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You can add all the fluff words you want but the bottom line is you are having an affair with a married man. He is very aware of his good looks and this is not the first time he has done this nor will it be his last. All he has to do is look around his work environment to see who is the most available to his looks and after trying out others you fell into his trap. I wonder how many diseases he is taking from one women to the other. I am sorry his wife has to go through this...he has already starting to leak out details of his affair and it won't be long until everyone you are close to will never trust you again. I am guessing he is getting ready to move on to another affair...meanwhile you are the keeper of his secrets...it will be you that suffers the most from this. Men seem to get away with these kinds of things but women pay a very big price. Good luck.
[QUOTE=AnnD;3572697]You can add all the fluff words you want but the bottom line is you are having an affair with a married man.   He is very aware of his good looks and this is not the first time he has done this nor will it be his last.  All he has to do is look around his work environment to see who is the most available to his looks and after trying out others you fell into his trap. I wonder how many diseases he is taking from one women to the other.    I am sorry his wife has to go through this...he has already starting to leak out details of his affair and it won't be long until everyone you are close to will never trust you again.  I am guessing he is getting ready to move on to another affair...meanwhile you are the keeper of his secrets...it will be you that suffers the most from this.  Men seem to get away with these kinds of things but women pay a very big price.  Good luck.[/QUOTE]

AnnD - Your post brought me to tears. 

I am a little confused about the “fluff words”.  Are you referencing my style of writing, or are you saying I wrote my post in a manner to gain sympathy?  As I basically said in my first paragraph, I’m not looking for sympathy, rather I am seeking honest advice. The details I provided-- though many-- were included so that you could form an educated and honest opinion.

As for his good looks… yes, he is gorgeous and that is not just my opinion.  He also has a very magnetic personality which draws both men and women, wherever he goes.  He always finds himself the center of attention.  He has a deep, sexy voice that can be detected in a crowd and speaks in an highly educated manner.  He has a great sense of humor and I have never seen him in a bad mood.  Many times I can hear his laugh echoing in the hallways. Also, he is a kind man who will help anyone whenever needed.  This man could have any woman he wanted.  When we go to a restaurant with others or even when it’s just he and I at the bar after work, women will approach him when he gets up to go to the bathroom.  They will flirt with him when he walks up to the bar to order me another drink, and sometimes he will even buy them one too.  I can’t say whether we equal each other physically.  I am not unattractive, but I refuse to classify myself.  Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  If he thinks I am beautiful (which he has told me), then I am beautiful.  But if the man that lives next door thinks I look like doggy doo doo, then guess what that makes me?

I am hesitant to think he has had an affair before me.  It could be possible, but our company hired him into a senior ranking position straight from college.  He and his wife were dating a year (possibly a little longer) before they were married and I witnessed him reject many women then.  Because of his executive position, he is held to a higher standard and level of accountability than others.  He has said that there were a few instances he was tempted by other women, but found it wasn’t worth the risk.  I guess somehow he can justify the risks while carrying on with me.  I don’t understand what it is about me that allowed him to cross that line.  Maybe you are right that he set a trap that I fell right into and was too weak to even realize it.

You mentioned that you thought he was getting ready to move on to another affair.  What gave you that indication?  Because he might be changing jobs?  Because he confided in someone about the affair?  By the way, after being probed about it, he would not give up the name or any information about the woman.  I don’t think he would ever expose me.  I am not a vindictive person, but he is aware that with my knowledge of many aspects of his life I could tear him apart. Allthough, if he were to move on to another affair, that would mean an easier break for me. It certainly wouldn't benefit his wife, but it would take me out of the picture.

Even though it’s terribly hypocritical for me to say this… I feel sorry for his wife as well.  I wish I could remove myself as a source of her pain.  I don’t know whether she is aware he is having an affair, but if she is, I doubt she realizes it’s me.  But, that dreadful day may come.

Thank you for wishing me luck; I will be needing it.  But, I think I am just as confused, if not more so now…
[QUOTE=Larrylou'smom;3573536]Amethyst, it could be your divorce has thrown you a bit off center, and that's to be expected, but I'm glad you can see it's time to get some clear thinking.

First of all you say you're not in love with this man. Look at it this way, why do you want to take his time and attention away from someone who is in love with him? You met this woman, socialized with her, I suggest you allow yourself to think about her and what part you are playing in hurting her. Yes, it's his marriage, yes, HE'S the one cheating on her, but he's doing it with YOU, and that does make you an accessory. That's not a judgment, just an unpleasant fact.

It may feel like a romance novel, but it isn't. You are in the middle of something very real that has the potential to be very very messy, and very dangerous to your career as well. There are no consequences to be paid in a romance novel and the good guys win, the cheated on wife is always a shrew who gets what she deserves, and the brave heroine lives happily ever after, but real life just ain't that way.

His marriage problems are not your concern, so don't feel you have to be there to support him or be his friend. You've actually crossed a line that now makes it pretty impossible for you to really be friends now anyway. I think you need to end it but you need to be very very careful. It's been my experience that people try all kinds of tricks to find out what they want to know, and it could be your lover actually sent this co-worker to say the things he did about their "confidential conversation" as kind of a trial balloon to see how you'd react. If he's leaving his job and his wife anyway, if he doesn't like the way you react, he now has the power to tell everyone at work, tell his wife, and have everyone think you helped wreck his marriage, and then he skips town and leaves you and his wife holding the bag. Don't think he would ever do such a thing? You'd be surprised.

I think if it were me, I'd tell him you just can't do this anymore, you feel guilty, scared of what would happen at work if anyone found out, and you can't be the reason he leaves his wife. Let him down easy, that you care for him and the time you had together was special, blah blah blah, but he's married and it has to end for both your sakes. But you really do need to end it before it gets any messier. Good luck.[/QUOTE]

Hello LarryLou'sMom,
I had never considered that the "confidential conversation" might have been a set up. I would hate to think he would do that to me, but I'm sure there are a lot of things I don't know or realize about him. I feel there are so many what, why's, and how's that I want answered, but I have to be resigned to the fact they never will be. And, you're right, they don't need to be. They are not pertinent and don't matter. What does matter is his wife, bottom line.

I am uncertain if my divorce has influenced me in this situation. My marriage ended several years ago and I am well past it. As sad as it is that am using these words to describe my marriage... it was an incredible learning experience. I call it the best mistake I ever made. There are also many aspects of me that I'm sure would make a great psychological case study, but blame is not to be placed on any of them. As long as I know the difference between right and wrong, nothing else matters. I have never considered myself the type of person who would do this, ever. Before this happened, my only concern was that a boyfriend or husband would make a fool out of me by cheating. But here I am-- the other woman-- guilty and ashamed of my behaviour. I feel as though I should be shocked and enraged by this, but instead I feel numb. By nature, I have never been a confrontational person. I wish I could make myself so and use it to make a point that leaves him with no questions. Somehow I will have to muster up the strength to do this.

Thank you for your advice. I am not looking for someone to hold my hand through this, I need someone to slap the sense back into me and give me a swift kick in the butt. I'm getting there... but I still haven't gotten to the point can rip that bandaid right off. I'm still scared of the pain... and not just my own.





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