The smoking only started back because my job is stressful and when we argue, it just makes me want to smoke more. Alcohol and cigarettes are the one thing in my life that has always been constant. I can start it when I want to and stop it when I want to. When you and I can stop arguing over trivial things and when I can really see that you are permanent in my life, I'll be able to kick the habits."

I could have kicked myself for griping at him because I just thought he was doing all this bad things because his friends did. He also said that all he wants is to feel like if his friends call one night and say they are going out, that he can go with them, have one or two beers, and hang out without feeling like I'm going to give him hell about it or not trust him when he says that he didn't get drunk. And that's what I have the hardest time with because I know he used to have an alcohol problem before I met him, so it makes it difficult for me to believe him when he wants to go out with his friends to a bar and then tell me he only drank one beer. Do you have any suggestions on how I could allow him to have this "buddy time" that he needs without getting upset and feeling untrusting of him everytime he wants to hang out with the boys? The last thing I want is for him to resent me or think that I'm purposely not allowing him to do what he wants to do. I hang out with my girlfriends occasionally and he never complains about it. The only problem I have with him being with his friends is the alcohol and smoking thing. It's such a hang up with me and it is something that I want to overcome so badly because I love my boyfriend, want to compromise, and want us to make each other happy.

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