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Hi, all.

I am having a really hard time today, and thought I'd post and see what kind of stories and responses I'd get.

I was with a guy from age 18 to 24. I am now 30. He was my first true love, and was the best relationship I've ever had, and yes, I've dated since we broke up.

What happened was I broke up with him, because I got the "Grass is greener" syndrome, basically. I wanted to see what was out there, because he was basically all I knew for six years. About four weeks after I broke up with him, I truly and deeply realized how much I did love him and wanted to be with him forever. I had made a HUGE mistake. When I tried to express this to him, he had already started dating a girl. He told me he still loved me, but just wasn't sure about things, and it wouldn't be fair to this new girl to just dump her to get back with me, because she was there for him helping him through his grief over our breakup.

So for about three years after our break up, we stayed in contact. He would be distant, and then suddenly I'd hear from him via email and phone. In retrospect, it almost felt like he was toying with me, in a sense. Well, after he broke up with this girl, we met up and hung out a number of times. He was still cautious, and did not allow himself to get too close to me. I think I hurt him A LOT by breaking up with him, and he was afraid of getting hurt again. But he would tell me things like how he still loved me and had feelings for me, etc. He'd flirt with me, giving me some sense of hope that we may get back together.

Well, one day HE called ME. As we were talking, I could hear a girl in the background. He said, "Just a minute." Apparently they were in a car together, and stopped at the grocery store. He said they met on some group trip to Vegas or something, and he went on to talk about that and how they are dating now, etc. I could not believe how insensitive he was about it, knowing that I still felt very deeply for him. I could not take it anymore, and I finally told him that I was still in love with him, and I cannot handle talking to him when he is with someone, and all the ups and downs and his toying with me. I told him that I would love to hear from him in the future if he was single, and that he knew how to get in touch with me, but that it hurt too much to be in contact with him if he was involved with someone. I stayed pretty calm while I was telling him, and was not rude. We said our goodbyes, and I deleted his number from my phone, erased his email address, etc.

This was close to three years ago. I continued after this thinking about him just about every day of my life. I'd get so depressed, and beat myself up, blaming myself for breaking up with him in the first place, and think about how my life would be so much better if I hadn't broken up with him. Meanwhile, I had gotten into a relationship that was less than healthy. Good guy, just not the feelings there, mostly because I was still pining for my past love. Things had improved, and I actually started thinking of my past love less and less. But in the back of my mind, I always fantasized about us getting back together one day. The thought crept into my mind regularly, but not really on a daily basis, so it's not like I was obsessing, but I hadn't forgotten.

Well, this weekend I had a wedding in the town where he lived in, and it got me thinking about him again. So I used the wonders of the Internet and Googled him. To my surprise, I found an "Our Wedding" page with a picture of him and this girl (the one he was with the last time I spoke with him). They are slated to get married this November. So here I am, sitting in the dark, at 2 a.m., because I cannot sleep, and I come across this page. I almost lost it. I knew the day would come, but I was not prepared for how I would feel. I immediately started shaking and felt like I was going to throw up. Then the tears came. I cried myself to sleep, and had a horrible day today. I feel like someone close to me died. I guess in a way, something did die -- the hope that we'd ever be together again.

I know this is really long, and I apologize, but I really needed to get this off my chest. My friends don't really seem to understand. They think I'm ridiculous for holding on to this, and think I should be past it, and I know I should be. It would have been easier if we had some sort of closure, but I felt we never really did. I feel angry that he led me on for so long, but never had the balls to come out and say, "It's over. I will always love you, but I don't want to be with you."

So to all the men out there, please don't ever toy with a girl's emotions! I know it's great to feel desired and wanted, but if you know it's not going to happen, don't flirt and lead them on, and tell them you still have feelings for them, when your intentions are different. Have the courage to tell them the straight truth. This goes for women, too, but I know of a lot of men who mislead women, and think love is some sort of game, so that's why I direct it at the men!! Sorry guys.

But anyway, I'd love to hear other people's stories, and how they have coped and gotten over lost loves. I just feel this is all so unhealthy for me. We broke up six years ago for cyring outloud! What is my problem? I'm an intelligent, rational person, but apparently not when it comes to love!

Thanks for reading all this!





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