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Relationship Health Message Board

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I know it's hard Jenny and I can surely understand. It takes a while sometimes to find your own way in the world. I kind of felt the same way you do. I was the kid in school everyone made fun of, called names, beat up, etc. And if I live to be 100 years old, I'll never know why, because I was short, because I told a joke someone didn't think was funny, because whatever. People don't really need much of a reason to hate you, it's just human nature to find someone to throw contempt at. I'm a good person, attractive, smart, kind, giving, sometimes almost to a fault, but because of what I went through as a child, when I grew into young adulthood, it was really really hard for me to let people in, or even to see people as anything other than obstacles or potential sources of pain of some kind. And the one time I did let someone it, I got my teeth kicked in big time. I still kept trying, kept dating, and atually got to a point where I'm ok with being around people, and I feel pretty comfortable in my own skin with them, but I think it's probably gotten as good as it's going to get.

I'm quite a bit older than you and have never known love either, never even really had what I could call a real boyfriend. Just two miserable, painful, frustrating on again off again years with a guy who was using me and lying to me the whole time, I was just too naive and inexperienced to see it. But I don't feel desperate really. I went out a few nights ago with an acquaintance of mine and some ladies from her condo complex and a couple of them were talking about an online dating site and they had both just joined up a few months ago and they were talking about all the great men they've met and one said "anyone who says there are no good men around is just insane, just absolutely insane!!" And I jokingly said "well, call me kookoo then!! " I've been on this same online dating site for more than 6 years and haven't even had a second date. For whatever reason, men take one look at me and just run the other way. I've done the therapy, I lost 22 pounds, bought a more colorful, more feminine wardrobe, and nothing changed at all. I smile and make eye contact (in fact my co-workers always joke about how sunny and smily I am) and nothing. I think it's like eye color or the talent to dance or sing or being really really great at math. God is either going to bless you with it or He isn't. and that's that. No sense making what life you do have miserable over something that so few people get to have anyway.

SO.....I've just learned to look at it this way - I heard a statistic the other week. We know that 90% of American adults marry, which means 10% never marry, and we all know that half of all marriages fail. But what we don't know that half of the marriages that don't actually divorce, are unhappily married. So we're talking about something that actually works and ends up well less than 25% of the time. I decided that it was arrogant and conceited of me to feel so entitled that I would be sad and angry and miserable because I don't get to have what less than 25% of the population gets to have. It's a fantasy, it's a pretty lie. Very few people, even those so-called happy couples, get to live happily ever after. I still would love to be married, and I know I'll always be kind of sad and feel like I really missed out on a big part of living and being human if I don't, but I also have to be real. The chances of it happening, especially at my age, with my track record, it makes more sense for me to believe aliens will come down and beam me aboard their mother ship than to believe I will find happiness. I'm not living the life I want to be living, and I'll never really be happy without someone to love, share with, laugh with, hold hands with, etc. but I've also decided it just doesn't make sense to cry over something that's so rare to have it's practically a myth.

You're so young and you have much life ahead of you and so much to live through and learn and give. Concentrate on learning, growing, enriching yourself, working for the charities you're passionate about, and figuring out what you love and spending time on that. It won't take the place of the love of a good man, but I hope you will be able to find some kind of peace with making the very most of the life and blessings you have been given. And finding a way to some kind of spirituality would be helpful too, I think.

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