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Thank you all for reading. And all of you have some good points! The rest of the story....

Yes I did have an affair, several years after I married, yes my husband knew the man, yes I told my husband about it.

The reason I had the affair in the first place is because my husband was and is still a very selfish man, and I guess has never learned how to show affection. So....I found affection with another man, while remaining with the one I married and thought I loved. I am not sure if I really love him or if we have been together so long that it's that different kind of love. (know what I mean?) We dated for six years before we, or should I say I said alright, you moved in my house pretty much, we have been dating for six years, we may as well get married. He said he wasn't ready, so I....stupid me gave him the choice, we make a date to get married before the end of the year, or we go our seperate ways.

We got married three months later. I guess he loved me enough then to take that big step. But here we are 18 not so happy years later with the same problems and feelings I had when we were only dateing. I was young (16) when we started dateing, and was probably my first true love, and [I]my[/I] first sex. We got married when I was 22, had our first child when I was 27, only because that is when I told my husband about the affair. I told him the other man shared all the things I wanted in my life and one of those things was a child.

Next thing you know I am pregnant (by my husband) regauardless of the fact that this selfish man could not stand kids, he would have to give of himself and of his precious money and possibly do without some of the toys that men think they have to have. (Cars, tools, motorcycle, ect...Sorry men) Not that he dosen't already have all those things, he does. But I think now he sort of resents me for the things that I feel I have have pushed him into. Maybe...he does love me, but he doesn't show love, he never, I mean never tells me he loves me, he never talks to me, he never talks to our kids, or plays with them. The only talking he does is yelling at them for getting on his nerves. (They are almost 13 and 9) And they are really good kids. They get good grades in school, they do what they are told most of the time without talking back and they are like me...a giver. I am so very proud of what they have become so far, and it hurts very deeply to watch my husband treat his own kids badly and other kids in the family like they are his. My kids have asked me why daddy treats his brothers kids nice, and yells at them all the time. What do you say to that?

I don't want to go to his mothers every Sunday the way we do and have dinner, because I have to watch him act happy with his family, and come home and be his grumpy self. "But we have to go" he says, because his mom enjoys having the family there, and she goes to all the trouble of cooking dinner for all 14 of her kids and grandkids. I agree, let the woman have her joys, but what about me and our kids? What about what we feel, what we want? I feel like I am getting slapped in the face, and told, who cares.

We have had talks, he knows how I feel, I've told him all of it, we have been to counceling. We have both been on depression medication, (probably still need it). I just don't know what to do. I do try and show him affection. I hug him, and it feels cold and meaningless.

To top things off he has this attraction to his brothers wife, and a lady that just moved in some appartments down the road. I know by the way he looks at them, and talks to them, just the way he used to me when we first started dateing. I have asked him and he said yes they are very attractive. He always goes out of his way to go by their houses, and fallows them with his eyes when they are in the room. I don't think he is doing anything with either of them, but not to say he wouldn't. I am jealous, how could I not be? It just makes things worse.

I want to be a good wife and mother, and I try very hard. But being a good wife, does that mean if the husband is cold, deal with it? Do I really need to be told that I am loved, ever? Do we need to have conversation, or discuss our kids? Everything ever talked about is him. How he feels that day, what his plans are for the day, so on and so forth. Is their anyone eles out there with the same issues, or am I the only stupid female living? I don't know what to do, how to act, if I should laugh or cry. Be happy with my kids and forget about needing love myself. The kind of love a man can give. I have a deep hole inside of me and I don't want to make another bad choice and make it worse. :confused::confused::confused::confused: God help me! CT

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