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Relationship Health Message Board


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[QUOTE=sarah92202;3686661]You explanations make more sense now and I do understand what you mean and thank you for the break down.
But I need to ? one thing, Did I ever say anywhere that I married the guy because he was so hot or that I was so hot for him, or is this just your assumption? ? I don't recall saying that, and that is not why I married him.[B]And that is only one reason you would have been attracted, and it's an easy one to use when one isn't sure what caused the attraction to begin with. But it's certainly, and usually rarely the first or onrly element of attraction.[/B]


I actually wasn't really that physically attracted to him when I first met him. And didn't sleep with him until we had been seeing each other for almost a year. When I looked at him at first is wasn't "oh, I want him so bad sexually" it took me a long time to feel that way and I turned him down for a long time, until the day that I realized that I had fallen in-love with him. [B]If you look back, it's more that he was taking external and superficial actions that said "I like you as a person" to you - bringing the donuts and flowers, not pursuing sex....that had you thinking he was a "good guy" in terms of character. When you're lacking in self-esteemand llife experience - it's common to see things in an either "it's good, or it's bad"....without realizing that application in situation is giong to determine the assessment of good or bad. As you've found out - explained further. So in the beginning, his actions said to you that he liked, admired, adn respected you as a person - it doesn't appear that you asked if he did that, or that you evluated the extent to which he valued, rioritized, and loved himself appropriately andwas self-requiring of success.....because nobody can value in you - what they don't value and require in themselves. But you liked how he treated you, and you liked how that made you feel about yourself - you might have felt more special, more protected, more understood as a result of his actions...so you fell in love with "being you" - as a result of being with him. That'sthe other problem with not really having self-resposibility and accountability - without that you can't create a life thatyou love living, and a person you love being in your own right. That forcesyou to find situations or associations that make you feel more positively about yourself, than you do as a status quo. That doesn't necessarily lead you to eh awareness that you like yourself more - because of thier actions, which could cease or alter at any point and change your perception of self and worth entirely.[/B]


I did notice that he treated other people bad and could be rude, but I figured he'd never treat me that way. My mistake!! [B]Well, values justify actions in all situations and circumstances. So nobody is every doing "for/to/about/because of/on account of "you" or your needs/expectations........they're diong what they want, because their values justify it - and how people treat others is precisely how they'll treat you. If anything, the more intertwined you become to them, the less consideration you'll receive. A good example is a person that claims they can't keep thier temper - and is slapping you, or throwing you agains tthe wall - but somehow manages to keep themselves under control while getting a ticket for speeding. You simplyl asked them to pick up the socks off the floor - and you got a bloody nose. They are pulled over by the cops, interrogated for infromation and paperwork, they are being inconvenienced, put off their schedule and at a monetary loss - and yet they are going thru clenched teeth "yes, officer, thank you very much". So they can keep thier temper when to do so is what they perceive they must do for thier own well-being.....it's just that in your case, he doesn't eprceive he needs to be anything more than the debase in values person he is in reference to you.[/B]


The beginning of our relationship was all about, the same interests, the caring conversations, the concern for me and my son, how he understood me so well, he was always popping over with doughnuts in the morning before work and flowers delivered to my job. He won me over and I eventually became sexually attracted to him, not that he isn't attractive, but it wasn't like that, and that made me really believe that this was a forever thing, because it didn't start at some bar or with sex first.[B]I'd say it's worth exploring for you - about yourself - regarding sex. Sex isn't love, it is not respect, but it is physical gratification. If you stood back and just reflected on what you wrote here, adn above - you're stating he doesn't have sex with you now except for his pleasure, ando nhis violent terms. Life experience will now let you know if you process it fully - that anybody not pursuing sexual gratification of some sort with you, while claiming to find you attractive has 'issues" within themselves. Their lack of desire for gratification in the immediate realm, is a result of their lack of value on the act of sex itself. And at the point that their most debase self is in view and vogue the sex if existent at all, will be only for their gratification, by their definition, on their terms.[/B]


I fell in-love with him before we were sexually intimate. So please don't just assume that I was this "blinded by the hot bod" horny young thing that was just looking for a hot guy, my husband is bald, hairy and 70 lbs over weight, and I accept him and Love him as he is physically. It isn't his hot bod that get's woman to pay attention to him, it's the fact that he tells them everything they want to hear and makes them feel special, and he is very good at it!! [B]HEre's a hint - if you have self-esteem/self-requirement/self-accountabiility there is nothing you "want to hear" from anybody, anywhere any time. You're hearing what they say with an awareness of wh you are at the core, and anybody that waxes eloquently initially - you know they're blowing smoke up your butt becuase they're shallow or on an ulterior agenda.
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It was all the Lovey talk that pulled me in not a hot buff body or some sexual adventure. [B]Again, most people have emotional needs that they want met in associtaions...and it the hallmark/kodak/tv commercial actions that suck them in. They associate flowers with "love" or "diamonds' with forever......and they're hooked in real life without asking enough questions, doing enough objective evaluation. If you want osmeone to love, like, respect, and admire you enough to make up for what you lack for yourself - your'e in deep trouble. That means you're empty in those regards, and any puff of smoke smells good and you follow it[/B]

I wanted someone that would Love and care for me, not look good walking down the street with me, I'm not about going after the hot guy, I'm not saying that physical attraction shouldn't matter at all, but a person can become more attractive to you over time just by how they treat you, that is how my attraction towards him grew,[B]I do get that - in a way, very possibly, you thought the unhot guy that is overweight HAS to be nice, kin, caring, and loving because he's not attractive. That's not uncoomon to make that association, which is again, not true at all. Hot guys can be caring, loving, considerate, and committment in every appropriate way- just like they can be none of those things. Character is determined by each individual, not by apperances, And it's imperative that actions taken are never assumed to mean a particular element, you must ask to find out what was the purpose of bringing me the flowers...in a non-interrogative way.[/B]

I just wish that the things he said and did would have been sincere and not his way of getting me to fall for him.[/QUOTE]
[B]Try this....it helped me heal, but it something you have to be ready for. He didn't do all this with his gnarled, warty hands, and his horns glowing over a trash can fire - he didn't plot, plan, and prepare to deceive you, to destroy you. He's an insecure man that doesn't like himself....he doesn't consider himself to be the master and commander of his own destiny. The need to control others is a resulto f his lack of self-discipline, control and awareness and acceptance, and he is a man that fears the world - every waking minute. So when he came in contact with you - and you were accepting of his offerings of time, his offerings of gifts - he finally felt "about himself" thanks to your attention, the way you felt about yourself - thanks to his attention. That's what infatuation is - your desire for me (for wahtever reason), and your attention to me makes me feel so great about me, I can't get enough of you. Insecure people feel a tremendous rush of relief that tey finally see themselves positively at all - as an image, in association with this person. It puts you in a frame of mind to give more, do more, offer more - with the dysfunctional impression that never again will I not feel as I do right onw, think of myself as positively as I do right now. Each of you looked at the other as the "key" to happiness, identity and security. Just as you've fallen out of love with him.....by falling out of love with the image ofyourself because his actions no longer make you think that your'e special, cared of, prioritized, or loved...he's fallen out of love with himself, as your actions no longer make him feel like he's "the man". You're in a very typical codependent dynamic - you thought he'd complete you, and if he were happy - you'd be happy was your reaasoning. He thought if you were adoring, admiring and accepting of him, he'd always be confident and successful, and so he simply needed to ensure that you as his "lucky charm" were always in his life...thus the control of you, liimting your options..which you interpretted initially as 'he cared so much he had to be invoolved in my every movement." What you're experiencing now is what happens when two people who "like themselves thanks to someone else's actions and attenton" - fall out of love with themselves and life "because of that person's attention and action." To you - he's been a terrible disappiontment...he no longer makes you feel like a "special, loved woman"...and to him, you've been a misrepresentation - you no longer let him call all the shots, while you adore his every move. The issue here is now power....who's got hte power and control is the person who has the money and the options...and that is him. Thus he's attempting in every way his standrds and values allow to bring back the woman he married -he'd have never married someone that didn't adore his every word, and worship his every move. If he can't get you back into that mode by being impressive and pleasing...he'll get you back into that approach by violence and jealousy. But it's imperative to realize that both o you are doing the same thing....for the same reason. You want his actions to make you "feel about yourself" a particular way...same with him. Only, he's NOT going to take actions of consideration and sacrifice so that you get the impression/feelings you want......but he's giong to attempt to force out of you the impression he wants of himself. To him, you cowering in fear is "worship" - the way you adoring him for donuts and flowers and conversation was worship.[/B]





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