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Pendulum, thanks for the response.

Little history about hubby and me. Got married at a very early age me 20 he 23. I'm referring to my daughter as he has another daughter - so it's merely for distinction.

I have decided not to leave without telling or seeing him and approached him last night. I told him exactly how i felt although my heart was breaking. I am not sure what to do. Our problems don't derive from infidelity or even physical abuse. It's more verbal and mental abuse. I am not a confrontational person and would do anything to avoid an argument.

I am very confused because last night while I tried to explain to him my reasons for wanting out he mentioned that a marriage is hard work. He made me feel as if I was just giving up without wanting to try. Maybe this is correct because we have been on this trying road so many times before.

I have to be honest that whenever I am in his presence and I touch the subject of a divorce or seperation, I always feel like I want to give in. But this is exactly my problem. I never seem to be able to stand up for myself when I am in his presence. I have always let him have his way for arguments sake. My problem now is that if I stay, will it really be for the right reasons or is it just a deep down fear that I have of not challenging him. He has a very strong personality and he's very persuasive. I don't mean to bad mouth him but I was never in a position to take him on verbally and I think thats one of our reasons for growing apart.

I have always felt that my opinion doesn't count - Proven results of this. We would discuss something and I would make suggestions and we would always end up doing what he wants. I sometimes feel that i cant be myself, I always have to be what he wants. In my previous posts here i have mentioned his controlling behaviour and our relationship started spiralling downwards when I started realising this. I don't want end relationships with family and friends. Don't get me wrong, I don't put them before my marriage but I would like to see them once in a while or even have them over once or so.

We bought this new house and have been staying there for + - 3 years. None of my family have been there accept my parents and one cousin. Not for any occasion just to come see the house and then they left. We have entertained his friends and family on numerous occassions but he always has a problem with my friends or family. Last night he admitted that his behaviour on this front is wrong but, he has admitted that before and nothing changed.

He told me that he was always proud that he could call me his wife coz no matter who he brought to the house, i would always make them feel welcome yet, it's too much to ask to do the same for me. Money is always another cause for the breakdown. He is obsessed with it. He is constantly on the lookout for a job that earns more money. We have never ever been on a holiday although we have loads of it.

We both studied and obtained degrees but he started studying again although I asked him not too. Don't get me wrong, I know this is for the greater good but my question is, when do we concentrate on us and start enjoying ourselves and our family. We cannot have a constant chase after money and then we lose ourselves in the process. He is spending 3 nights a week at class and the other 4 days they have group sessions etc. We never talk coz he's always to busy doing this study or researching that.

We have worked tremendously hard to get where we are - both going to night classes while having a full time job and raising our baby. When we obtained our degrees, he started studying for a second time. I was always there taking care of the household chores and keeping the kids out of his way coz "Daddy is studying". He graduated again and now he is persuing another? Yet, I cannot go anywhere or else we'll fight. I have to spend my time in the house while he is stuck with books.

I'm sorry for rambling but it's just so difficult to explain my situation coz there is so much stuff that went on over the years.

That brings me back to where I am now. I think it's years of resentment that brought me to this point. Last night I don't think I can honestly say that I don't love him. I'm not sure if its the way he's acting...

I used to be so inlove with him but over the years we just grew apart. I don't think I am up to trying anymore... yet, like mentioned before, when I am away from him everything is so clear.

I even mentioned to him that even if we don't divorce, we should just seperate just to be clear on what we or rather I want to do. I have these thoughts of how happy I will be when I'll be alone. I have thought about the loneliness but to me thats a small sacrifice.

Why is this decision so hard. I don't want to wake up 20 years from now and still have the same feelings....

Is there anyone out there who went through this....





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