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Relationship Health Message Board


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Amethyst, it could be your divorce has thrown you a bit off center, and that's to be expected, but I'm glad you can see it's time to get some clear thinking.

First of all you say you're not in love with this man. Look at it this way, why do you want to take his time and attention away from someone who is in love with him? You met this woman, socialized with her, I suggest you allow yourself to think about her and what part you are playing in hurting her. Yes, it's his marriage, yes, HE'S the one cheating on her, but he's doing it with YOU, and that does make you an accessory. That's not a judgment, just an unpleasant fact.

It may feel like a romance novel, but it isn't. You are in the middle of something very real that has the potential to be very very messy, and very dangerous to your career as well. There are no consequences to be paid in a romance novel and the good guys win, the cheated on wife is always a shrew who gets what she deserves, and the brave heroine lives happily ever after, but real life just ain't that way.

His marriage problems are not your concern, so don't feel you have to be there to support him or be his friend. You've actually crossed a line that now makes it pretty impossible for you to really be friends now anyway. I think you need to end it but you need to be very very careful. It's been my experience that people try all kinds of tricks to find out what they want to know, and it could be your lover actually sent this co-worker to say the things he did about their "confidential conversation" as kind of a trial balloon to see how you'd react. If he's leaving his job and his wife anyway, if he doesn't like the way you react, he now has the power to tell everyone at work, tell his wife, and have everyone think you helped wreck his marriage, and then he skips town and leaves you and his wife holding the bag. Don't think he would ever do such a thing? You'd be surprised.

I think if it were me, I'd tell him you just can't do this anymore, you feel guilty, scared of what would happen at work if anyone found out, and you can't be the reason he leaves his wife. Let him down easy, that you care for him and the time you had together was special, blah blah blah, but he's married and it has to end for both your sakes. But you really do need to end it before it gets any messier. Good luck.
[QUOTE=Larrylou'smom;3573536]Amethyst, it could be your divorce has thrown you a bit off center, and that's to be expected, but I'm glad you can see it's time to get some clear thinking.

First of all you say you're not in love with this man. Look at it this way, why do you want to take his time and attention away from someone who is in love with him? You met this woman, socialized with her, I suggest you allow yourself to think about her and what part you are playing in hurting her. Yes, it's his marriage, yes, HE'S the one cheating on her, but he's doing it with YOU, and that does make you an accessory. That's not a judgment, just an unpleasant fact.

It may feel like a romance novel, but it isn't. You are in the middle of something very real that has the potential to be very very messy, and very dangerous to your career as well. There are no consequences to be paid in a romance novel and the good guys win, the cheated on wife is always a shrew who gets what she deserves, and the brave heroine lives happily ever after, but real life just ain't that way.

His marriage problems are not your concern, so don't feel you have to be there to support him or be his friend. You've actually crossed a line that now makes it pretty impossible for you to really be friends now anyway. I think you need to end it but you need to be very very careful. It's been my experience that people try all kinds of tricks to find out what they want to know, and it could be your lover actually sent this co-worker to say the things he did about their "confidential conversation" as kind of a trial balloon to see how you'd react. If he's leaving his job and his wife anyway, if he doesn't like the way you react, he now has the power to tell everyone at work, tell his wife, and have everyone think you helped wreck his marriage, and then he skips town and leaves you and his wife holding the bag. Don't think he would ever do such a thing? You'd be surprised.

I think if it were me, I'd tell him you just can't do this anymore, you feel guilty, scared of what would happen at work if anyone found out, and you can't be the reason he leaves his wife. Let him down easy, that you care for him and the time you had together was special, blah blah blah, but he's married and it has to end for both your sakes. But you really do need to end it before it gets any messier. Good luck.[/QUOTE]

Hello LarryLou'sMom,
I had never considered that the "confidential conversation" might have been a set up. I would hate to think he would do that to me, but I'm sure there are a lot of things I don't know or realize about him. I feel there are so many what, why's, and how's that I want answered, but I have to be resigned to the fact they never will be. And, you're right, they don't need to be. They are not pertinent and don't matter. What does matter is his wife, bottom line.

I am uncertain if my divorce has influenced me in this situation. My marriage ended several years ago and I am well past it. As sad as it is that am using these words to describe my marriage... it was an incredible learning experience. I call it the best mistake I ever made. There are also many aspects of me that I'm sure would make a great psychological case study, but blame is not to be placed on any of them. As long as I know the difference between right and wrong, nothing else matters. I have never considered myself the type of person who would do this, ever. Before this happened, my only concern was that a boyfriend or husband would make a fool out of me by cheating. But here I am-- the other woman-- guilty and ashamed of my behaviour. I feel as though I should be shocked and enraged by this, but instead I feel numb. By nature, I have never been a confrontational person. I wish I could make myself so and use it to make a point that leaves him with no questions. Somehow I will have to muster up the strength to do this.

Thank you for your advice. I am not looking for someone to hold my hand through this, I need someone to slap the sense back into me and give me a swift kick in the butt. I'm getting there... but I still haven't gotten to the point can rip that bandaid right off. I'm still scared of the pain... and not just my own.





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