It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


[QUOTE=Larrylou'smom;3561980]Well, with all due respect, and I certainly don't mean to speak for Jenny, but being a single woman who has lived pretty much all my life single, I don't really thing that's what Jenny means. I didn't see where she was trying to speak for all single women everywhere. If you are fine being single, that's great. Some women aren't, that's all, and that doesn't necessarily make them pathetic. most people are hardwired with a drive to mate and procreate, why we're all here. And we've all got a different chemical and hormonal balance and make up, which determines a lot of things including our sensitivity, sex drive, and other things. A nice new pair of shoes is great, and if they replace waking up in the arms of someone who loves you, that's great. All Jenny is saying is, a pair of shoes doesn't replace having someone to love for everyone, and it's not because they refuse to CHOOSE to be just as satisfied with a great pair of shoes as they would be with the love, support and companionship of and good sex with a good man.

I think it's a common misconception that people have of women who are single and don't want to be that they all "feel they HAVE to have a man to feel validated." That's not it at all. It's not about having just a warm body next to you to feel like life is worth living. We all could have that, that's the easiest thing in the world. Again, I'm not speaking for Jenny, or for any other single woman for that matter. But for me personally, I've watched beautiful sunsets alone, and I've watched them holding hands with and softly talking and laughing with someone I was in love with and had a deep emotional intimacy with, I've gone to the movies by myself, and I've gone with my head resting on the shoulder of and having stimulating discussions afterward with someone I was in love with, I've been so sexually frustrated my body physically hurt, and I've made sweet love (sexual contact, but not actual intercourse) with someone I was in love with, I've come home from a long trip to lug all my luggage by myself to a shuttle bus that I had to pay an extra $20 to take me home, and I've come home to a smiling, familiar face, a strong warm hug that melted all my stress away, and a free car ride home and a nice welcome home. While the first ones are doable, and actually PREFERABLE to trying to force things with someone who isn't right for you, the second ones are just much fuller, richer, and better, no matter how fabulous the shoes I was wearing while I was doing all the first ones, that's all. It's healthy to make do with the first ones if you must and make the very best out of it, but it's also very natural to have desire for the second. I was just having a related discussion with a boss of mine yesterday. He said, especially now that he's older, he doesn't WANT to take two weeks off and go to Hawaii or go climb the Alps or hang glide off the cliffs of Big Sur. All he wants is to enjoy his job, and every now and again have some time off to spend with his family, his lovely wife, and the baby they have on the way. When you're 70, what pictures do most people want in their scrapbooks? Pictures of their families, loving spouse, kids, grandkids, graduations, wedding days, sweet 16 parties, Christmas mornings, Thanksgiving dinners, or pictures of all the great shoes you owned? I'm not defending a drive to mate and procreate that goes beyond the norm and leads to disproportionate unhappiness, unfulfillment and depression, I'm just saying there are two sides to the issue.[/QUOTE]
thank you!

I have done the whole "have fun by yourself" thing. I have gone to the movies, the museum, the mall, a restaurant, spent more weekends alone than I can count by my lonesome. After awhile it gets OLD, and tired.

I notice that when I am hanging with a friend men will approach me, and I meet a guy instantly. But because I am always alone, men do not approach me that often. If they do, it's not the right kind of guy. Maybe I appear to be "lonely" which= less appealing?

In my other thread, I mentioned a friend doing something really shady...a guy was interested in me and wanted my number, she played like she didn't have his number and didn't know how to reach him initially which turned out to be a lie. And whenever I ask her to hang out with me she makes up an excuse as to why she can't go to the movies with me...obviously she is jealous of me. This is what I have to deal with. I have a very hard time making friends with young girls my age they do not accept me into their inner circle. But I have an easier time making friends with older women they are much more confident

My mother told me that it makes her sad to see a young girl like me spend every weekend and holidays alone without a man in my life): This really hurt me and I started to cry. She doesn't understand how for me it's not easy finding a boyfriend. And how a lot of women simply don't like me because of how I look. But I am just like them, I have insecurities and the desire to be accepted just like they do. They just look at the physical aspect and think I must have it easy..
[QUOTE=JennyLee123;3562192]thank you!

I have done the whole "have fun by yourself" thing. I have gone to the movies, the museum, the mall, a restaurant, spent more weekends alone than I can count by my lonesome. After awhile it gets OLD, and tired.

I notice that when I am hanging with a friend men will approach me, and I meet a guy instantly. But because I am always alone, men do not approach me that often. If they do, it's not the right kind of guy. Maybe I appear to be "lonely" which= less appealing?

In my other thread, I mentioned a friend doing something really shady...a guy was interested in me and wanted my number, she played like she didn't have his number and didn't know how to reach him initially which turned out to be a lie. And whenever I ask her to hang out with me she makes up an excuse as to why she can't go to the movies with me...obviously she is jealous of me. This is what I have to deal with. I have a very hard time making friends with young girls my age they do not accept me into their inner circle. But I have an easier time making friends with older women they are much more confident

My mother told me that it makes her sad to see a young girl like me spend every weekend and holidays alone without a man in my life): This really hurt me and I started to cry. She doesn't understand how for me it's not easy finding a boyfriend. And how a lot of women simply don't like me because of how I look. But I am just like them, I have insecurities and the desire to be accepted just like they do. They just look at the physical aspect and think I must have it easy..[/QUOTE]


The older I get, the more I realize you just have to accept your parents as they are, good bad and the ugly, and realize they are never going to change. It's unfortunate your mother says this to you. I was lucky in that aspect. My mother's mother sort of forced her into marrying my father, she hid letters my mother got from another man she had known while she was in the service because she didn't want my mom to be "distracted" from the man who became my father, and kept telling my mom "you're 29, he's your last chance!!!" and my mother has regretted marrying my father all her life, but being a good catholic, felt she could never get a divorce. I have never known my mother really happy. I love both my parents but I wish I had had two functional, happy parents who lived apart than two maladjusted, dysfunctional parents who lived together and were so wrapped up in their unhappiness they didn't really have much left over to parent with. So she always said to me "dont' feel like you have to have a man or you have to get married or give me grand kids. It wouldn't break my heart if you never get married." So at least she doesn't make me feel bad about being single. And shame on your mom for rubbing salt in your wounds. No doubt your mother comes from a time when it was considered shameful for a woman to be past a certain age and not married. But the good news is, back then women sort of HAD to get married because they couldn't make the kind of money men did because they couldnt' get hired for the kind of jobs that paid, and if they did, they were paid less than the men in the same positions. Women needed men literally to put a roof over their head, food on the table, buy their car, medical insurance, etc. and single women were considered hussies, dangerous loose women who would swoop in and try to steal your husband away because they didn't have one of their own. But things have changed. It may be lonely not having a life partner, believe me, I totally get that, but there's certainly no SHAME in it anymore!! My extended family sometimes makes me feel like a loser for still being single, so I just avoid them when I can and dont' talk to them much. Most of the time I feel good about never having married the wrong man, never having been beaten by a man I was in a relationship with. I was treated somewhat poorly in the the only relationship I was in, and while a part of me will always love him and miss the good parts of the relationship, I would NEVER go back to it the way it was. I'm not the same person I was back then. And that's a very GOOD thing.

So you say other women don't like to hang around you because of the way you look. Does that mean you're really pretty? That surely doesn't have to be a drawback. It may mean you have to work a little harder to show people you're not stuck up or whatever, which is unfair, I know, but it's just part of life. But I gotta tell you, one of the coolest, most down to earth women I've ever known was also the most beautiful. I mean, men broke their necks to look at her, she looked like a cross between Christy Brinkley and Michelle Pfeiffer, only prettier, if you can picture that. But she was just so cool, open, warm, friendly, very smart, down to earth, there was no way you couldn't like her. And if I can befriend a beautiful woman, surely there are other women out there who feel the same and wouldn't let the way you look stand in the way of getting to know you.

Sometimes I have to check myself, one little thing i did pick up from Dr. Phil that I think is good advice, is to ask yourself, "how much fun am I to be around?" People aren't going to want to be around you if you're aren't fun to be around, so if I catch myself sounding not fun in any way, too complaining, or whatever, I immediately lighten up.

Well, I hope I've helped a little. I know it's not easy, but you still have so much time. Don't sweat the things you can't control, and concentrate on being the very best you that you know how to be. :angel:
[QUOTE=JennyLee123;3565918]Sorry, I haven't been posting in a few days the charger to my laptop blew out, and I have to travel to a local library to get on the internet.

[B]lostsoul, janet, and nogood[/B], I wish we all lived in the same area. It would be fun if I could be around ppl who were in similar situations like me.

I USED to have friends back when I was 18, 19, 20, but we grew apart. all of them were not due to fights or anything, in some cases our lives took different paths and we no longer had similar things in common.

I had one friend who I hung out with on a consistent basis for about 4 or 5 years. I used to hop in my car, pick her up and we'd just burn gas just driving around the city. Or meet guys and get into a little drama. It was fun. Then she made a friend at her college--it was a guy--and our friendship pretty much deteriorating when he came into the picture. Honestly, when I think back, I feel that HE is the reason why our friendship made the turn that it did. And I am starting to feel a bit of bitterness after the fact. Before, we had NO conflict and if we did, we would settle it and everything would be fine.

This "guy friend" eventually became friends with me as well. And he would tell me that my best friend was talking about me behind my back. When I would ask him, what exactly she said, he would go "nevermind, forget about it". For the longest, this would linger in the back of my mind, I wanted to know if she truly had said mean things about me. One day I called her, and confronted her about it and the conversation got real heated and UGLY. Of course she denied it. And she prompted to call the "guy friend"--but I did not want to talk to him, I wanted to discuss this with HER. Well, in the midst of the conversation she emailed him to call her, and soon enough he did. Before she clicked over she told me she would "call me back" and I have not heard from her in over 5 or 6 months.

I was hurt because I felt that she let this "guy friend" come in between us. We had been friends since elementary and high school and she let this 'guy friend' who she had only known for 2 or 3 years manipulate our friendship. He probably persuaded her to think that I was a bad person or was in the wrong, and told her not to ever call me again. Ironically, I stayed cool with the "guy friend" and he stayed in contact with the both of us. Over time, I cut him out of my life as well. I just had this intuition that he was bad luck and wanted to bring misery in my life.

So this leads me to my current situation..no friends..no active social life..no boyfriend no nothing. I often wonder if it were best that I should have just not said anything about it at all..just ignored what he was saying and not let it get to me..I am not sure if I made the right decision. Sometimes I think that if I had never confronted her, I would have still had a friend till this day.[/QUOTE]


A few pages ago I listed some suggestions on how to make new friends, such as inviting a co-worker to coffee or lunch. I think building a base of friends is a great way to get back into a social life. The guys will follow, since everyone knows a single guy somewhere who might be interested in meeting a new girl. Getting together with one friend often leads to making a whole group of friends. And don't be afraid to approach a really outgoing person for friendships, these people usually have a big network of friends & family, which will be a built-in group of people for you to meet. My 3 best friends all moved out of state at the same time, leaving me alone here! But I got involved in activities (sports) which led me to meeting a slew of new people and I have some new great friends and am having a blast with them. Please remember friends are about having fun and having someone to vent to, go out there, meet some people and good luck!
[QUOTE=Redneon82;3566219]A few pages ago I listed some suggestions on how to make new friends, such as inviting a co-worker to coffee or lunch. I think building a base of friends is a great way to get back into a social life. The guys will follow, since everyone knows a single guy somewhere who might be interested in meeting a new girl. Getting together with one friend often leads to making a whole group of friends. And don't be afraid to approach a really outgoing person for friendships, these people usually have a big network of friends & family, which will be a built-in group of people for you to meet. My 3 best friends all moved out of state at the same time, leaving me alone here! But I got involved in activities (sports) which led me to meeting a slew of new people and I have some new great friends and am having a blast with them. Please remember friends are about having fun and having someone to vent to, go out there, meet some people and good luck![/QUOTE]

This is excellent advice that you should absolutely take. While it's nice to hear from those commiserating, ultimately taking action is what will change things for you.





All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:00 AM.





© 2020 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!