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Relationship Health Message Board

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First of all, thanks for reading this, and I hope I don’t bore you half-way through.
Here goes:

I’m 27 years old and have had plenty of relationships so far that have been good and bad. The worst ones have been destructive and for some reason I just couldn’t walk away from them, even after I realized, the girl I was with wasn’t going to ever be who I wanted her to be. The best relationships I’ve had, I’ve managed to mess up somehow. How you ask? Well, for starters, I had this amazing girlfriend one time and during my college years, decided to smoke some pot (who hasn’t), which she wasn’t too thrilled with. I lied to her when I said I had stopped smoking (I only smoked a few times a week at best, nothing like every single day)…fast forward and I decide, maybe relationships are way too complex for me, so what do I do? I end up having multiple friends with benefits, which so far has been absolutely great. I don’t get the emotional baggage (not at first at least) and everyone’s happy.

Well, recently, I met a beautiful woman. She was great: great profession, great personality, intelligent, and overall, caring. Well, I started the relationship off bad: I really wanted a “friends with benefits” scenario, and when she didn’t, I resorted (harsh word, I know) to forcing myself into a relationship. Now, if things were as simple as my stopping my other engagement, things would’ve been easier, but I didn’t. I kept seeing two other people as well, eventually, leading to our break-up once this was discovered.

Now, our relationship was extremely rocky, with her practically breaking up with me every other week, yet, we both persisted, even as far as going on vacation multiple times. I was always the one that practically begged her to give me a chance since this was a long distance relationship and I knew we could work it out. Well, she eventually found out that I had two other people that I was seeing (though I really wasn’t seeing them any longer as I ended up really liking this girl and fell in love with her) before her, and she ended up calling both of them. All of them talked and from there, she couldn’t trust me. From that day on, I swore I’d never do anything like that, and I kept my word to both myself, and to her.

Here’s where this gets interesting: while she had been using my computer one day, I unclosed a tab in Firefox and there I found an e-mail addressed from someone to her regarding how great a time they had had a few days before Valentine’s Day…this made me suspicious and later I discovered (she admitted VERY reluctantly) she had been dating while I was not seeing her. Now, being a guy, this pretty much kills the relationship, and I figured, at this point, we’re even right? Well, she kept being abusive over what I had done, and had little acceptance for what she had done, basically blaming me, because I wasn’t open enough with her, even though I had shared with her so much of my life. I won’t say I voluntarily divulge information, as it’s in my nature to be very private, but I usually won’t lie (not all the time). At this point, you’re probably thing it’s all my fault, but I’m here for a difference in opinion.

So we’ve been broken up for about three weeks now, and to be honest, I really miss her every day. I’ll be moving back to my home state of NY pretty soon, and I’m unsure as to whether or not I should pursue her again. I’m the kind of person whom devotes all my time, energy, and resources to the person I’m with (best example is spending thousands of dollars in hotel rooms just so I could be close to her and almost losing my job because of it). What does this say about me?

I started reading some books on relationships as I believe in self-assessment and found out many things about myself including how I project my own anima on to someone else, and how falling in love is a result of this subconscious process. I really tried to change her, and all I asked from her was to care about me and show some appreciation for the things I did. Example: she missed me and so I took a flight up there so I could be with her, yet, the opposite was nearly impossible for her to reciprocate, and she even used phrases like “I’m not your booty call”. I’m not sure what it is with her, but maybe I need to look inside myself first.

Now that you know the story, any advice as to how I should look at things? I hate that adage “treat a b*tch like a queen and a queen like a b*tch”. I don’t believe in it, but yet, I see that someone as nice as me (yes, I know I had my friends with benefits beforehand, but I can commit myself to a single person) is treated so poorly and makes me wonder if it really is true that a woman doesn’t want anyone nice. I’m not the kind of person to treat a woman poorly or even belittle her, but is that what it takes? Where’s the balance? Is it just me that can’t “let go” as she put it? Should I just forget her and move on, and if so, where do I start in—if necessary—fixing myself so I can at least be happy and not have to constantly try to change my partner?

Thanks in advance!

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