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Yes, this is long but I need to write it all down.

My fiancé and I got engaged in September 2007 and I couldn't be happier. It took me so long to propose since we were just waiting for the right time (finish school, a bit older, finances, etc.). I thought long and hard to give her the best proposal I could think of. I took her to our favorite spot (place on the beach) and did the old message in a bottle trick. Two roses even washed up to where the bottle was planted. Things have been great and we have been living together for 3 years now. Seems longer since we were always together before anyway and I even stayed with her at her mother's for a period of time until we got our own place. The past year has been kind of rough for us. On Valentines Day (of all days) last year we found out she was pregnant unexpectedly. We accepted it and were happy and I know she would be the best mother in the world but ended up with a miscarriage. To me she is the perfect girl. Great heart, loves animals (did anything to save them), always helping children (works as a teacher for the emotionally troubled) and she just finished her master’s degree. Kindest person you will ever meet. She brings out the best in me.

I always wanted to spend more time with her and that was the great thing. I could never be with her enough even though she was very busy. She even mentored a little girl every Thursday. Everyday for her after work she would go home to her mother's and work out and see her ferrets that she has there. We weren't allowed to have them at the apartment we lived in. She would come home every night during the week around 8-9 even though she would get out around 3:30-4:00 (unless she had a parent teacher conference which was not one of her favorite things to do). I got home around 6. I would always wait for her to have dinner so we can get some time to talk. I would ask her that I wish she could just sacrifice one or two nights a week so we could eat dinner together just so I can see her more and ask her about her day. I would love to see her car home when I got home from work because it didn't happen very often. She would always be to tired when she came home (I understood she was very busy). This began to lower the amount of intimate time we shared together. Every week she would say how she wanted to spend the weekend with me and sometimes she would but a lot of the time she went out with her friends and sometimes would never come home. I went out to with my friends to so I am not being hypocritical but I always came home to her (she was usually with me most of the time anyway). But it was cool because we appreciated each others space. She hung out with friends who would always bring home guys from bars since they were all single and even though I trust her it would bother me a bit. We started to argue on Sundays since the time spent together was drifting away and we began feeling distant. I just wanted one night a weekend or so. This could be my fault but I just enjoyed my time with her.

During the past 3 years of living together she has left 3 times do to arguments that were minor and would go to a level they never needed to be. She said I kicked her out but I never wanted her to go every time (never once did I say leave although even though I can't recall the arguments I am sure I said things that upset her but I am the type of guy to sleep it off and forget about it and I do apologize for anything that may hurt her. That is one of my biggest problems with her. She can be very defensive and is extremely sensitive and emotional and when she is mad she will go in the drop of a hat. Maybe I could have handled things better but I try not to say much to avoid her from being upset. It just makes me upset and who wants that. It makes mending things with family very difficult every time. Every disagreement we would have we would replay the argument and we would have two different versions of what was said and what she said. Stupid to replay arguments over and over again because it really gets you know where. Just move on. Sometimes people just don’t see eye to eye but it is not the end of the world and I know everyone has disagreements from time to time. I am someone who keeps things private and feel our relationship is between us an no one elses business but every little disagreement she will call all her friends and family and I always look like the bad guy. I don't tell anyone because I don't want anyone to think bad of her (of course not she is not a bad person) and I know things can be said that aren't meant in the heat of an argument (not that we argued that much anyway but now she seems to think so now). She would tell me she loves me everyday and I know she did and pray she still does (can't see how she can change so quickly like in one weekend). I love her more than anything. Our wedding date was set for June 20th next year. Perfect, by the water just as she wished. I felt we got over a lot of things over the years and she meant the world to me (still does). All of our friends around us have been getting engaged and we have 8 weddings to go to next year! We were the first to get engaged. I surprised her 3 weeks ago by buying her a dress to wear to one of these weddings since she only had one dress and we all know girls can’t wear the same dress to multiple weddings. I did this to show her how happy I was with her. Things were going great. After that I never saw her on the weekends for 3 straight weeks. She says she felt I never wanted to go out and have friends and wanted keep her home all the time but that’s not the case, I just wanted some more time since we had limited time during the week. There were times I told her she needed to go out more often when she didn't for awhile. You need to and it’s healthy to be social. We have the same group of friends for the most part and we respect each others space.

One of her best friends came home from Florida this month who is also engaged. Her relationship has been rocky and her father also recently passed away which I feel for her. I can only imagine the pain she is going through. My grandmother passed in December of 2006 who I was very close to and I know her pain is indescribable. She ended up postponing her wedding 4 times now for various reasons. On this June 20th (Friday) my fiancé told me how happy she was with me and I wanted to take her out for a nice night since one year from now we would be married. I wanted to take her out to celebrate this special day. She ended up saying her friend was here from FL and went out with her (she was here for a month so I was surprised she didn't want to spend time on that special day for us). It’s not like she could not see her the next day. That hurt a bit but I wasn't to upset giving all the circumstances. Just missed her since I wanted to be with her on that day. The next 3 weeks I knew we felt a bit distant with the lack of time spent and the very next day she said she wanted to talk to me. I felt the same and was happy to talk with her. To my surprise she asked to postpone our wedding date. She had been asking me for a ring for sometime now (encouraging is probably a better word since I was happy to get her a ring and got her the best one I could find – she love it so it was a good choice considering I knew nothing about diamonds) and this came to a great surprise for me and almost felt like she was trying to push me away. I said we still have a year away and didn’t see a reason to change this and if we couldn’t work anything out then if it got closer to the date we can postpone it if you still felt that way. She said no and I got upset and may have said some things I regret now but I didn’t swear or go off the handle like she seems to think. She say some things to that hurt but I don't throw those back at her. I told her that if you are going to postpone it then you might as well cancel it (I never meant that and was just hoping she would work with me). Just wanted to compromise. Why are you not willing to work this out with a year to fix this? I felt her friend may have influenced a bit since she had postponed hers several times already and she was with her the night before. Maybe not though, it’s just hard for me to adjust to why. It’s my girls decisions in the end so its not anyone elses fault. I told her we have been together for 9 years already and what is the purpose of postponing it, what would change? Things began to get heated and she said she was very unhappy. I wasn’t and just the other day she told how much she loved me and was happy so I was so confused. I knew there was a distant feeling going on the past few weeks but didn’t see any reason that could not be fixed. When you are together for as long as we have been that just happens with busy schedules. She said she wasn’t sure if she wanted this anymore and I told her she could do what she needed to do and if she needed to go home to do so that that would be her choice. I felt she was pushing me away. She immediately got upset and began packing her things and I told her to stay and we can talk but then I left because I was upset (took a drive to cool things down and think things over). I guess hoping she would change her mind. She also gave me the ring back. When I came back she was on the phone with her father and told him I told her to get [COLOR="Magenta"]{removed}[/COLOR] out the house" and "to give me the [COLOR="magenta"]{removed}[/COLOR] ring back". I was shocked and that was not what I said or meant in anyway. I was making that her choice to see if she really wanted to work with me. I can not begin to tell you how hurtful it is to have her give my ring back. One thing I noticed with her is my words would always be turned for the worst (or at least miss interpreted for much worse and not really listening to what I am saying). I saw this becoming a much bigger problem than it had to be considering now I would have to speak to her father about this misunderstanding, I would do so because I love her dearly and don’t want to lose her. Why would I, I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I went to work on Monday and came home. When I arrived she had taken all her clothes and I left her a message to go out to dinner to talk. She never responded (she had gone to a work party and never got back to me). Then on Tuesday I got a message from her that she said she called the reception place and told them to hold our date but she was still unsure and that she missed me (even cried a bit on the message). I was so happy (not because she cried) but because I felt we were going to work this out. I asked to her go to dinner again to talk and she said yes. When I called her back to go she told me she had forgotten she asked her friend (the one from FL) to go out to dinner and that she was there. Now my phone did die earlier so maybe I didn’t respond in time but I thought this was extremely important for us to go do this with all things considered. If the roles were different she would be furious at me if I went out with someone else. If that was me I would have just explained that this was really important and I would call them later. To her credit she did say she would come over after to talk but I told her I wanted to go out to dinner to speak with her. I felt it would be a calmer setting and a more relaxed atmosphere instead of my small apartment. She got mad and I told her Thursday would be good since I had class Wed. Now, even with the message she gave me earlier that day on how she was upset and called the reception place to keep the date all of sudden when I called her back she said she is not changing her mind and was giving a bit an attitude. I wanted to go out to fix this not to fight and felt she was not going to try and work it out. Not with how she was talking to me and I can feel her anger. Her feelings suddenly changed when she was with her friend. To me, there is no use to try and talk if you are not working together. Things will only get worse and that is not what I wanted. The purpose of me asking was to explain to her I understood all she said and I wanted to do whatever it would take. By Thursday she told me she made up her mind and that she was done. She told me she had tried all week and that her mind was made up. I don’t see how that is true. I tried 3 times to speak with her and never wanted to go in the first place. If there was a misunderstanding on when she left so be it but things were not meant that way and I only wish she could see that. I have been trying several times to get though to her since then. I wanted to tell her I would postpone the wedding the next day. I don’t care if we get married 10 years from now, I just enjoy being with her. It just hurt me and I had no time to think about it. Isn’t it common to give time to think about something like that since the fact of how sensitive it is. I really did not see that coming. She thinks that I am doing this because she left but she couldn't even give me a day to think. I would feel the same way then as I do now if she stayed or not. She seems to jump conclusions to fast and she should know me better than that. I have told her I am willing to see a family relationship therapist to help us, postpone the date and speak to her parents or anything to fix this. She can even stay home for awhile to think things through and she is always welcome back here (this is her home to me). She said her mind is made up though and I can only hope time will heal and I can show her how serious I am. Maybe she does not trust me? Only if she knew…

We also had a trip to Florida scheduled in two weeks from now and I know if she just held out on that we would be fine. She says things would go back to the way they were but it seems she is pretending they were worse then it was. I only see it getting better (especially now). It breaks my heart but we have cancelled the trip but we can always plan another one so its not the end of the world. (plus we still have flight credit)

I miss her like crazy and am not sure if I agreed to postpone the first day she would still be here. To me, I am starting to think she was looking for a way out but I hate to think that. I never wanted to her leave and even when she was packing stuff I told her to stay and she said I kicked her out. Why would I kick her out if I am telling her to stay? I would do anything for her. I told her so what, you left we can still work this out. She took my feelings the wrong way. She says everything is only about me and my terms but if I did that to her I know she would have been emotionally disrupted and I would understand if she wanted time. I don't believe it is ever too late to do so and to me it is not hard because I do care for her so much (especially only after one week, I even wanted to do this the next day but never got the opportunity). If she ever gave me another shot I would never let her down.

I am trying to stop from calling her but I find myself calling her constantly, texting, and even went to her house the other day with flowers. I am trying to do whatever it takes and it breaks my heart but I don't want to become crazy with trying to call her which is hard not to do. I know that if she came back things would be different but she feels they won’t. If I can only get that chance and to make her trust me on that. She knows I would never cheat on her or anything like that. She continues to bring up old fights that don't matter from a long time ago and she says we were both unhappy which wasn't really the case. She told me loved me everyday and how happy she was to come home to me. Then now she is unhappy? Our engagement party was just a few weeks ago and she said she was the happiest girl on earth. I had a blast that day.

She left me several years back for another guy and the pain of that was unbearable. I finally started to move on but I always did still love her. We hung out one night and got back together. I also ended up dating someone else and we both realized how happy we were together and it did really make a big difference in our relationship. That was a long time ago though and we did grow a lot in our relationship since then. She often brings up old arguments or fights but to me it is what we have overcome on those that is most important. I see the positives but she seems to be looking for anything negative right now.

I feel like am losing my mind now and am extremely depressed. She is my best friend. I know I have to try and stop contacting her. I saw a doctor today to help with my anxiety to help get over this since I haven't slept in days. I was recommended to write down my feelings and all of them so here they are.

Now that she is gone everyday I come home there is a memory of her to remind me and as bad as she is hurting me I still love her and can't get mad.
She has told me time and time again this week to stop and that her mind is made up. She said she was trying but I never got the chance to speak with her and one bad day of misunderstanding this not good enough for me. If giving the chance I would never let her down and I hate to see her hurt. I don't think there is someone else involved because I do trust her but I am just so confused on how this happened so quickly and how she is not willing to work with me. She says she has tried several times but that was past events that were already overcome and I have realized so much in the past few days.

I don't know what to do she says it’s too late. I don’t think it’s ever too late (especially after a one week and us being together for 9 years). We have been though way too much. We have gotten the wedding dress, reception place and so many other things for the big day and I was so excited. I know a miscarriage is very hard to go through and I still feel sad about but is it possible her emotions are sky high now due to this? This just happened in February. I have considered that but don’t bring things up because I don’t want to upset her. I did want her back in my life and she means the world to me but now I am unsure. Doesn't matter because she is done anyway but I can't see how she can't just shut down like that over so much time.

I realize that now its over though because she has cancelled the wedding date and is moving on. I am not sure what I did and I start to blame myself sometimes but I know I did not ever ask her to leave. She was also my best friend so it makes things that much harder to cut off all contact on try and move forward. I have a feeling I will have a very hard time trusting someone again because I will never want to feel this hurt again...I don't know if I did something but she always felt I kicked her out (when she left 3-4 times) but I never once asked or wanted her to leave. She justs get way too upset over some things but when she is not she is perfect in my eyes. I was willing to sacrafice that since I loved her so much. I think her friends had a lot to due in influencing her but it is her who makes the ultimate decision. I did check her phone sometimes and she would get really mad at that and said I needed to work on trust issues. She is right to a degree but sometimes she would go out and never come home. Her friends are kind of wild and they all sleep around a lot (even some are cheating on their boyfriends) but I am suppose to believe my girl is different. I really did but I just wanted her to come home. Was that my insecurity? What did I do wrong to end this? Was it me?

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