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Relationship Health Message Board


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I was in the doctor's office yesterday reading a magazine as I waited and I came across an article on a popular singer/songwriter talking about love and life, etc. and she mentioned that she recently ran into her ex boyfriend and he was with his girlfriend. the reporter asked her if it was awkward and she say no, it was six years ago, it was sooooo long ago, I don't even remember why we broke up. I was like "what??!!! How can you love someone and then break up and not even remember it or why or how it happened, no matter how long ago it was?" It's been 10 years for me and I still remember every word of my last conversation with the ex. I guess some women just blow it off better than other women. I wish I had a little more of that in me, but I'm working on it.

Anyway, all this to say, the hardest thing about hopes being disappointed and someone treating you with less than full, complete honesty and respect and dignity, is you can't MAKE then care that they hurt you or did you wrong. I wrote two long letters and left two long voice mails to the ex after the break up, and 5, 6 years later reconnected with a mutual friend, just to hear someone say "I'm sorry." and I never did. Not from the ex for having lied to me about such important, personal stuff, and not from the mutual friend, for having talked trash about me, breaking confidences, putting me in the middle of his own relationship drama, cheating on and trashing my best friend's little sister, which contributed to the ending of my 20 year friendship with her, nothing. I just ended up hurting myself all over again. Sometimes you just have to accept that people will dump on you, and there's nothing, I mean NOTHING you can say to "make them think" or make them care that they hurt you, or make them say "oh, gosh, I guess I behaved badly, maybe I was wrong." If he felt his behavior was wrong, he wouldn't have behaved that way in the first place, and he wouldn't have stayed away. You can make him feel a quick little twinge of guilt for a second, maybe, but you won't make him sorry. Let your actions be more dignified than his behavior. Give him back his video tapes through Ron with a coke and a smile and a have a nice life, and let that be all you need to show them "ok, message received, he's just not that into me, onward."

BUT...if you MUST send something, like I said, don't accuse and don't tell him how HE feels. When I was online dating I had some great conversations and a great first date with a guy who really seemed into me. He went on vacation and said he couldn't wait to call me when he got back. He got back and nothing. I emailed him, he said he had to work and we could have lunch if I could drive all the way down to his work and meet him. I already had something planned and couldn't so I said I'd be glad to do something during the week or next weekend, or just to have another great phone conversation. Nothing for a week. So I sent him an email saying "since I haven't heard from you I gathered you decided it wasn't a connections. I wish you had told me so, but I understand. Good luck, etc." and that was it. IF you do send anything to him, I don't think it has to be, or should be, anything more than that.





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